getting ready to separate

my husband uses my bi-polar as an easy excuse for any discussion about the sad existance of our marriage. I'm doing the right things like seeing my Doc regularly, taking my meds, eating and sleeping right. He just doesn't love me anymore and I feel very unwelcome in my home. I've come to believe the issue is "he has issues." I've felt guilty that maybe my illness is our problem but I'm starting to believe he's the one with "real issues on communicating." I'm confused and hurt. Has anyone out there had a spouse use their illness over their heads as a way of not dealing with problems?

Hi footballwidow

Have you considered couples counselling? Would your husband try something like that?

The only thing I had held over my head (many many years ago) was my alcoholism - the relationship did end because I was still drinking back then and so was he..

Communication is the key to a happy relationship imo.

Hot topic! Yes, I have had my dx used for my partner's unwillingness to look at her own issues. What I discovered was that my bipolar was just an excuse to drink and treat me bad. I was having none of that. It felt so wrong. So I had to move on. Does it feel like he's gaslighting? It probably is.

An ex of mine tried to use my mental illness as an excuse for his mental issues. At first he said our relationship was different because we were different. When he gave me the "let's just be friends" speech I told him why I though he did that. When I pointed out his distorted thinking he immediatly told me I should worry about my diagnosis and not try to diagnos him. Of course we didn't end up as friends, in fact, we haven't communicated in almost two years.

I agree that couples counseling would be something to think about.

My husband is bipolar. We fight like cats and dogs! Its unnerving. Him not sleeping with me is I'm bipolar. Or never spending time with me I'm bipolar. Or getting in his constant moods. I know mostly this is true but.... Ego can step in and cause big issues in a relationship.

The pattern I experience is he does something wrong. Then I get mad. Then he gets mad that I'm mad. Then I'm confused and mad because he's mad that I'm mad. "confusing" Then I want the fight to end. Then I apologize to stop the drama. And nothing gets resolved until we are both rationally thinking and not being so egotistic and having to be right.

Oh and don't argue or contradict what he says. Thats never a fun conversation. If he's wrong keep it to myself besides I really only need to know in my head that I'm right. My ego gets the best of me though occasionally. There's times where I always have to say the last word.

He has a cold shoulder when he's mad the size of Iceland too.

He uses our fights against me and says I'm always starting a fight. Aghhh. Is there any rational with an irrational moment? I don't think so. Its best to walk away until someone humbles and anger is gone. Theres no perfect relationship. Theres just a better way to approach I guess. Its impossible when theres anger involved or hurt feelings.
I think when two people care more about each others happiness than their own and have that as a constant goal things will improve. Its hard if one is being egotistic and selfish. I know a book that really helps me is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I put it on my blog. I've read it a lot.. Good luck!
That answer any of your questions or create more???? Hope I was helpful.

To paraphrase the saw about learning Chinese, "How to have a happy marriage in 10,000 easy lessons."

I wish you luck,