[goddessgirl]

My boyfriend of 3 yrs. Has BPD (won't admit it). We have a 5 mo. Old baby & are supposed to get married....and I love him more than anything in the world & do want to spend the rest of my life with him (when he's not in his bad mode)...but he is so cruel to me during his psychotic episodes that my psychological scars are so deep I fear I'll never be the same. He starts feeling angry,says the meanest things anyone could ever say, I cry,then I get mean toward him, I leave,he goes crazy tracking me down til he finds me & I agree to come back, he cries uncontrollably,apologizes & swears he'll change cuz he can't live without me,we do the crazy passionate make-up session, things are okay (sometimes even perfect) for an undetermined period of time, and we start all over from the beginning again. Does anyone else know what kind of agony that pattern of behavior has caused? Any comments, suggestions,etc. Would be welcomed!

[kimmydawn]

goddessgirl, this sounds absolutely, positively scary and miserable.

has he been officially dx'ed with BPD. if so, is he on meds?

that being said, i don't know if you're going to want to hear anything else i'm about to say. but i'm saying it out of care and experience.

it is your b/f's responsibility to get himself stabalized. he needs to do that before you even CONSIDER marrying him. he's treating you this way now. it will not improve without him getting ALOT of help.

please don't marry him and allow him to continue to abuse you, and then as the child gets older, his illness will affect it immensely. the child doesn't deserve that. even if he treats the child with extreme care, what would it do to the child to see him treating you that way? any way you look at it, it's not good for that precious baby to be involved in.

i would tell him that he no longer has any access to you until he's gotten himself to dr and in therapy AND has become stabalized.

i know this sounds harsh, and i don't want it to. there's no other way to say it and a precious, innocent is involved.

please let us know and keep yourself and the baby safe,

kd

[(JD)]

I agree ^ with Kimmy... no marriage to this person... and then once he's stablized, he may not be someone you want to marry then either! Point is, imo, you don't know this person yet. The disorder prevents you from knowing who he is. TC of yourself first!

[sara1010]

I agree with Kim and Sky. Sadly enough this is an illness (BPD) that can ruin a person. I have it, and well, I didn't know at all until............I took a personality test and so much BAD stuff was way, way over the top of what normal should be. So with all of our ongoing problems, I started to look at what each result meant, then put them together, and read what the disorders of personality had in them. (All their particular problems I mean) Since figuring this out, my spouse has had to MAKE ME RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS, and this has taken care of some of my stupid acts, like, following him somewhere, spying on him, (sad huh?) reading his emails, looking at who he's calling and who's calling him. He's made me promise to not do these things, like a small child, and it has made me infinately happier. Also what has worked for the feelings of abandonment I get when he goes somewhere without me (which is on his chopper) is he does call me on my cell phone while I putter around the house and garden. And, he lets me know when he'll be back.

In the case of you're leaving the house pissed because of a fight, you might think about telling your guy to stay home (take his car keys if you have to) and tell and WRITE him (because he'll forget what you say to him) that you will only be gone for say 1 hour and that when you come back you will pick up his favorite treat item, ice cream, candy bar, etc., just for him. And then go do it. If you haven't the dedication to help him manage his infantile behavior, which is what it is, don't marry him. At some point he will realize his problems are what they are. I did mine, but it was unknown prior to a personal trauma to my body. The trauma caused me to 'un-split' my husband, which of course brought back the full-blown behaviors of BPD after 6 years. Yesterday was my first therapist visit, and I ended up so distraught even though, I canvassed my doctors for some sort of med to calm me down for the weekend. I did get something, and it helped so much with the feelings I was having. This morning, I flucuated between total hatred to wonderful bliss, but I've stabalized for the day/weekend, and am happy to be here while he's out on his bike.

The thing is, our emotions are tenfold what everyone else feels, because we think, feel, react like 7 year olds. Having a tantrum? Hold out our favorite sweet treat, toy, tell us this is just for us because we are loved and we usually calm down enough to take a few hugs till we flop over to a more positive mood. And then we can play better. LOL! Simplistic but true. This works so much better if you can read the signals that he is sending before he gets verbally abusive and mean. We are talking compassion here, for one who is a slave to their emotions and typically, without outside help, will spiral out of control. I think my spouse is slowly starting to understand this, but it will be a long, hard haul for both of us. I love him, badboy and sociopath that he is, (reason why I love him, excitment is catchy YEAH!!!!) and cannot imagine my life without him.

Lee, who is totally an enlightened BPD sufferer.
(I have a love/hate relationship with BPD)