[Rio_]

I've been with my boyfriend for a bit over six months now (knew him for a year before that), and part of me wants to tell him about my trichotillomania and the fact that I'm in therapy for it, but I'm scared. Other than therapists, I've never told anyone about it before - my parents know, but they're not particularly happy about it, and dad especially didn't react well to me being in therapy when I was younger so I haven't told them this time.

It feels wrong that I've been with him for this long and am still keeping what feels like a fairly big secret from him, but I don't know how he'll react and I'm worried that he'll see me as some sort of freak. Things are going very well between us and I don't want to mess this up - it's by far the best relationship I've ever been in - but it's come up in conversation that I've been going to the doctors fairly regularly (I haven't told him it's a psychologist I'm seeing there), and although I told him at the time that I didn't want to get into details because it would take a lot of explaining, and he said he understood, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I don't want him thinking I don't trust him, and it would also mean a lot to me if I told him and he took it well.

Any advice would be much appreciated!

[marjan]

I think this is very personal information and he might not need to know that at this stage of relationship.....it's been just 6 months....
I'm not familiar with your condition, but I think it's not something that would harm him (like STD)....
Personally....I would have waited till I'm sure in my relationship and then I will tell....and if he's the one, he would accept your condition....
don't worry too much about it and stay cool about it....enjoy your relationship

[meApe]

It has been six months. If you are at the point were you share some of the most intimate details of you life, maybe. For most people six months might be a bit early. I can't say definitely for you but I believe that six months is a little early.

[slowinmi]

I agree with the others - if it were me in this situation, I would not tell him. I would worry that if we broke up, that he would tell others about my situation.

Give it some more time. You'll know when the right time comes along.

[Rio_]

Originally Posted by marjan

I think this is very personal information and he might not need to know that at this stage of relationship.....it's been just 6 months....
I'm not familiar with your condition, but I think it's not something that would harm him (like STD)....
Personally....I would have waited till I'm sure in my relationship and then I will tell....and if he's the one, he would accept your condition....
don't worry too much about it and stay cool about it....enjoy your relationship

Thanks, marjan. You're right that this is personal information, and unlike a condition like depression trichotillomania (compulsive hair-pulling) is something that few people have heard of so it would take a lot of explaining. He can be a bit "logical" about solving problems sometimes, which is not normally a bad thing but I would hate for him to react like my dad and tell me that if I don't like doing it then I should just stop - it's not that simple!

On the other hand, though, he has a cousin with ADHD and a celebrity he's a huge fan of is bipolar, so he's not completely unfamiliar with mental health issues. Also, he's already trusted me with a pretty big piece of information relating to his dad and his family, although this has meant that he's got quite a lot to worry about himself at the moment.

I don't know...this is where a crystal ball and/or the ability to read minds would come in very handy.

[Rio_]

Originally Posted by meApe

It has been six months. If you are at the point were you share some of the most intimate details of you life, maybe. For most people six months might be a bit early. I can't say definitely for you but I believe that six months is a little early.

Thanks, meApe. It's a bit hard to tell whether he's been sharing the most intimate details of his life - again, somewhere where reading minds might be useful. He has shared something with me that I don't think he's told anyone else, though - and has asked me not to share it with anyone either - so that could count. I have friends whom I've known for years and I would never consider telling them about this because I just don't think they'd "get it", but as bad as it sounds I feel closer to him than I do to any of them, so I'd like to think that he'd be different...

[Rio_]

Originally Posted by slowinmi

I agree with the others - if it were me in this situation, I would not tell him. I would worry that if we broke up, that he would tell others about my situation.

Give it some more time. You'll know when the right time comes along.

Thanks, slowinmi. Hadn't thought about that. We don't have many friends in common - we're on different courses, in different years, and he's about to graduate - but there's always Facebook...

Thanks, I hope so. I wish he could just know and be ok with it without me having to tell him.

[Typo]

I would tell him, to me 6 months is a long time to be with someone (course I also have a fear of comittment) but I was very honest and open with my current partner who I have been with for over a year now, at the three month mark I couldn't handle not being open with him and told him I was in therapy for bipolar disorder, PTSD, and that I was an abuse survivor, he has been nothing but supportive and was a huge supporter for me to get back into therapy when I quit for a few months. It's a huge relief off of me to know he knows and it isn't a secret.

If he can't accpet it now, is he going to accept it later? If he isn't willing to be supportive, or try to be understanding of your condition, then he isn't someone that is going to make a good partner. If he is willing to open up to you with information, I'm sure he is more than willing to accpet what you have to say.

