[ThePainNeverDies]

I know that Connor and I had our issues before we split up and that we both did a lot wrong and just wouldn't accept and change what we were doing wrong. So, we had to split up. It was for the best...

It's been almost 3 weeks, which is the longest we've been apart for. We still see each other a little and talk, but it's just not the same. I'm supposed to be trying to recover and it's so much harder without him there. His parents won't let him get back together with me, they said that if he did decide to get back with me, they'd force us apart. I know they may dislike me because I hurt him, but they can't do that surely? Shouldn't they let him make his own decisions and accept that and we can work on my relationhsip with them as we as with him?

I miss him so, so much and it's os hard to just sleep at night, or eat like I'm supposed to be, according to my new food plan. It's even harder to get out of bed each day. I feel so unhappy deep down, but on the outside I'm happy, bubbly, bouncy. Work is my favourite place to be at the moment because it distracts me from everything and I have something to concentrate on.

But... Everytime I'm at home I find myself thinking about him, everytime we talk online, I end up crying throughout the conversation and feeling downright miserable. It aches so much and I know what he wants. He's said that he wants us to get back together but that we need to sort ourselves out first.

My counsellor has said that I need to create a bubble around myself. My Kirsten bubble. It is so ******* hard when so many people are asking for my help and when I tell them that I'm sorry and I need to concentrate on myself, on getting myself better. They put a sad face, or try to make me feel guilty in some way. Like I'm not allowed to help myself. I want to create this bubble, but how can I with people like that?

I'm finding this so hard... I just need advice on how to get through all of this.

Thanks /

Hello, ThePainNeverDies. To get better, your counselor has advised you to create this bubble. Sometimes you have to be selfish and self-centered to get better. Learn how to say no: http://stress.about.com/od/settingbo.../ht/say_no.htm

Most importantly, get better for you. The bubble your counselor wants you to create includes Connor. If you work to get better solely as a means to renew your friendship with Connor you are doing yourself a disservice. Connor may or may not be a part of your live again. You, however, will always be the most important person in your life.

Good luck.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know that I should be th most important in my life and I'm trying so hard to make that so, but so many people rely on me and when I say no they make me feel guilty somehow. I have pretty much had to stop talking to some of them because all they seem to want out of me is help all of the time

My bubble is slowly being created. I just can't hep but ask what's wrong when someone says they're not feeling great. No matter how i feel, I want to help and I know that needs to stop. I am trying my hardest to just concentrate on me.

Of course I want Connor in my life and of course my bubble includes Connor. But he needs to be selfish in a good way too... I don't wanna rey on him like others rely on me, but I can't seem to do this on my own at all. I'm finding it so hard

I really do feel alone where I'm living. I'm not in supported housing, I don't have people around me that I know as friends, I just have elderly people who yell at me for walking up the stairs after work or even before work and it's so lonely, so hard. Even just being able to hear people talking, music, whatever, would help but I don't even have that.

It is hard and yes, I know that I do have a job and I do have this flat, but I just feel empty because all the people who have loved me or w.e, have gone and I have no-one left.. That's what makes it so much worse.

[bballer]

You have to love yourself sometimes. I know that you hurt for him and want things to be the same, but as of right now, it isn't like that. Nobody knows what the future has for the two of you. You cannot rely on him too much.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know that I do rely on him an awful lot and I'm trying my best not to because he needs his space too, but it's hard when he asks me to talk to him, tell him how I'm doing etc.

We have both decided that yes, in the future we will be getting back together. That's why he wants me to tell him how I'm doing because he wants to see the improvements in me and he's said he's seeing them already, even if I did have a particularly bad day/night yesterday.

What didn't hep was someone from work saying: "Hahaha. If you're like this when you're on your medication, what would you be like when you're off them? You'd be a bloody nightmare!! Hawhawhaw" and that really affected me because I already know that I'm a screw up, I don't need people to tell me that. He's also commented that my eyes look tiny without my glasses on and that hurt too. I already have issues with body image and how others see me...

