[Bella92]

From when I had just turned 15 to about 6 months ago (maybe less, depending on how you look at it) there has been someone in my life who is very important to me. His names Adam, we started off as friends, and then we were each others closest friends. Then we had a relationship that lasted a year. It was rocky towards the end and then he ended it. I was completely devastated. I really loved him (and still do) and he was my best friend. We both wanted to spend our lives with each other, we knew that because we were young it was unlikely, but we hoped we could make it happen. And we always assumed that even if our romantic relationship didn't work out we'd always be friends, and always know each other.

He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. Hes always had anger problems, as long as I've known him, but it just got worse and worse, and since we've broken up he has been diagnosed with Association Disorder, Autism, and Schizophrenia. He started seeing someone else 3 weeks after we broke up (he didn't leave me for her, he didn't know her before we broke up) and is still with her now. But I know he doesn't tell her his problems, and he 'acts' all the time, with her and with everyone... but I'll probably try to explain this in posts.

Our relationship after we broke up was tumultuous too, from him wanting to be friends and still caring to getting angry and now directing all his anger at me.

I love him so much and it kills me to see him with her every day (we all go to the same college) but I try to understand that hes well within his rights to do that, some people just like to be dating someone, and its not the kind of relationship he refers to as a "life-long bond" as he did with me... but its hard because I'm a more closed off person and I've only ever had a relationship with him. And it also kills me to want to be with him but have to settle with 'just friends' for now, only to have more problems with that.

I really miss him and want to be with him, and I'm scared for him too.

Bella92, you are grieving the loss of someone you cared about. Life is not always fair. Sometimes, there is no happily ever after. At some point you will need to accept what happened. If you do not, you will only be prolonging the misery you are going through right now.

[Bella92]

But I don't want to give up on him I want to be with him... I'm not expecting 'happily ever after'.

Your choice.

[jenkins09]

Bella92,

What exactly are you giving up on? It sounds to me like your going through a normal grieving process of a relationship that meant a lot to you. Let yourself feel all the emotions. Dont allow him to abuse you and spew his venom at you becasue you care for him, thats not okay. I wish you the best.

[lxegirl]

I know EXACTLY what ur going through, I'm only 15 and this already happened to me. We were together for a year and 3 months. I love him. The only real difference is that he did leave me for Another girl. from personal experience, i think you should separate yourself from him for a while, especially if he is hurting you. If you care about him, You can do it from a distance through his friends and family. Its working for me good luck!!

[dfh932]

Hi Bella,

I agree with others here that it is okay to feel sad and longing and miss him, and it's part of the process of moving on.
Also, it's hard since you've only had one serious relationship to know what a relationship is supposed to be like. It sounds like he was really hard to be with, and didn't treat you right.
But the thing is, it won't be like this forever. Maybe the idea of him or of certain things you had together make it so hard, but the whole, "he's misunderstood and im the only one who gets him, so he can treat me like crap because i know how sensitive and messed up he is," not to sound harsh, but thats just not true.
I can relate to those feelings, and i know how ...they can just lure you in and seem like you can't resist wanting to be with that person. Like, they are dark and mysterious and messed up and complicated and it can just draw you right in, right up to them.
But really, he's not good for you, and if you can let it pass...you will see him more clearly as time goes on. But if you try to get him back or obsess or get involved in a drama with him now, it will only make it harder.... ((((bella))))