[SidneyS]

I'm a very confused person i think. This is my second post here, but i guess i ought to explain what happened before, A couple of months ago, i wrote here asking for advice on whether to tell my fiance that i had been intimate with another man before he came along (even though we did not go all the way). we have been together for 3 years now and really happy but then, he thought i was completely innocent. My fiance is a little possessive (NOT in the dangerous way) and does not believe in multiple relationships, n i hid that fact but was feeling guilty everytime he tells me how honest we were with each other. And a few people asked me to let it go, and live in the present, but i couldn't and finally told him what happened.
He was hurt and he tried to forget it and convince himself that i was innocent and manipulated into it. And I could not find it in myself to say anything further. The thing is, I did not have any relationship as such with that other man, but that intimacy was only physical i'm ashamed to say, i could not feel anything for that guy, n it started off by mistake n lasted maybe 2 weeks, i think i used him as he used me because during that time i was lonely and needed a man and i was in love with my fiance but did not think he would return my feelings, so that guy was like a substitute. Im too ashamed to admit i acted on pure physical need and maybe the other guy also manipulated me but i was a willing partner. But the weird part is, I din like him even when that was happening, I even hated his touch sometimes. I told my fiance only that i was a willing partner and i did not resist that guy. He feels that i was some sort of victim whereas thats not the case, i told him m not a victim but i couldn explain fully why, because he will definitely lose respect for me,so now i still feel that m hiding something again and having that guilt trip all over again. I know that for most people this is nothing serious but its different in the culture of the country i live in. most of all i believe that when u love a person, one should know all the good and bad parts and still love but m afraid to let the bad part be seen. I dont know what to do, we have both decided to forget it and never bring this topic up again but i know he believes the incident to be different from the complete truth. I'm reminded of wht i did and what happened before everyday in some small way , even though im a different person now, but i push it out of my mind and try to b normal and happy but it does not go away completely. I just want to wipe that memory away. Am i going to feel this forever? Am I doing something wrong? Do i need to do something about this? I cant talk to him again and hurt him n us. Its irritating and upsetting to have one mistake in my past make me feel so horrible all the time. But i cant seem to help myself despite all the practical and sensible lectures i have been giving myself.

Hello, SidneyS. Do you know why you have this intense need to punish yourself? You both decide to forget about this topic but you want more punishment why? Is sex in your culture not supposed to fulfill a physical need?

Have you talked to a professional about your obsession with punishing yourself?

Good luck.

[jenkins09]

I too used to deal with guilt and couldnt let things go. You're human and allowed to make mistakes. You slept with a man, had no feelings for him and now feel guilt. Were you using this man to fill a void in yourself that you have not yet identified?

Do you believe that you deserve happiness? You should applaud yourself for being honest with your fiance. He forgave you, now forgive yourself. I hope you find some peace, and if you cant seek a qualified therapist. I say this because I think this need to punish yourself will haunt you until you deal with it.