[JayS]

Jess wants to get married but I don't want too... I'm more concerned about my mental health right now. She say's I'm being selfish.

[nowheretorun]

a healthier you makes a healthier relationship imo Jay... its pretty darn healthy to recognize your health needs and how it makes the couple stronger ... best to you

[marjan]

Originally Posted by JayS

Jess wants to get married but I don't want too... I'm more concerned about my mental health right now. She say's I'm being selfish.

My dear Jay....you are not selfish at all....take care of yourself and tell her that she got to wait!

[NuckingFutz]

I agree with you. Jess needs to understand your mental health issues before thinking of marrying you. Calling you selfish clearly demonstrates that she does not understand. I also want to say i am sorry that jess called you that. That was abusive.

[Rmdctc]

Doesnt sound like you are. Sounds like she is by not respecting your feelings.

[Beholden]

Take care of yourself and tell her You have to wait.

You're not ready because of your mental health issues. She is the one being selfish- if that is even the right word for her not respecting your wishes to deal with making you a better person for the pair of you.

[Kakaneki]

You are not being selfish at all. If you feel like you need time to heal, then you need time to heal. Marriage is a huge deal and you will be better prepared for it if you are mentally healthy. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide

[Amazonmom]

You are not being selfish. You want to work on your mental health and get in a place where you can feel ready to make such a huge commitment.

That doesn't mean you will never marry her, just that you won't marry her right now!

I'm glad you are standing up for yourself.

[VickiesPath]

If you gave her any other reason other than your mental health, would she say you were being selfish? It's a ridiculous and self-serving comment. You take care of YOU first and foremost.

[lynn P.]

I agree with all the other posters that you're right in waiting and not selfish in doing so. She only proposed marriage a few months ago, so she's rushing it too much. Both people need to agree when is the best time to marry and not where one partner is pressuring the other. You're absolutely right is wanting to stabalize your mental health issues first - this will benifit both of you. Stand your ground and don't let her pressure you. Good luck to both of you.

[ChipmunkGal]

I don't think you are selfish at all.

[melinda84]

Nope, you aren't being selfish at all. In fact, i think she is being selfish for not considering your feelings. Your health comes first and if she loves you, she should see that. I think you need to have a discussion with her and help her to understand your position. Marriage is a big step, quite possibly one of the biggest steps of your life. It is nothing to leap into at just anytime. It has to be at the right time for both of you.

[salukigirl]

You are not being selfish. If anything, she is being selfish for pressuring you. If you become commited to something without being 100% sure that its the right thing for you, then that isn't being fair to either of you. I hope that you can become better mentally and eventually be okay with moving to that step but don't do it from being pressured.

My ex used to pressure me to get married so after being together over 3 years I finally said yes even though I knew I wasn't ready. And looking back, thats what officially killed out relationship. He was pressuring me and I wasn't ready so getting engaged really put added pressure on our relationship that wasn't needed. So after feeling insecure about the whole thing and knowing it wasn't the right decision that caused us to fight to the point that we broke up and I think if we had never gotten engaged, we would have been a lot better off.

My current boyfriend is about 4 years older than me so he is much closer to being ready to settle down and have kids but he understands that I'm not ready yet. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it until I was graduated from college and accepted into grad school and got my career going a little. He is totally fine with it. I think you should have a talk about why she is so adamant about getting engaged and finding out if its because she wants to be with you or if she just wants to get married. I have a lot of friends that got married just because they wanted the wedding and not because of the person and they are miserable after less than a year. You need to do whats best for you.

[JayS]

Thank you everyone.... I'll be sure to have her read this thread.

[NuckingFutz]

Ikes jay, are you sure she can handle what is written here? It also compromises your safe place...

[JayS]

You're right, I never thought of that.... I'm glad I never showed her yet. Thanks for the save NuckingFutz.

[salukigirl]

Yeah I had that idea once and allowed my ex into my little world on here and it ruined it for me. we made a deal that he wouldnt read my posts and I wouldnt read his and then one day I posted about having a sex dream about a professor and he saw it but didnt bother to read the rest about how I knew I didnt want the prof and that it was just me being scared about moving to the next step and that I really loved him so he flipped out on me. I really wouldnt suggest showing her this or the website in general.

[JayS]

Update... She made fun of me because I'm seeing a pdoc for schizophrenia I broke off the engagement and told her to leave.

[salukigirl]

Good. You should not have to put up with that kind of treatment! You deserve someone who will support you no matter what. My boyfriend never makes fun of me whenever I go to see a doctor for mental health issues, unlike other guys I have dated. Thats what you need - someone to be there for you, not pressure you. I'm glad you called it quits. It doesn't sound like a very supportive relationship. Hope everything goes well for you. Try to focus on what you need for yourself right now.