The age old question! What do woman want?

What do woman really want in a man? I read all the time you want him to be sensitive and caring. Honest and faithful. all that is well and good but is it true? What else do you need and want? I ask because one my wife wanted out of an 18 year marriage. I was faithful and loving I wanted to go into marriage counseling but she refused. Then after two years of dating not meeting anyone that I really felt I could have a long term relationship with I met this amazing woman. She and I hit it off from the first email our first date was like nothing i have ever had happen before. we talked until two in the morning. our 2nd and 3rd dates were about the same. she started to feel sick with a bad cold. i called a couple of times to check in on here and one day dropped off some flowers and because in an earlier phone call she said she needed space i only called to tell her to check her front door so the flowers would not wilt.
Later i get an email and she says she does not think we are right for each other. This after baring our souls me holding as she cried. At one point she even said she never felt so compatible with anyone she never felt so understood. Then just a few days later she is saying we are not right for each other. i know that our time together was short but I feel in love with this woman head over heals in love. This is rather long and I am feeling so much pain right now I have had a sleepless weekend. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Maybe someone out there has some insight. right now i can't see the forest from the trees.

(((((((artist))))))) I agree with the traits you listed... and add understanding. Woman can get scared easily, I think, especially when things really "click." Give her the space she asks for, so maybe she can think about it all.. and then if she "comes back" you will both know it's her decision... might even be better than the short time already?!

I'm sorry you are feeling it so... I can see you are sensitive for sure. BTW what kind of artist are you? I mean, what medium? TC

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Hi Artist...and welcome.

I think that there are women and men who are out there looking for serious relationships who do want similar things...and when one meets another they are hopeful it will work out when they see that some of the important "building blocks" are there.

The problem is that sometimes when you think you might have that connection, which is rare, you get caught up in the excitement and open up maybe too soon and share too much too fast. Somewhere along the way one might realize that something might just be a bit "off" for some reason or another and it is so much more confusing because so much was shared way too soon.

This is just my opinion, but the things that you are offering are definately what a woman would want...it's just a matter of finding that perfect connection and combination for you and going at a good pace as a couple.

You sound like a really nice guy and I hope you are not put off by this experience because I definately can understand your feelings of being "mislead". She was very much taken with you as well and opened up way too fast with you as well.

I don't know if this helped or you agree, but I hope that you are doing better and that you can find that perfect person to have a good relationship with.

Take care
Eva

welcome artist....Sky is right on target...fear is the optimum word....sometimes it seems "too right"...especially if you're not ready. this amazing woman certainly felt the connection...but got scared....it happens to all of us...Don't worry...the right AND READY one will come along....grace

simple answer ... a bad boy whos good, a good boy whos bad, a night time boy whos day, a daytime boy whos night, a rich boy whos thinks poor, a poor boy whos thinks rich, a great looking guy to show off, a ugly boy so no one can steal him, in other words hint hint they want something they cant have .. or is it something that doesnt excist.

so the answer to find the right women .. find her by acident like i did with my wife. It worked great.

Wva you hit some points that i have been thinking of Maybe we did open up to soon to fast to one another. I know that part of me panicked . i put that behind me and more then anything wanted to move forward with a relationship with this woman. One of her concerns seems to be our age difference. it isn;t a big deal to me but she is worried about it I;m 54 she is 43.
she was seeing a guy about a year ago who was closer to her age yet soon after their romance ended he died of a heart attack. I'm older and I could loss some weight so she is worried that this might happen again. Honestly her concern has prompted me to diet and work out more.
Another concern she has is that we are both very right brained people. niether of us has good money managment skills. It's late and i have had a sleepless weekend. Glad i found this place it has helped just to vent.

Artist...you pointed out some good points as well Yes...I can imagine a woman losing her husband due to a heart attack has some definate fears in the situation you are describing. As i said she was very much taken with you as well...just seems like "something" happened there. The things you are pointing out could definately be that something.

I'm glad you found this place to. I've found it extremely helpful and there are some really wondeful people here.

Again welcome and take care
Eva

It's easy to ask all those questions of yourself when you feel there was some flaw that caused the breakup. Like you, I too am an artist, very right brained (hey...that's a good thing!; married to a left brained engineer, bean counter for 20+ years, I won't go that direction again if the opp. arises!). I recently fell in love with a "remarkable" man, in a brief courtship, and from which he gradually retreated, and it ended about 2 months ago. How could someone with whom I had such "chemistry, and to whom I felt so drawn, reject me??? Like you, I have done all the soul-searching, blaming myself, being depressed, trouble sleeping, and generally obsessing over it! The plain, cold, hard truth I am having to process, is that he simply changed his mind and DIDN'T WANT ME! I haven't called him, but I HAVE emailed a few times, to which I get polite, but unencouraging replies. I am not suggesting your situation is the same as mine, Artist. Maybe the woman just "got scared" as has been suggested here, but my true feeling is that in a loving relationship, there should be NO anxiety, soul-searching, depression, sleeplessness or self-recrimination. NONE!!!! Also, the question I ask myself, which brings me back to reality is: "Do I really want to pursue someone who doesn't want ME???" I know deserve better, or nothing at all.
Also, I want to add, that, like you mentioned, I too have thought .....well, I'll get into better physical shape, be more attractive, and maybe then, if he sees me.....yadda yadda yadda! So much damn mental work for someone who simply doesn't want me!
Sorry to ramble on here, Artist. Maybe things WILL work out for the two of you. I just see so many similarities in what you have described, and I empathize with your pain.
Seeker

