[dogtanian]

i've had a friend recently who's always been very erratic with people. she's a nice girl but she's extremely insecure (the doc suspects borderline) and craves attention/love etc. she was going through a rough patch after splitting with an ex, it was pretty serious, she was arrested etc, in hospital and so on. i helped her get back on her feet. that was in december, and since then i have had her in crisis probably every week or so, in dec and jan i was having her crying on the phone maybe 4 times a day. she had nowhere to live so i put her up on my sofa, i paid for her to have taxis to collect stuff from her old place, i paid for her to have taxis to doctor appointments as it was clear she'd abscond if she went on public transport. i spoke on her behalf to doctors and her parents, i put her in contact with a therapist who seems to be helping her, she's been evicted from about 5 flats in the last 4 months, every single time i've been there for her, i've had her to stay again, i've let her use my phone to call for new flats, use my internet connection etc. even in the middle of my exams, i dropped everything to help her, she needed to stay, so she stayed.

the other day i went out with her and someone else we both know. this person told her that

1: i'd said i hated her staying with me (this isn't true, although i did say to this person that it would be up to the other flatmates as well, and i apologised to them for the inconvenience)

2: i'd said she couldn't live with me in my new place for a different reason than the one i'd given her (to be fair, i probably did but not very different and the result was the same)

now this "friend" sent me a message saying that she believed i hate her, and that i had lied to her and that i can't be trusted so she would never contact me again.

obviously i am fuming about this. at the end of the day, i haven't lied to her - if i have all it was was something like a slight difference in how i told things to certain people that was misinterpreted. she finds it hard to take criticism in any way, even in a constructive way (which i always aim for) and so often i've had messages when i've given advice that hasn't been agreed with that i hate her and therefore she will end all contact with me.

i realised after a while this is emotional blackmail but every time i've ended up grovelling to placate her. but i've tried to tell her i will not accept blackmail of that kind.

even though i have suspicions that she lied to me early on about something pretty major (she rang on her way to a job interview saying she'd been mugged and her purse stolen, but the next time i saw her she'd started work in the same area and had her purse...) and even when everything and everyone has been against her i've stuck up for her, put myself out to help her, dropped everything to listen and talk to her.

she sent me a message after the initial "lies" one, saying that she'd appreciated my help but didn't need it anymore (i strongly suspect this isn't true. i hate to be a doom-monger but she is up and down like a yoyo and i don't know if she's strong enough to make it alone, plus no one else sticks with her for long, she's so erratic). i found it quite offensive as the message was very abrupt. then she sent me one today saying she'd meant it in a nice way, and that she wouldn't be bothering me with dramas again" but would stay in touch.

the problem i have now is how to go forward. my main issue is:

1: i feel she's being quite childish and ungrateful. i don't ever make a list of everything i do for friends, that's not right, but if i am there unfailingly for a friend, i expect at least friendship and for them to be there for me. i think that's natural.

2: if i am friends with someone i don't mind being "bothered with dramas" - that's what friends are for, isn't it? thick and thin etc. it's nice if they aren't in trouble but if they are i will be there for them, always.

3: i'm very concerned that she now thinks that i hate her, that she can't trust me, that i only help her grudgingly (not the case). she says she wants to be friends again "without the dramas" - but if she doesn't trust me, if she really believes i'm lying to her (i'm not), what kind of friendship could it ever be? and, knowing her history, can i accept only being friends on good days? i'm not a fair-weather friend and if i am genuinely friends with someone i expect both of us to be in it for everything.

what else bothers me is that from this incident i'm now aware that she doesn't trust me - i'm going to be walking on eggshells, and i'm even more aware of the power of her emotional blackmail. i'm not sure i could do this incident again, and i don't have faith that it won't happen again, i really think it will, or similar.

so this is the question: should i stay friends with this girl? is it worth having a friendship based on mistrust and wariness? i always said i'd be the one person that didn't give up on her, but she's testing me right to the limit and i'm wondering whether it's worth the misery. i honestly don't mind helping her, i never have, but i hate this situation and i'd almost rather wash my hands of it.

on the other hand i could say something along these lines to her and see what happens.

can anyone advise please?

[hector]

im gonna keep it short ven tough theres no simple way to say this this girl has the symptoms of a people user ie seen them many times, i just recently broke contact with someone that was creating problems of the same sort for me, if a relationship is causing you more problems that you can handle , is best to rid of that association that can poisen the spirit, is time to lighten the burden...........hactor

[hector]

an unreliable messenger stumbles into trouble, but a reliable messenger brings healing.......proverbs 13:17

[dogtanian]

thanks for the advice i decided that too, pretty much. my good friend said if i believed that this would not happen again it was worth trying to work it out, but if i could see it happening again then to call it a day. i could see it happening frequently! also, i am very much all or nothing with friends. if i am there for them, i am, through everything, and expect them to be too - if they are a good friend it's not difficult, it's done easily and happily. but if one person doesn't trust the other, then there will be trouble. if they don't trust them and also only expect them to be there in good times, then it's a disaster.

[bebop]

have you ever heard of tough love? it sounds to me like your friend is just using you and what we here call a mooch. she needs to grow up and stand on her own two feet. just my 2 cents.

[dogtanian]

i agree with you bebop. she's beginning to grovel - i'm rejecting her calls and emails but i'm being sent gifts in the mail - it's scary. in the end i got advice to thank her for the gift, graciously. she is good at stirring and i don't want to give her any reason to spread bad things about me, or dislike me, but also to say i need space and will not be in contact for a long time, if at all.