Addicted to Technology?

So I have noticed (as I'm sure you guys have too with me posting about it) that my bf has changed quite a bit lately. Has become more aggressive, flips out a lot more and just seems distant. Well today I finally confronted him and think I had a revelation as I was kind of bawling my eyes out.

He comes home and does 1 of 3 things: turns on video games, turns on his laptop or turns on his iPod.

He even brings his iPod into bed and sits there looking at friggen Twitter and then I get maybe 5 minutes of time with him before he is passed out. Then I'm the one wanting more romance and communication. So I just feel completely ignored. If he is watching TV and I try to say anything to him I am completely ignored. But if I'm doing something and he wants to talk, I better drop whatever I am doing and pay him some attention.

Well I think he figured it out. I told him I was going to 'office space' his iPod and that I hope Twitter gets blown up and never operates again. I told him that his PS3 is stupid, his HD DirecTV is stupid, his laptop is stupid. And that its pretty much total bull that I come second to everything.

I really think that his recent obsession with all this crap has just made him distant and aggressive. Now I don't really know anything about addiction to technology but I'm assuming it can have the same affects as being addicted to other things. Like if you take my cigarettes away I will probably bite your head off. And if an alcoholic doesn't have a drink by a certain time, they can get very aggressive and mean.

Could this be causing this? I mean he seriously does not get off of electronics until bedtime. Then comes to me expecting to be in the mood when he has been ignoring me all night to play COD online with his friends. And it really does feel like all this stuff is a drug for him. If we are on a long car ride and he goes for several hours without this stuff, it takes absolutely nothing and he is screaming and cussing.

I never really bought into people literally being addicted to technology but at any given time, he will have the TV on watching a baseball game, with his MLB app open on his iPod while surfing on his laptop and texting. He absolutely surrounds himself with it. We just went to a baseball game and while we are sitting in the stands watching it, he has his MLB app open on his iPod! Are you kidding?! We can't even go camping - the whole point being to be in nature AWAY from all this stuff - without him running around searching for a signal.

I just don't get it. Does any of that make sense?

Wish I knew the answer. You are not alone. Sounds like my life. Mine cheated on me and blamed me for never being home. Which was true but I was busy earning money to support his lifestyle, God knows I wasn't home enough to spend money. I quit that job and got another one with less hours and less pay. He still has no time for me and complains about money. Go to court for bankruptcy on June 1st.

Whether or not he is addicted, his actions are causing problems in the relationship.

Saluki, what if he's using the technology as a buffer? Something between the two of you so he doesn't have to communicate with you?

I could see that. But I dont get why. I dont know how many times I have told him that just because his ex was a total *****, thats no reason for him to get defensive with me automatically. And this morning it happened again. He went to the gym first thing and when he got home he hadnt been on the internet or anything and automatically had a nasty look on his face so I just left and went to campus.

I told him in a letter I wrote (because whenever I start talking about relationship problems I start having a panic attack so I wrote a letter instead) that if something doesnt change Im not going to be around much longer. At first he was really mad and upset and defensive. Then after I gave him examples of how I always come second he LOOKED sincere. Whether he was or not I cant tell.

So then I looked up some stuff on addiction to technology and the big things were getting irritable if he doesnt have it (which he does), if he hides it (I catch him secretly looking at his iPod then hiding it once he notices Im looking) and having it affect your relationships (which obviously it is).

What Im afraid of is that we are going to move together, nothing will change and then he will be in a totally different state with no where to go and I wont be able to stand it anymore. That is exactly what happened when my ex followed me to college and I ended up being the bad guy because he had to move back to Ohio with his parents.

One has to learn how to be in a relationship and that's not easy? Doesn't sound like your bf is doing too well in that course, because it's not something he's use to.

A lot of the complaints I made to my T about my bf, my now-husband, she'd respond, "And how long have you known him; and how long did his mother have him? (and he'd been married before, so his ex-wife had had a an eighteen year influence on him too!). It takes time to learn to relate to another person and/or for either party to "change". You know how long good therapy takes, why should other relationships happen faster?

