[Tatyana2009]

I do not know if anyone of you have had any similar experience or may have some clever insights....

My fiance has an ex (who is 4 years older than him, in her 50s) and 2 girls at their teens. They live with the ex. Younger one still comes to visit us every other weekend, older one stopped coming to us about 5 months ago and has no relationship with me (her choice). I am a lot younger than my man.

When we told the kids, about a year ago, that we are to be married, neither of them said very much. The little one hugged me with congratulations and the older one said nothing, only that she was surprised. I told them that I would like them to take part and be my flower girls. About a week later, the older one had a chat with my fiance and told him that I am an outsider and that I am horrible. That they should be my bridesmaids and not flower girls as they are the closest to him. That they want to be the centre piece and probably some other things that my boyfriend did not want to tell me...

I know that their mother is behind all this and manipulating everything. I think she also told him that if he marries me he wont see his kids. As a result of this and out trauma from his last marriage and divorce he now wont set a wedding date with me... though he loves me and wants kids with me. I want us to get married and wish his ex would stop manipulating. I know I cant stop her (there is no communication between us as she overstepped the mark few times and invaded our privacy). Any clever ways of dealing with this?

[jerrymichele]

If it was me, I would go ahead and let them be the bridemaids. I would also have a talk with your soon to be husband. Your bf's ex is trying to control him, and it seems to be working. I would tell him that if he doesn't get to see his kids that he needs to take the ex back to court and get his visitation rights. What does your bf say when you ask him to talk to his kid? I would encourage your bf to talk to his kid. You should try to get friendly with her, even if she doesn't want to. I'm divorced and my ex has talked so down about me to my kids that I had to show them differently.
I know that it's hard. Just keep trying and hold your head up high.

Your fiance is proof that love is only one part of making a relationship work. His unwillingness to be more decisive is far more revealing than all the "I love yous" he whispers in your ear.

If he is still traumatized by the divorce and is so easily manipulated, perhaps you should be thankful a marriage date has not been set?

Good luck.

[Junerain]

How about marital/premarital counseling? I am so sorry you are going through all this, I really amA counselor will help you address, and be assertive, with your fiance. Maybe he will become more assertive in the process. You both need to set some boundaries here, I feel. Are you sure you want to continue with the relationship? Family counseling too, involve his children too.

You did not write too much about how all this makes you FEEL...it might help to express this, I feel...

Hugs to you

Once it all is sorted out, you will feel better, the trick is sorting it all out..

[sabby]

Blending families can be so very difficult even under the best of circumstances. When you throw in a controlling ex, make that times 5!

You said his girls are teens....it's sooooooo hard for teens when a parent decides to remarry. No matter how bad their parents relationship was before the divorce, children always want their family back together again and will do what they can to make it happen.

I think the best way you and your fiance can make this work is for the two of you privately, talk about the wedding, maybe someone has to make some consessions, decide what you both would be comfortable with as far as his children being in the wedding goes. Then, the two of you sit down with the kids and have a heart to heart talk about their roles in your wedding.

Maybe they are a bit too old to be flower girls, but how about junior bridesmaids? Would that distinction help them feel more grown up, more a part of the wedding, closer to you both maybe?

I think children, even teens need to have boundaries. It is not wrong for you and your fiance to set those boundaries, lovingly and without anger involved. You can let them know that they will always be a part of their dad's life, that you are not looking to keep them away from each other and be selfish about things. Kids need support and with the words have to be the actions as well to back up the words. Once that is shown, I'll bet the kids will come around in time. As they age and mature, they will see who has used them and who hasn't (dad or mom).

I wish you luck with this dillema. Take good care!

[VickiesPath]

When my ex-husband wouldn't set boundries with his manipulating ex-wife, she turned their children against ME because I was the one who said ENOUGH! It turned me into the bad guy and from that point on, the kids when left in my care, would not mind me, would say, "I don't have to listen to you, you're not my mom", etc. All because my weak, ex-husband (their father) wouldn't set his own boundries with his ex-wife and I was left to do it.

I agree with Byz. Your BF needs to establish some ground rules with his EX now before this relationship is finalized. His children need to understand that they will always have a place in your lives like _sabby_ said, but they also need to understand that their father is choosing to begin a new life and an additional family with YOU. I can almost guarantee that the EX is behind all of this. It's up to your BF to sort this out before you make any more wedding plans or I'm betting you will regret it. Being the negotiator is not fun and doesn't work.

[Tatyana2009]

Thanks all for your input! Its useful to read this black on white like this.

My bf did talk to his children and reassured them. So did I. It seems to work for a while but then the ex gets involved. The kids are very dependent on her. When they are around us every other word they utter is 'mum'. We ignore it if the topic does not concern us generally.

He also, on occasions where the kids were rude to me, put them right and set the rules quite firmly. I think that as a result of us setting clear rules of behaviour in our house the older one stopped coming. She (twice) shouted in my house, telling me it was not my house and I should leave... running chaos and creating drama... We both talked to her together after this and while showing care and understanding we made it clear that this behaviour is not acceptable. She is used to run her mother's house as her mother admires her and is scared of her. The younger one craves boundaries but it seems that whenever she is over with us she just closes up, but I know she is finding living with her mother tough lately...

Yes, he is traumatised by the divorce and yes he is scared of his kids reactions but he is very devoted to me and our relationship.

After years of trying to sort things out for everybody and be the negotiator (Vickie
I stopped about 6 months ago. So I am not trying any more to establish anything with his kids. If she does not want to come to my house - that is ok with me. If the little one wants to lock herself in a bedroom - that is OK with me too. It was hard for me at first as it goes against my principles (I think its awful for a teenager to keep in her bedroom the whole weekend apart from meal times) but I cannot win this so I gave up trying. It is upto my boyfriend alot of time but even he cant do much. He talked to the kids so many times and we both said to the girl that we would really like her to join us in watching a film or playing a game or doing the xmas decorations with me - but we always get ignored. Thinking about it - it got worse after last xmas. The girls were here and because their dad wanted to involve them in our engagement he gave me the ring on xmas eve by the tree with them. I can only imagine this angered his ex - as there on the kids relationship with me deteriorated. Whenever we see the ex (dropping kids off, at a funeral, at the school, etc) she looks at me, looks down and speaks quitely to my bf - it is so pathetic. So yes - the ex is behind all this.

There is very little we can do because the kids spend most of their lives there. But yes - I guess my fiance should be more assertive with them about the wedding.

When I brought the suggestion that they will be junior bridesmaids (some months back) - I was told that I am putting them 'second best'... I cant win...

I know that most of their behaviour stems from fear (that the ex is planting in them and that maybe my fiance is not working enough to manage) but I also think that the ex makes the kids believe that there is a possibility of them being a family (if I was not in the picture she would have been quite happy to live in a different house with the kids but still run his life - its so sick and crazy).

As for my own feelings, Junerain - it really angers me and frustrates me. I am not one to go off on one though... I tend to deal with my emotions and think of a solution calmly. It also makes me sad of course that a wedding date is not set and I am angry with him for that.

We agreed that we will start planning the wedding after we move house and sort out some work issues he has at the moment, and I am sure that we start the planning again they will start running mad... So I am thinking now just to go to register with him in a small wedding, as I dont want the drama