[Cariadlawn]

Hi all,

I just found this site today, and I think it will be very helpful! I apologize in advance if this post is extremely long - there's just a lot I need to vent because I don't have the opportunity at home! I am 22 years old and living at home (temporarily, while I get back on my feet after paying college bills for four years). I am the oldest of five children in my family.

I am having a difficult time being happy at home, due mostly to the behavior of my mother. I think a major problem is her excessive use of the internet. I have read Dr. Grohol's thoughts on "Internet Addiction", and I agree - it's likely just a way of hiding from life's problems, rather than a true addiction. However, it is a big problem. Mom has always stayed at home to raise the kids, and has not had a job outside the house since before she was married. These days she spends several hours each day on the internet, primarily playing online games (not gambling). She stays up usually past midnight, then wakes up fairly early in the morning to do a few household chores before going back to the computer again.

I want my Mom to do something she enjoys, but at the same time I feel resentful that she doesn't put the same time and effort into caring for the people she lives with! She often treats her children like peons, asking us to do little tasks for her while she's on the internet (ie. Get me a glass of ice water, go pick up your brother from baseball practice, take care of the dog). I have always had respect for my parents, and of course would do what I'm asked, but I think these constant demands are unreasonable - she could even use the exercise involved in getting her own glass of water! She has even joked with other people that she has her kids "trained" so she doesn't have to do certain things herself. Mom has a virtually non-existent social life outside of the internet. When she does meet with other people, she is much nicer to them than she is to her own family. She rarely spends quality time with my Dad anymore - he's usually in bed before she's off the computer. Mom is very protective of "her" computer (in reality, the family computer), and rarely allows my brothers to use it (unless for homework), despite the fact that they rarely spend time at the computer. Last night one of my brothers, who has not used the computer in weeks, had been playing a game for only a few minutes when Mom came into the room asking him to log off. When he complained, she said "ok, go ahead and use it, but I'll remember this next time you want to spend time with your friend".

For two years Mom has been attending counseling...I think for depression, but I don't know for sure, as she doesn't discuss it. While there have been slight improvements, I think for the most part her counseling is teaching her to be a victim of her childhood rather than a responsible adult. Mom often reminds us that her therapist says she should do whatever she wants to do. My Dad is very patient - I don't know how he can stand it! Sometimes I wish he would step in and tell my mother how she hurts us all.

I wonder if anyone has any advice for me. I just find it very difficult to not let this affect me - I'm in a grumpy mood often, but I don't want to to make everyone else's lives miserable just because I'm unhappy. I guess because I'm the oldest, I feel very protective of the rest of my family. I don't want my Mom to give up on being a mother when she still has two teenagers and an 11-year-old! I don't want my Mom to treat my Dad like a walking paycheck when he sacrifices so much so that she can stay home with her kids and live comfortably.

I don't know where my place is in this situation. Do I patiently hold in all these feelings hoping for Mom to get better, or should I somehow confront the problem? I love my mother, but I'm finding it very hard to like her at this time (if that makes sense). I know this sounds terrible, but sometimes I don't even feel like being happy, because I don't feel like she deserves a share of any joy that I may feel, because she makes so many lives difficult (that's not how I feel all the time, only on particularly bad days).

Thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated!

[kvinneakt]

I think that it is no justification for her self isolation, but there are probably 10 times as many people or more that do exactly what your mom does only they do it with TV. I don't think you can fix her behavior. That is up to her. You are in your very last days in the household. When you leave, the problem will stay there if you don't take it with you. You can express your concerns, but your mom is an adult and entitled to do what she wants to with her time. I think any effort to manipulate her to better suit you, or others, is doomed to make the problem worse, not better.

OK, that said, you have to know that I am not too different than your mom. I have a very hard time with normal socializing. Doing it on internet is a life saver for me (including this site). I do think my family has learned to cooperate with each other's needs a bit more pleasantly, though. We each have our own computer. They are very cheap these days and it is not much different than having more then one TV in the house.

You have come to an age where you clearly realize your mom has flaws. It is disappointing. It is ok to let her be flawed. It sounds like her behavior is annoying, but not really all that bad in the grand scale of things.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the lightbulb must want to be changed.

[heatherm]

Hi there

Welcome to the board.

I sympathize with your problem and you are a very caring daughter to want to help your Mom. I am getting a sense that your Mom is avoiding the family and is finding some comfort in her online world. I think that you could sit down with your Mom and have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her your concerns...you are right - she still has an 11 yr old and 2 teenagers to raise. She may think what she is doing is ok....to me the internet can be addicting like alcohol or drugs to escape from reality. There is a healthy dose in anything. It seems like she is using it too much. Talk to her...let her know how much you care and that you are concerned. She may get defensive but then again she may not. You have to take that chance and do it.

My thoughts are with you and we are here for you. Keep posting.

Take care
Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

Hi, Cari. My name is Tomi and I'm a recovering Internet Addict. hehe

About 10 years ago, when my marriage went sour, I spent almost all day on the computer interacting with people. It was the only "social life" I had. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong because, after all, I was an adult and had my rights. However, just recently, my youngest son, who was in high school at the time, has been expressing anger toward me for all the hours I spent on the computer. He felt abandoned and thought I didn't care about him anymore. Stories of peer abuse have been coming out latetly and I've asked him why he didn't tell me at the time. He said "I did! You were just too busy with your online friends to care!" Big OOOPS! It was a terrible time for me, but I had no right to ignore my son and his needs.

My advice to you would be to confront your mother with your concerns and feelings; yours as well as for your siblings, let alone your father's. Kids are in so much danger these days with drugs, gangs, etc. Your siblings need your mother's attention. When and if you decide to confront your mother, don't accuse. Make "I" statements. "I feel... I need... I think." Try to keep out the word "you" because you immediately put that person on the deffensive and they won't listen. Don't beat around the bush, either. Come to the point; make your communication clear, concise and direct. It's not easy, but it's necessary... one Internet Addict that knows.

Good luck!

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Hi Cari, and welcome.

You do need to sit down with your mom and explain things to her about how you feel and how much you need her. They are right, use "I" statements and don't accuse or she will retreat more into the internet.

Unfortunately the internet is a place where you can be whomever you want to be, esp in chat rooms......there is no honesty there. Your mom needs to know that you love her for who she is, and that you need her.

Take care............

Mary Alice

[Dias]

well... im begining to think my mom pays no attention to me and that isnt a cool thing well she doesnt even tlak to me anymore that sucks too...

[kvinneakt]

OK, parent speaking here...

Do you try to communicate with her? I mean REALLY communicate?

There were many years with my sons, as teens where it went something like this:

Me: How was your day?
Son: fine

Me: Anything interesting at school?
Son: no

Me: What are you doing this weekend?
Son: nothing

Me: How's Joel (friend) doing these days?
Son: fine

Me: Does he still have that call center job on the weekend?
Son: DAD! I said he's fine. That's all you need to know.

Both my sons were like this. Monosylable replies to questions. They never initiated anything, unless a ride or money was needed. It was like trying to converse with a running shoe.

Now I am NOT saying this is you. I don't know. Is it? Do you make it worth while for you mom to talk with you? Or do you make her work hard for every little bit of information? There is only so much we parents are willing to do before we get to where it seems a lost cause.

There. That is all I can say and I know these are my issues, but maybe they have some bearing on yours...

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are