[zellbeelee]

My eleven year old son lives with his father and spends weekends with me and my husband. He just called me to tell me he did not want to spend Easter with me because he doesn't like his step-dad. I am so hurt and confused I don't know what to do!! Do I tell my husband??? Do I just let it play out?? I need HELP PLEASE!!!!!!!

HELLO, zellbeelee. There is no easy answer. You son is not old enough to be deciding what visitation he will honor. I wonder if you ex has something to do with this?

Of course, if you tell your son he is coming whether he likes it or not, he will not be very happy. There are a lot of things people have to do even if they do not like doing it. I think your husband needs to know.

My thought is you and your son should be visiting for Easter.

[zellbeelee]

I talked to my husband about it last night. I told him my son thinks that my husband doesn't like him and is too hard on him so in turn he doesn't like him either right now. I didn't want to hurt my husband by just telling him that my son just didn't like him. I also spoke with my son again and I am begining to think he is jealous that there is another man in my life and we don't get much one on one time these days because when he comes to see us we have my husbands two kids as well.

This is just so hard because I don't know how to handle all of this I thought I had the perfect little family???!!!

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

HELLO, zellbeelee. There is no easy answer. You son is not old enough to be deciding what visitation he will honor. I wonder if you ex has something to do with this?

Of course, if you tell your son he is coming whether he likes it or not, he will not be very happy. There are a lot of things people have to do even if they do not like doing it. I think your husband needs to know.

My thought is you and your son should be visiting for Easter.

[englishteacher]

zellbeelee - What if you set aside some time with just your son? If he's jealous and missing his mom, then giving him a little one-on-one may help him adjust a bit.

[RomanSunburn]

I agree with what EnglishTeacher said. Why not take him to dinner, just the two of you, at least one night when he's with you? Perhaps a movie and a game (I know around here that the farm teams for the big leagues usually have pretty cheap games, around $12 bucks a ticket? 15?) Offer to take him to do things he likes to do that maybe he doesn't get to do much during the week. Perhaps encourage your husband to do the same with his kids while you're out with your son.

Good luck,
Ro

[IndigoD]

Agree too! When I was young and spending time with my divorced father, it drove me crazy that I never got to spend any time with him alone. These kind of moments happen naturally when you are together all the time, but when you only have weekends or visits, it is harder to find them. Your son needs to feel sometimes that he is the most important one, and that you are willing to make an effort to make sure he is happy, not just that he has to slot into the life that you and your husband live normally. This is not normal for him. It is not fair to expect him to do all the adjusting.
To say he is "jealous" of your husband I think is misunderstanding the problem. He just misses his mom, and the good times you used to have. A daughter would feel the same "jealousy" so it has nothing to do with "another man" and everything to do with the loneliness of a child. Please, please don't start down this train of thought, pitting a child against an adult in a "competition" for love. It is destructive to all involved.
It also concerns me that you want to protect your husband's feelings by not openly discussing the situation here - you and your husband are both adults, you son is just a child. It doesn't matter what your husband thinks of your son, your husband needs to help him feel comfortable and happy - that is part of the adult responsibility of being a step-parent. If he can't do that you really should make sure you spend time with your son alone. Your son needs to know his mom loves him at least.
I am really sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but I have personally lived through many situations similar to this in various roles, and it seems it always the children who come out worse. Make time for your boy, talk to him. And listen. He doesn't want to lose you. Good luck Zellbeelee!

[zellbeelee]

Indigo,

what have said is not really so harsh it is true I didn't mean that he was in the really negative sense of the word "jealous" I just meant I think he feels somewhat threatened by my relationship maybe that his role is not as important to me as my husbands. And in that sense his role is the most important to me he is my child and I love him above all else. I am just a peace keeper type of person and I have a hard time dealing with conflict. I know in my heart this will all work out I am just hoping everyones advise will help. I will plan some things for just me and my son to do and in turn have my husband do the same with his children.

I also was a step child growing up so I do understand where he is coming from. But I do want to thank you for your advise.

Originally Posted by IndigoD

Agree too! When I was young and spending time with my divorced father, it drove me crazy that I never got to spend any time with him alone. These kind of moments happen naturally when you are together all the time, but when you only have weekends or visits, it is harder to find them. Your son needs to feel sometimes that he is the most important one, and that you are willing to make an effort to make sure he is happy, not just that he has to slot into the life that you and your husband live normally. This is not normal for him. It is not fair to expect him to do all the adjusting.
To say he is "jealous" of your husband I think is misunderstanding the problem. He just misses his mom, and the good times you used to have. A daughter would feel the same "jealousy" so it has nothing to do with "another man" and everything to do with the loneliness of a child. Please, please don't start down this train of thought, pitting a child against an adult in a "competition" for love. It is destructive to all involved.
It also concerns me that you want to protect your husband's feelings by not openly discussing the situation here - you and your husband are both adults, you son is just a child. It doesn't matter what your husband thinks of your son, your husband needs to help him feel comfortable and happy - that is part of the adult responsibility of being a step-parent. If he can't do that you really should make sure you spend time with your son alone. Your son needs to know his mom loves him at least.
I am really sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but I have personally lived through many situations similar to this in various roles, and it seems it always the children who come out worse. Make time for your boy, talk to him. And listen. He doesn't want to lose you. Good luck Zellbeelee!

[englishteacher]

good luck Zellbeelee - please let us know how it works out...

[Kashia]

In retrospect, having had "other man" in my life after I divorced and seeing how it all played out with my two sons...I would do it again differently and not re-marry until my boys were grown. But you are already remarried. So..now just spending a lot of special time with your son will help. And I would wonder all of the issues regarding this dislike...your now husband is the adult here. Maybe some family counseling would help. I personally would not
put now husband before son and I would expect him to love my son. I think there are so many complexities in these situations is why I say in retrospect, I would just wait until children are grown to bring another person into our home. Good luck!

[Perna]

I think it is hard that it is a holiday weekend. Did you have rituals you did during Easter when you were with your ex-husband? How long have you been remarried/seeing your new husband?

I am both a stepchild and stepmother and the "time alone" idea is very good. When my youngest stepson would come over I usually tried to stay in the background and just support whatever my husband and his son were doing. Maybe you can plan a weekend with your husband's children at their mothers so your son has you all's exclusive attention and your husband is in the background with you in the foreground? We had activities just the three of us did (camping) that were special. I would try to do things with just my son and also with just my son and husband so my son can experience the man for himself and without the other children.

Hope you find a way to let your son know your husband is not the enemy. Good luck.

[lxegirl]

how long have you been married to his step dad? i have a stepdad and it took a while for me to like him and accept him and my mom, but i eventually did.

[jenkins09]

I went through this situation as a child and recently with my blended family. Its normal and if you allow your son to voice his feelings in a respectful way, I think it will work out. I would also look for him trying to manipulate you and his bio-dad into getting his way.

For me the most important thing was being listened to and having a voice in the family. My step son and I get along great, but it was rough in the beginning because he didnt want to share his mom. I think someone mentioned a date night, I think thats a great idea. Good luck.