[PufNStuf]

Hello! I usually post in the BPD forum, but I really am concerned about this.

I had to stop hormonal birth control about a month ago. With Lamictal, my female system was not happy. Now everything is normal again.

BF is twice my age...and honestly, I cannot believe that some girl hasn't tried to get knocked up for a huge paycheck. It worries me because I really want kids with him for the right reasons. Thank god we can have fertility help if we need it down the road.

Anyway, barrier methods really irritate me. I'm just watching the calendar and trying to be careful. Anyway, I know this is sensitive stuff, but I'm just not sure who to talk to about it. You guys are so wonderful here.

He doesn't seem worried about taking the risk and says something like, "Well I'm counting on you to let me know" (about when I'm fertile and when I'm not). I keep very good track of it all, but there's 5 sets of fraternal twins in my family, which means that women on my side produce more than one egg a month. So, I sorta get the feeling that planning ovulations isn't really going to help me. I know I'm capable of conceiving (I did when I was 19. Terminated by hospital for risk to me). I don't know if he is.

I've looked into home analysis, but it really just gives you the count and nothing about motility, health, etc. I can't seem to convince him to go get a thourough check-out by a fertility doc. So I really don't know if he's infertile...I think so, but I'm not sure.

Maybe I'm worrying myself over nothing, but I dunno...everything else is fine if a baby were to come along. I have the time, resources and desire to be a Mom. I'm more worried that we're not ready as a couple (9 months into the relationship), and that everyone else would think I did it because he's wealthy. I'm hoping we'll get engaged in the winter - he's hinted of it. Silly thing to be worried about, huh.....?

Then again, who am I kidding...we need to get a move-on if we want to have kids (BF is 50 and I'm 26).

Thoughts appreciated.

[pegasus]

First of all make sure this is what you both want and are prepared for your life to change drastically.

Second, one of the big things for trying to get pregnant is to RELAX!

Good luck!

[PufNStuf]

Thanks Pegasus =) I think I should just get up the courage to really talk to him about it all. I think I was just hoping we could dance around it and talk about it, but not directly. That has ended up with me being anxious - I don't want to push anything, but he's not getting any younger (lol).

I guess I'm just not sure how to have the conversation - my anxiety about it really blocks what I would try to say. I'm a much better writer about this stuff, but BF prefers verbally communicating. I wonder if I could write a note to him about it and then he can respond verbally. I get all flustered about this topic.

Do you think it's fair to ask him: to tell me whether he's okay with avoiding ovulation week and taking the risk of pregnancy otherwise, or analysis? I think he gets flustered talking about it, too, but I feel sorta alone in trying to figure out what he thinks. I guess I'm afraid that if I ask so directly, he'll get spooked. I don't want to push - he's definitely Mr. Right for me....and I definitely think he's the happiest he's ever been. I am.

We talk about kids much more frequently now - in a roundabout way...in a "if that were my kid, I'd do such and such"....and he will say things that he wouldn't have said before, like, "Oh, such and such was saying how good with kids you are".

[perpetuallysad]

Well, is there a reason other than his age as to why you would think he's infertile? 50, especially for a man, is no where near infertility age. In fact, men can have kids pretty much forever.

I would absolutely, positively not rely on the rhythm method if you do not want to get pregnant. It is really not all that accurate and you can get pregnant even if your calculations are a day or 2 off, which can easily happen because of stress or whatever.

You also really just need to talk about it. If you guys are having sex, then it implies you are aware that a pregnancy can result (especially since you are both adults). If you are willing to take the risks, you really need to be willing to talk about them.

I got pregnant when I was using birth control from a guy that I just had a sort of "fling" relationship with. 10 years later I am stuck dealing with his deadbeat *** and I sincerely regret my flippancy on the subject of pregnancy. If you 2 haven't specifically made lifetime plans, I wouldn't just let myself become pregnant. Regardless of whether he has money or not, if you end up hating him in a few months, you are not going to be very happy to have to be dealing with him forever because you two had a child together.