But yeah. I know I can't rely on him too much and that I need to love myself. I am trying to do both of these and oving myself is incredibly hard, but I just hope that it'll get easier with time.

ThePainNeverDies, don't let those scoundrels at work get to you. Ignore them. As far as Connor, in my view he is making it worse for you. He will talk to you when he wants to talk. Then he gives you this stuff about improving.

If as you say you do not want to rely on him, get a good base of support that does not include him.

You are a good person, ThePainNeverDies. Work harder at looking out for yourself. Don't allow these people to play games with you.

Good luck.

[ThePainNeverDies]

How is he making it worse?

I know that I need to improve and I want to. If anything, it's his parents making it worse for me. I want Connor to see me improving. I want to have a good support network, but I just don't know how to build one that I can have now. It's so hard because I just don't trust people that easily and when I do it's always the wrong people.

I know that I shouldn't dwel on what I dont have but on improving what I do have, but it's so hard when I hear people say "My Mum/Dad this" Or "I hate my Mum/Dad so much!"

It makes me so angry. At least they have a Mum and/or Dad.

It's so hard because I just don't trust people that easily and when I do it's always the wrong people.

Connor is making it worse by constantly fueling your desire to reconcile. How do you expect to deal "with what you were doing wrong" when he calls you all the time? Do you too keep a running tally if he is dealing with what he was doing wrong?

[ThePainNeverDies]

You mean he's making me want to go back downhill?

I want to better myself, I want to be the person I was born to be and am so willing to be. I'm crushed because I found out this morning that my abusers are moving home. With my dog. I have mixed feelings. One, I'm happy because it means they won't be in my life anymore and can't bother me, but two... They're leaving! I won't know where they live, how to avoid them and they're taking my dog even further away! The only thing that has kept me from completely losing it is knowing that I can always cycle to go and see her in the garden without them knowing. I feel gutted. Absolutely gutted, at the same time as feeling happy about it. I just don't know what to do!

I woke up this morning after a really good night's sleep (thank God) and although I felt really awful and down, at the same time, I felt happy. But I've screwed up so much and I just.. What am I supposed to do now?

(((((((( ThePainNeverDies ))))))))

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks.

I've had a good day today and now Connor's saying we should stop talking and that he's not going to get help despite trying to get through the stuff on his own before and each time not being able to do it.

I'm frustrated because he's being so ambiguous and just not answering my questions. I had to take the day off work today. I had to phone in at 3am because I was too sick to go in. I was too sick because he keeps changing his mind, getting my hopes up, then pushing me off the edge again. But no, I won't accept that now because I'm sick of getting my hopes up only to be let down again by him.

I didn't WANT to take the day off work. I didn't WANT to be ill and stuck in bed all day. I didn't WANT to hurt like this and be so affected by it. But I have and there's nothing I can do about it except just get on with everything. I'm going to have to take until next Tuesdayt at the least off because I collapsed last night and am so weak and tired and can hardly do anything right now.

And he keeps invading my privacy again, even though he's not even with me! If I depress him that much then why keep checking up on my posts and depressing himself with the things that I say about how unhappy I am? Why?! It's stupid!

I'm so angry right now because I just cannot stand being screwed about and hurt like he has hurt me over the past 2 days. He said a lot of harsh things yesterday and while he may be sorry, I cannot forgive that. It hit me so far below the belt that I'm now very sick.

Let's just hope I can be better by tuesday and get back to work... If not I may have to be signed off

[cantstopcrying]

(((((((((((((((((K))))))))))))))) Sweety, I am so sorry you are going through all this! I have been absent for so long and I'm sorry. I don't know what happened between the two of you, but I do know you can do this. You can create your "bubble" and you can make it..you can make it so you are strong enough to handle Connor being hot and then cold, up and down with your emotions. Sweety, I believe in you and I know you believe you can do this...I know you want to do this. My goodness, how far you have come!! I am so proud of you, having an eating plan, your job, your flat, your counselling. Do you still have your music? It sounds like it would be hard to play where you are at. Focus on you, sweety. You are the most the important.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you CSC. I have missed you!!