Have you tried "rewarding" him for when he does pay attention to you? Being "comfortable" to be with and "safe" might make the difference where he'll choose you over "things"? My husband and I each spend a lot of time on the computer, television shows, reading, he naps for 2-3 hours in the middle of the day, etc. but we are also available at any time if the other wants us. We read something interesting/funny on the computer or books, see it on TV, we tell the other and the other appreciates it too. I don't watch the news, have little interest in that or financial material but that's what my husband likes/works with. So, I ask him "what have you learned this morning"? and he gives me a pleasant synopsis of what he's been doing on the computer that morning.

Maybe you can get minimally involved. Watch the baseball for a few moments curiously and ask a question? If it's about what he's interested in, he'll probably engage with you :-) and that's a start. That can be a positive interaction. No, you don't particularly care for all of baseball but the interaction might remind him or you of something else and the sharing might continue for a few more moments. Being truly curious about someone's behavior, as I hear you being in this post, is a good step. If we can learn to take ourselves away from the equation (not easy) and keep focused, with our curiosity on the other, the engagement can become enjoyable for both parties.

I agree with you Salukigirl - it sounds like he's addicted to technology. I also worry about kids today as well. My girls have a good gaming system, computer and toys but the youngest will say "I'm bored". I think a little boredom and just being still/quiet is okay to do once in a while - we're such an 'instant gratification' society. I kinda miss the days before there were cells phones and computers in every home.

All the things your BF is engaging in, are solitary activities, where he's withdrawing inward. He might not even realize, how it's turned into this nasty habit. Hopefully your letter will get through to him.

I think he should set some guidelines and use self discipline - cut out or cut down those technology vices. It would be great if there was a spa you both could go to -where you're not allowed to bring any of those things including TV. I wonder what he would do if he didn't have those things even TV? Another thing that really worries me are the Ipods - I think anyone who uses them on a regular basis is injuring their ears. Think of the average teenager - how many hours in their teenage life do they have their earphones on? Hearing loss is accumulative so they won't notice it right away. When they 40 up, they'll begin to notice they can't hear as well.

When you're both in a good mood, I would propose a challenge - one weekend with no technology vices. What would he do? How much of real life he missing out of, just vegetating? When you describe your evening, it strikes me - you're together but he's not really with you in spirit. Good luck and I hope he realizes this has reached the dysfunctional stage.

Thanks Lynn that's a good idea. He flips when the power goes out. I grew up on a farm so when the power goes out we just lit candles and talked or played games. He goes absolutely nuts without power. And I would think abt having an interest in his things but we so have the same interests. I love baseball and boxing and basketball. All sports. But if were watching a game together he would rather text someone to talk abt it than talk to me. I think he realizes that he is becoming solitary bc
all his friends are graduating and moving but he won't go out and make new ones. I just want him to not be such a hermit all the time.

Some people really do have issues with it. It's not even just kids, I've seen it in people over 30. Video games are addicting now more than ever now that they're so "interactive". When Nintendo came out in the 80's, you needed to invite a friend over your house to play. Now you can play games with someone on the other side of the planet. There's a website somewhere about people who have a problem with WoW.. (World Of Warcraft)..it's some kind of recovering addiction website..for a video game because those people sit there ALL day playing it.

I used to know this lady who ended up leaving her husband because he would come home from work at 4pm and gets on the computer until 1am playing war fighting games. They were in their mid 20's and had very young kids and he'd come home and yell at them, tell them to "go help mommy" "go see mommy" because they were interrupting his game. She put up with it for years and then the way he kept rejecting them because he had to "kill another guy" eventually got to her. She woudl take them to the park when he got home and then he'd be mad because she's never around..which meant not bringing him food and drinks. She tried talking to him to make him spend time as a family and his idea of that was downloading movies to watch with them.

use this as your wall paper and see if he gets the hint

Haha Yoda. You always have the best graphics