well another day has past. I still feel the pain and that will take time to go away. I still can't help but go over in my mind this abrupt change. On Sunday i over hear her talking to her Friends and family over the Phone and she was saying she met this great guy. I wasn't eavesdropping ( OK maybe a little but that made me feel great then On Wednesday It is like a 180 degree turn. It will take time to get my feeling about all this in some order. in the mean time. i Know that I am a good man. decent , caring, and loving. all the things that woman say that want. i do need to work on the package some. losing pounds is a good idea for my over all health not not just to make me look better. yes i am quirky If I had money , I would be a slight eccentric. without money your just quirky. I'm fine with my quirky life. There are a lot of very nice lovely woman out there who want a life in the suburbs with all the comforts. that's wonderful for them. I have dated so many woman and They seem to just want the same type of guy that they divorced.
I'm starting to ramble here.
if things don't work out Then i will keep looking. i was in an empty marriage fora number of years. I want someone in my life. I want to have that mutual supporting kind of relationship. each partner helping the other using your strengths to off set their weakness. I want it filled with laughter and adventure. She should be young at heart. Still willing to dream and seek whatever it is worth seeking. There is a quote I read some years ago, It is one that I love. " I want to die a young man at a very advanced age."

I will just add, Artist, that I too heard that the family had been told about me....how he had "met someone special." And it does give a feeling of security to know that, but it soon faded, making me feel I was at fault....not him. I hadn't even told MY family about him, and to this day, most don't know.
It sounds like this is a recent breakup for you....how long since you've actually seen her? Have the two of you communicated in any way which would allow you to give her assurance and comfort, telling her your true feelings and how special she is to you? I know all the advice books say NOT to contact the person, but if her issues are really just fear, I don't see the harm in letting her know your loving intentions toward her. I would like to know what others on the forum have to say about this. If, for instance, she has told you flat out that she doesn't want to hear from you or have any contact, then, pursuing her will only turn her off, I suppose, and make you appear like a stalker. It's a fine line, believe me....I KNOW!!!
Since it has been two months since my last visit with the fella I mentioned, and though I have emailed him two or three times, getting polite replies, the last time I emailed him, I actually got physically ill the next day, thinking about what I had done....AND....that email was just a friendly "hello," telling him about my grad school art classes and wishing him well in his new job as a college professor.
In my 8 years since divorce, my first dating experience resulted in the man becoming a stalker when I tried to end it, breaking into my house with a gun and trying to shoot me. (He went to prison.) So I am very aware, conscious, and cautious about my own actions, despite my feelings for this last man to whom I was so attracted. As I said...It is a very fine line of knowing what is appropriate re/communication.
So, to help you, it would be helpful to know what has transpired since the "breakup" regarding your contact with her.
Seeker

((((((Friendly female hugs!! Hi Artist!))))))))))))))))

I am a female that has had her share of "the definite wrong guy" However, I have now been w/ the same guy for over 22 years......when I was in nursing school; all the other younger females (especially one) had some of the most screwed up ideas about relationships & marriages. One who was sporting a "rock" on her finger that must have put the poor guy in debt far past the marriage anullment. They were always fighting over her cell phone during breaks & they were to get married over Christmas. Others were showing everyone they could nail to see the "wedding album pics"
And THEREFORE; over the years we've been together, we have watched our friends( and family members) marry & subsequently divorce.

I am an artist

my "illegal husband" is a musician = instant disaster? Almost, but not quite. We're both "emotionally unstable" but that has been what has saved us all these years. When we met we both KNEW we did not want to have children (face it, if everyone was meant to be a parent...there would not be any child abuse) He came from a totally close-knit missionary's family (all 3 boys were born w/ disabilities & all had vasectomies on their 18th birthdays)They moved all over the world; they all were musically-talented. (My guy is totally deaf in his left ear but can play classical guitar w/o sheet music) His father was a POWERFUL man verbally/emotionally; His mother very quiet & SOOO loving!!!