Best wishes Rio, in the end you have to decide what is best for you and your boyfriend, I hope all goes well

(((((((((((Rio)))))))))))

wishing you peace and serenity
Typo

[Perna]

What he has shared with you and asked you not to share you could use as a way in to tell him about your problem. "You know how you told me X and asked me not to tell? I have something I'd like you to know about that makes me uneasy and for which I'm seeing the doctor all the time, as you've noticed." Just doing the set-up and pausing will tell you a bit about how he might take it? If it looks bad or it is too difficult for you to go on, just continue with "It is too hard for me to share with you right now. . ."

When I get cornered about something that embarrasses me, I say "to heck with it" and "give up". At Uni my dorm was an all-girls dorm and had a Secret Santa thing around Christmas and we exchanged small gifts during the week with clues and then the big gift on the party night and revealed ourselves. The person who had my name happened to be my next door neighbor, who lived in a singleton, her own room, no roomies. She gave me a great bra and pantie set and I immediately put them on and went over, knocked on her door and went in to show her. She wasn't in her room but her boyfriend was :-) Oops! LOL. What can I do? I reframed it; fortunately the knickers were patterned and like a two-piece bathing suit so I went ahead; I have three brothers, had had boy friends, knew her boyfriend wasn't seeing a girl in her knickers for the first time, etc. so I modeled them sweetly for him, turning around and acting like I was on the catwalk :-) Victoria's Secret would have been proud.

Do the same. What is trichotillomania about? Hair. So? So you pull your hair out, tweezer your hair out, have bald patches. Unpleasant, compulsive, habit. But it's just hair! A lot of the bad feelings are yours rather than other people's. Someone who doesn't have any vices/bad habits and is uncouth might make fun or be repelled, but not someone who likes you and has been getting to know you for six months. He may already suspect? One can't hide things forever.

[deliquesce]

rio, i read somewhere that the 3 month mark is when people start thinking 'do i have the potential for a long term relationship with this person'. not necessarily "i want to be with this person forever", but by 3 months you can know that there's something interesting enough to keep you two together a bit more, and the relationship becomes a bit deeper and more intimate.

i would actually tell. i understand trich can be a difficult subject to bring up, but maybe you can talk about your feelings around it first? e.g., sometimes i get very stressed/angry/sad (whatever it is for you?) and i do some stuff that i'm (insert your feelings - ashamed? scared?) to tell you about. and see how he goes from there?

i think you might also need to be prepared to educate him, and feel ok enough if he has a bad response (e.g., just stop!!). it's not because he wants to control you, probably that he doesn't understand enough about trich just yet to fully appreciate your problem.

you mentioned you see a T - have you spoken about this with them? your T might have some ideas on how to bring this up, or discuss any problems you migth foresee?

i think the fact that your boyfriend has told you intimate stuff about him means he also sees your relationship as deepening and strengthening. the article i mentioned earlier said something about how even if your boyfriend decided it was too much to deal with, that the 3 month (or 6 month!) mark is still ok enough to take a step back and just be really great friends, whereas if you leave it until you've been together a year they might feel really upset/confused about why you didnt trust them earlier, or some people even think you deceived them.

my gut instinct is to tell you to go for it, especially since you were thinking about it yourself, and you've known this guy for 1.5yrs already. it's not like he's some random you know nothing about, you already have a history together. just be prepared to give him a bit of time to digest it all, and maybe even tell him a website or two he could visit to learn more and process it himself?

let us know what you decide, and good luck whatever you choose!!

[Rio_]

Originally Posted by Typo

I would tell him, to me 6 months is a long time to be with someone (course I also have a fear of comittment) but I was very honest and open with my current partner who I have been with for over a year now, at the three month mark I couldn't handle not being open with him and told him I was in therapy for bipolar disorder, PTSD, and that I was an abuse survivor, he has been nothing but supportive and was a huge supporter for me to get back into therapy when I quit for a few months. It's a huge relief off of me to know he knows and it isn't a secret.

If he can't accpet it now, is he going to accept it later? If he isn't willing to be supportive, or try to be understanding of your condition, then he isn't someone that is going to make a good partner. If he is willing to open up to you with information, I'm sure he is more than willing to accpet what you have to say.

Best wishes Rio, in the end you have to decide what is best for you and your boyfriend, I hope all goes well

(((((((((((Rio)))))))))))

wishing you peace and serenity
Typo

Thanks, Typo. I told him online last night, and he took it brilliantly! Told me I needn't have worried and just seemed to treat it like any other medical condition - I also told him how my parents hadn't taken it well the last time when I was in therapy so I hadn't told them this time, and he offered to be my excuse for going out if I needed it. You're right, it is a huge relief! Thanks again.

[Rio_]

Originally Posted by Perna

What he has shared with you and asked you not to share you could use as a way in to tell him about your problem. "You know how you told me X and asked me not to tell? I have something I'd like you to know about that makes me uneasy and for which I'm seeing the doctor all the time, as you've noticed." Just doing the set-up and pausing will tell you a bit about how he might take it? If it looks bad or it is too difficult for you to go on, just continue with "It is too hard for me to share with you right now. . ."

