[volatile]

So I went over to my now boyfriend's house to eat thanksgiving with his family. I was so scared I could hardly eat. My hands were shaking so bad I couldn't even drink out of my glass. My stomach is now cramped up so bad because of how nervous I was but it's all good. I actually had a good time considering how I felt.
I still feel very tense around him though, but that's how I am with everyone. I don't even like sitting close to him, or anyone for that matter. It's hard for me to even hug him. I feel like a horrible person because of that.

I hate having to explain myself, everyone just thinks I don't like them.

I used to be a lot better, when I was younger it was like this but I met people that actually had souls so they helped me grow out of it but it's gotten even worse now even though I have even more people around me that actually care about me. I just feel sick when I think about it. When they hug me or talk to me like I'm their closest friend I just want to shoot myself because I hate them being close to me in ANY way, physically and emotionally. sometimes I think I'M soulless............
I wish Icould find out how to help myself. I could take my meds and it goes away but it's only hiding what's really going on in my head.

Anyways, I'm going to sleep. good night.

[trs60586]

Since you have thoughts, feelings, emotions you are not soulless. It seems you have much difficulty with intimacy, both physical and emotional, something I still struggle with. I often don't feel comfortable being close, physically or emotionally, around others. I think it's a defense mechanism due to my anxiety and low self esteem. If I don't let anyone close to me then they can't find out all my faults and just how inferior I am. I'm still working on accepting myself as I am, and on acknowledging that there is no way that I could please everyone. The better I get at accomplishing these the more willing I am to let some people in because the reward is worth the risk when the right people penetrate my armor. These cherished people let me know that I am lovable, and worthy of that love.

Is the only reason you don't take your meds because you feel they're just a crutch? If your overall well being is improved when on the meds then there is no shame in using that crutch. If you broke your leg would you refuse to use a crutch even if using one would allow you to function much easier and with less pain while you healed?

[phoenix47baby]

I could take my meds and it goes away but it's only hiding what's really going on in my head.

Probably would be a good idea if you took your meds. If he is your boyfriend, how come the nervousness around him????????

Hello, volatile. Medication to correct a chemical imbalance is a tool, not a crutch. People do no hesitate to take an antibiotic to fight an infection. Why view a useful tool to correct a brain dysfunction any differently?

Therapy is another tool. Therapy may help you better understand and hopefully resolve the battle going on in your head. Making changes that are beneficial may be scary. We have to take the risk of believing we can change beginning the process.

Having friends is evidence that you have many good qualities. Please believe in yourself and take the risk of getting better. Have your medications reviewed and start with therapy.

Good luck!