I came from a totally 100% dysfunctional family; Mother: Valium freak; Father: sexually & physically abusive to me & 100% alcholic (Mother "pretended" that nothing was ever going wrong) physically abusive w/my 4 older brothers...brothers: 2 have committed suidcide; they were drug dealers; burglars & vandalism... they got me drunk when I was in kindergarten and dropped acid in my kool-aid whenI was 9 rs old.
I got out of house by age 14 d/t alcoholism/AODA, truancy etc...spent my life in a big AODA induced blur w/ a few rehab ctrs in btwn; endless group homes. detention ctrs and residential tx ctrs until 18; got my GED - wound up in the Army as a medic & then psych specialist nurse. Keep drifting, had a dozen marriage proposals, but they were all "missing something" Always wound up back here, where I met him as a neighbor in my apt. bldg..........he was "special" in a weird way & I thought I could pick anybody's brain (after all the tx I went thru & then in, taught) It was his eyes..so emotional...and he could verbally "kill someone with words", he cried at the drop of a leaf - we were "there for each other whenever which one needed it most, he hated sports (exception: Green Bay Packers!) rarely lied about anything..his reason was: "Why?" We became FRIENDS first...on a basic level. We'd sit out till midnight on the front door stoop & play "Truth or Dare" He had "bedroom eyes' which lead to the bedroom..."no lies enter the bedroom"was the rule! (including fake orgasms) THE POINT:

If you can live in one room efficiencies w/ another person & NOT kill each other for 20 years straight - no stereo system, so cable, no computer games........you've got a chance! WE WERE BEST FRIEND's FIRST!! Yes, there was the sex thing w/ me being ana at the time (he wasn't crazy about that) or later, when I lost all my teeth to bulimia.....but we were just cool at just accepting each other..if one of us has a concern; we get really comfortable anywhere & TALK AND Listen to each other......sometimes we talked as long as it took to settle things! Occassionally, we'd have to take bathroom breaks & "fresh air to re-group" and we kept & so still do, keep going.

After 22 years we have "graduated" to a tiny so-called 1 bedroom apt. public housing (welfare)but we always wind up sitting by each other. I became a "roadie" for awhile; we finally gave up on going out w/ other couples b/c by the end of the evening, the other couple was fighting & Denny & I had to drag them to different ends of the place.

ppl today get caught up in the "idealized love, marriage, house, car & children" They feel that THAT's the way it's suppose to be. The upsweep that they have found the "ideal man/woman/both" The ring, the wedding, the church, the caterer's....********! We both wear gold bands that we got for a reasonable price at WalMart; We have years that b/c of psych problems & AODA on both parts; we have dragged each other thru absolute hell.....but he's the only one who will sit thru "bridges of Madison County" countless of times until we are each other's arms, crying & professing our love to each other. He's the only best friend I have had in my entire life; we don't hold back on each other...truth & committment to love & take care of each other...forget in church, in front of "God" & the world. WE LOVE EACH OTHER!!! We don't play mind games............life shouldn't change after marriage (relationship-wise)

OK. off the soapbox, my sweetie's home & I promised to make my homemade chili & steamed broccoli!! Hope I helped?

Peace, DAYZEE9

Dayzee9 i can see that your life has not been easy. But you seem to have one thing. That one thing can make all the hardships all the outside BS fall away. I'm very happy for you and your Husband.

Seeker, I do think about the possibility of being perceived a stalker so i have not had any contact since last Thursday. i had to run some errands today and it would have been a short hop off the freeway to just drive by her place.I resisted.I also saw a really nice bouquet of flowers and thought how much she would love them. I didn't buy the flowers. I did see that she had logged onto match.com and that really ripped my gut out. She has every right to do whatever she wants. But seeing that she had been on line looking really hurt .

The stalker mentality, about which I did a lot of reading, is all about control, all about ME, ME, ME! It is not about love at all, and they don't care how much fear and chaos they create as long as they reach their goal. You don't sound like that at all, and you are being very considerate to avoid driving by her place in reaching your destinations. Eventually, though, I hope you reach the point where you can come and go as you please without consideration of whether she might see you driving by. You say, she has the right to do whatever she wants....and, hey, so do you!

The time since your last contact is very recent....less than a week! Seeing a bouquet of flowers which make you think of her is just a natural result of love. I am wondering since it IS so recent, if you have had the opportunity to honestly convey your feelings for her before giving up? Was her break off from you so abrupt that you do not feel it would be appropriate to email her a letter telling her your heartfelt feelings? If you did such a thing and got NO response, or a negative rejection, then that would be your answer, and maybe helpful to you in moving on and recovering.