When I get cornered about something that embarrasses me, I say "to heck with it" and "give up". At Uni my dorm was an all-girls dorm and had a Secret Santa thing around Christmas and we exchanged small gifts during the week with clues and then the big gift on the party night and revealed ourselves. The person who had my name happened to be my next door neighbor, who lived in a singleton, her own room, no roomies. She gave me a great bra and pantie set and I immediately put them on and went over, knocked on her door and went in to show her. She wasn't in her room but her boyfriend was :-) Oops! LOL. What can I do? I reframed it; fortunately the knickers were patterned and like a two-piece bathing suit so I went ahead; I have three brothers, had had boy friends, knew her boyfriend wasn't seeing a girl in her knickers for the first time, etc. so I modeled them sweetly for him, turning around and acting like I was on the catwalk :-) Victoria's Secret would have been proud.

Do the same. What is trichotillomania about? Hair. So? So you pull your hair out, tweezer your hair out, have bald patches. Unpleasant, compulsive, habit. But it's just hair! A lot of the bad feelings are yours rather than other people's. Someone who doesn't have any vices/bad habits and is uncouth might make fun or be repelled, but not someone who likes you and has been getting to know you for six months. He may already suspect? One can't hide things forever.

Thanks, Perna. I chickened out a bit and told him online so I wouldn't have to see his reaction - don't think I could have done it otherwise. Wow, that sounds awkward, good way to handle it! I don't have any bald patches, fortunately (I have thick hair, so it would take a lot for that to happen), so I don't know if he suspected beforehand or not - when I'm around him is one of the few times I rarely, if ever, get the urge to pull. He didn't seem shocked or anything, though - said it sounded similar to his brother grinding his teeth.

[Rio_]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

rio, i read somewhere that the 3 month mark is when people start thinking 'do i have the potential for a long term relationship with this person'. not necessarily "i want to be with this person forever", but by 3 months you can know that there's something interesting enough to keep you two together a bit more, and the relationship becomes a bit deeper and more intimate.

i would actually tell. i understand trich can be a difficult subject to bring up, but maybe you can talk about your feelings around it first? e.g., sometimes i get very stressed/angry/sad (whatever it is for you?) and i do some stuff that i'm (insert your feelings - ashamed? scared?) to tell you about. and see how he goes from there?

i think you might also need to be prepared to educate him, and feel ok enough if he has a bad response (e.g., just stop!!). it's not because he wants to control you, probably that he doesn't understand enough about trich just yet to fully appreciate your problem.

you mentioned you see a T - have you spoken about this with them? your T might have some ideas on how to bring this up, or discuss any problems you migth foresee?

i think the fact that your boyfriend has told you intimate stuff about him means he also sees your relationship as deepening and strengthening. the article i mentioned earlier said something about how even if your boyfriend decided it was too much to deal with, that the 3 month (or 6 month!) mark is still ok enough to take a step back and just be really great friends, whereas if you leave it until you've been together a year they might feel really upset/confused about why you didnt trust them earlier, or some people even think you deceived them.

my gut instinct is to tell you to go for it, especially since you were thinking about it yourself, and you've known this guy for 1.5yrs already. it's not like he's some random you know nothing about, you already have a history together. just be prepared to give him a bit of time to digest it all, and maybe even tell him a website or two he could visit to learn more and process it himself?

let us know what you decide, and good luck whatever you choose!!

Thanks, deliquesce. That sounds about right - also, this relationship means a lot to both of us because it's the first proper one that either of us has been in. It's felt like a long-term thing for a while now, we're even planning a couple of short trips away this summer.

It was difficult to bring up, and there's no way I could have done it in person, but he took it really well! I think he might have been Googling it while he was talking to me, actually. If it comes up again I might point him to a website, but I don't really want to make a bigger deal out of it than I already have...

I haven't spoken about it with my therapist, possibly should have but it felt like I could barely get a word in edgeways in my last session. I saw a counsellor last semester and I did mention to her that he was the only person I could see myself telling everything to (and this was before we were even going out!), but it was never fully discussed.

That's very true - it means a lot to me that he could trust me with something that's obviously been worrying him and is likely to lead to fairly significant changes in his life over the next few weeks and months. I agree that it would only have got harder to tell him the longer I left it, certainly wouldn't want him to think that I don't trust him or anything.

Thanks again. I haven't spoken to him yet today - won't be able to actually see him until after my exam on Thursday - but I'm hoping he's still ok about it, should find out tonight if I catch him online again.

Now that he knows, less tress does not mean more stress.

Good luck.

[Rio_]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Now that he knows, less tress does not mean more stress.

Good luck.

Thanks, TheByzantine. It's actually been almost a week since I last pulled my hair out, now - I'm hoping I can keep this up!