Of course I still have my music. I have done two gigs in the past 2 weeks and both went really well, what with being told I can make it in the music industry.

I know that I want to do this, it's just a matter of whether I can deal with everything. It doesn't seem like it right now... I have to go shopping today and I don't even know if I can face up to that. I won't be going shopping where I work because they'll be questioning how ill I am or how ill I don't look. I don't know. I would think after 4 days of not eating, it'd show in my face. I feel incredibly tired and lethargic and just like dying would be better than this. Anything would.

I may be going horse riding tomorrow, but I'm not sure. Horse riding makes me feel free and alive again, but I don't know if I'm too weak to ride. I don't think I will be because riding gives me strength and empowerment.

Basically Connor abused me and the other day (as he put it) he screwed me and left with the words "I don't WANT you. I will NEVER want you. You need to get over that." and then he left.

He apologised afterwards but I knew that had come from him truly meaning it so I said to him "Don't you even dare to try turning that back around and try telling me what I want to hear. I know that was the truth and I CAN take it." he didn't say anything after that. Then he came to me with his problems and after that turned it around again and said that we can't ever be together. SIGH!!! Stop confusing meeeee!!!

I'm very ill at the moment so have had to take time off work and each day I am getting weaker and weaker. Everytime I stand up, I get dizzy. If I move while I have the dizzy spell, I collapse. If i don't I am close to collapsing anyway. It's horrible.

Today I have bills to pay, rent to pay and shopping to do. I really don't feel up to it but it has to be done so I'll have to get out of bed soon enough

Put Connor in the archives under "Toxic."

[ThePainNeverDies]

My reaction to that was "aha." A kind of short laugh. :P It's true I suppose, he hasn't spoken to me today which is helpful.

He phoned me up yesterday when I was out with a friend having lunch (I ate!) and said that I'm gonna lose my job if I don't get into work NOW. So i rang up work and told them what he said and they said it was rubbish. Pfff. I think he was just trying to scare me. And anyway, if I lose my job I can easily find another because I'm a trained fishmonger and I can go to veterinary surgeries and start my apprenticeship for being a veterinary nurse. I have it all figured out.

I hate my job where I am at the moment anyway, so I'd love to get out of it. It's just helping me to pay the bills at the moment.

It just annoyed me that he phoned up after saying that we weren't going to talk for a while and he phoned up yelling at me for not being in work... BECAUSE I WAS ILL AND STILL AM!!!!

Pshhh. Some people, eh? They didn't complain when the assistant general manager went off sick with toothache did they? Nooo, so why complain when I can hardly get my butt out of bed??

Today I'm feeling a little better and am going horse riding in approx 2 hours and 17 minutes can't wait! Bit anxious because I haven't been for a while, but really looking forward to it

Have fun, Hopalong.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Why hopalong? :P

I do have rather sore legs after that now. My thighs hurt the most because I did rising trot for about 15 minutes solid. Owiiiieeee! And then got to canter :woohoo:

Taken different friends out for lunch 3 times this week. Ouch! :P I enjoyed it though. It helps to make me and others feel better, so all's good.

Just suffering with a sore stomach and a painful chest now! But it's slowly going. I just hope work on Tuesday isn't too bad and that they don't expect me in on Wednesday because I have counselling then.

I've decided that if they need me in to set up the counter, I'll compromise. I'll go in to set up the counter and as soon as it's done, leave to go to counselling at 8.30. I think that's only fair considering it's supposed to be my day off anyway.

http://www.tvacres.com/horses_topper.htm

[ThePainNeverDies]

Hahaaaa thank you TheByzantine! That really put a smile on my face. My eyes are sore from crying again, but I have since proved myself right again and cheered up a little. This helped to get me ready to go to sleep once my meds kick in. Thank you

I did crash again earlier and very nearly gave up (again) but (again) something stopped me. I'm very, very tired. Absolutely exhausted in fact and my legs are very sore from horseriding yesterday, but Im happy enough.

I just hope it stays like this for as long as possible.