Now, about this Internet dating thing. You say you saw her profile on Match.com. May I ask, is that how the two of you met? Nothing wrong with that, and I have met some people that way myself. But I have some firm convictions about dating etiquette thru that venue. First, are both or your profiles currently posted? Did they remain posted and active during your time together? If so, for either of you, that is a BIG RED FLAG, and causes insecurity and anxiety. Also!!, and others may disagree with me, I feel there should be a "grace" period before posting one's profile again on the singles' sites after a breakup. It shows a lack of consideration and insensitivity for the one who was rejected. It is even possible that the experience you had with this woman is a pattern for her....setting someone up and then rejecting them. There are all sorts of predators on the Internet dating sites...emotional and financial, and I speak from experience. I won't go there again because of it!

I hope you are doing better today, Artist. I hope others here will post their opinions on what I've said.
Seeker

Seeker, and others got an e mail from her today. I was so excited by seeing her name on on-my incoming mail list. I had such a strong body reaction when i opened the note. My throat went dry. My fingers became numb and my heart was racing. It was like Christmas and and something else a feeling of dread. I read the e mail quickly skimming over much looking for both the negative and positive words. Neither was there it was short chatty note. she did say thank you for giving her some space and ask how i was doing. Over all it was hard to get any idea of what she was thinking or feeling. She neither ask me to write or ask me not to write. her email to me I will take as a good sign. Still I won't read to much into it.
yes seeker we met via match.com both of us were about to quite when she sent her first email to me. I fell in love with her words long before we had our first date. On that date it was like every word we said to each other confirmed a feeling that we had always known each other. That we were Kindred spirits who had spent years searching for each other. It ws in that first evening that we both put our match profiles on hold. i didn't want any distractions. I also wrote to a woman that i had been writing to and told her I was now seeing someone. I wished her luck .
Once again i have dug deep into my soul my heart aches There are a few things that are my truth. #1; I am in love with Linda. it is the heady rush of new born love. One that i believe could lead to that lasting love this giddy excitement this rush of emotion could lead to that deep love the love that is quite and patient.
32 Is that even if she does not feel that same love for me . I am happy that i have had this time and been able to feel this way. The joy far out weights the pain. I own both the Joy and the pain they are mine. they are part of being alive of having a heart.
#3 In my own time i will tell her . I will tell her that she is loved If she can't return that love if in her heart she just does not have those feeling for me then we both need to move on. i am a good man a worthy man I deserve to be loved for all that i am and all that I am not.
#4; if there is spark there if she has some fears or whatever holding her back I will do what i can to ease those fears and Help her see as a team as partners we could good for each other.

Oh,my gosh, Artist!!!!! She wrote to YOU!!!! That is a very good sign! I'm not kidding! I know your feelings of the rush of excitement as you read her words, skimming over it at first to see if there is positive or negative. But the fact that she contacted YOU is positive, in my opinion! She stated that she was appreciative of the fact that you had given her space. See, if you had hounded her, you would have definitely scared her off! You are doing well! I think it is most positive that she contacted you. Ponder how you will respond. You are sensitive and caring and you can convey your feelings in a way that will give her assurance and comfort.
I am also glad to hear that you both suspended your profiles while you were seeing each other!
Seeker

Thanks for the kind words Seeker. i think i am to sensitive for my own good.

How are you doing, Artist? I hope you have been able to communicate your feelings to your lady.
When you have time, please let me know.
Seeker

Thanks for asking seeker, Linda and me had a very long talk yesterday. i told here that no matter what the outcome no matter if we stopped seeing each other , became friends, or had this amazing romance. No matter what In this time and Place she is loved. My feeling for her were real and genuine and all the other stuff was just that stuff.
She tends to get into her head and start analyzing every little word. She has spent many years studying Eastern spirituality and Thought. She would go on with new age babble. In the end she does not trust those words"I love you" That's understandable. since the beginning of time men have used those words to get women into bed. I'm sure some caveman used that line one to many times on some cave woman. When she wised up to his lie. She got smart and started the worlds oldest profession. think about that next time your watching The Flintstones.
There's a funny line that sums up that one aspect of male, female relationships " Of Course i love you. Now take off your Dress so I can prove it."
i explained to Linda that My feeling were real. That this love was new and it did need the test of time. It would take a lot of care and nurturing.
Being able to love to feel that heady rush of emotion is rare gift. it is not my gift to give her. it was given to me. It is mine and I simply wanted her to know how I felt . I don't need her to return those feelings. it would be more then wonderful if she did. but if she can't if for whatever reason she can not let herself go in that direction then I would still have that time. That romantic , Lusty , giddy weekend of joy , tears, sharing and being seen for who we are. not just seen by romantic candle light but seen in the harsh glare of the the Sun at high noon.
seeker, as an artist you know light. You know how it effects objects.. The same object under direct harsh blue white light can look and feel much different, then say in the soft glow of an indirect mellow warm yellow light.
She is doing a confrence in ca this next week. she ask me to drive her to the airport Sat morning.

well, I can tell you one thing.....You're a very thoughtful romantic soul...and that bodes well for any relationship you pursue....best of luck...grace