I really am not trying to be hard on you, but I want you to think about what you are talking about. Sex without birth control in a fairly new relationship with no true level of commitment is not the best situation.

Good luck.

[PufNStuf]

I sent this to Perpetual in a PM because I was "ehhhh?" about posting it, but there's a physical abnormality that makes me think there's no way sperm can survive (testicles are virtually inside the body...I've been with plenty of guys and I've never seen anything like it). Asked if any Dr. had every said anything about it, and he said no. I dropped the subject.

I just don't see how he's never had one scare or accident in 35 years, 30 of which were unmarried. What do you all make of that?

ETA: I really appreciate Perpetual's POV. It's the responsible one...I'm definitely going to talk to him.

[Perna]

Both testicles are undescended? Then you are probably right, he probably cannot make sperm.

http://familydoctor.org/online/famdo...ctive/637.html

[lynn P.]

I'm surprised no doctor has recommended he have surgery to fix this problem - I think it's an easy surgery. If he wants a child, a doctor could test his sperm count and motility. Does he have kids from a previous marriage?

[PufNStuf]

I have no idea how a Dr. wouldn't have mentioned it....but he IS the sort that would say to a doc "You're skipping that part of my physical". I just can't seem him allowing a doc to grope there...he's totally, wonderfully ridiculous about tailoring the world to him, and not the other way around. =p He is used to being in charge and the biggest fish in his pond...know what I mean?

Lynn, no kids from previous marriage. I wouldn't be as worried =P

It's an easy surgery for kids...apparently it causes irreparable damage if not corrected in childhood....and I haven't been able to convince him to go get the analysis. I'll mention that in our little talk when he gets back in town....thanks =)

[perpetuallysad]

I really hope things work out alright.

[PufNStuf]

Okay, so I'm going to try and talk to him today...he should be home around lunch time...so this evening, I'll give it a go. =D I'm making a very nice dinner for him and I'll see if he wants to go for a walk/talk afterwards (I'll just say let's walk the dogs...hah).

I'm crossing my fingers he's in a talking/good mood tonight - I just want to go ahead and get it over with so I don't have to be anxious anymore AND I can update you guys for ideas/opinions.

Thanks for the support...it's such a difficult conversation for me to have. I think I'm going to make notes and prepare for it like a speech...I get all flustered. =P

Ah. Okay. Do you guys think I should write a letter to make sure I get everything out or should I just try to verbally communicate it? Guess i'd better make sure I'm not PufNStuf or I'll forget what I wanted to say! hah. =p

[perpetuallysad]

Well, I like letters, but my husband just doesn't respond to them. He will read them, but its sort of a terminal form of conversation for him. But, you could make a list of points, I do that for therapy.

I wish you good luck.

PufNStuf, good luck in sorting this out.

[PufNStuf]

Hi everyone,

Okay, so I did it. BF got home and we had some nice appetizers/wine. I led up to it with something like: well, whenever you get a chance, there is something I want to talk about...and he said now was a good time. He also told me he had done a lot of thinking about us while he was gone (just 2 days)...I said "Oh yeah?" and he said "Yeah" with a smile. I didn't press. It seemed to be positive.

So I launched into it. He said that he wants to have all genetic testing done (I agree with that) and he also agreed to see the specialist - I'm pretty impressed. He did get a little weirded out, but not as much as I thought. I told him I just didn't want to feel like it would be "my" fault if pregnancy occurred with the rhythm method...he said he's obviously taking that risk if we're relying on that method. Said he was giving his consent by doing it....and while I knew that, I just wanted to talk about it.

So he asked what type of doc he needs to see...and said that if he had to go in a room with a cup, I was coming with. I told him I would gladly, AND I'll totally embarrass myself for him (fun outfit or something...it's the least I can do!) He said next year would be a good time to try for kids. (because I brought up that there may be some problems and if there are problems, it might take many years - I'd like to know now...this paranoia may all be for naught.)

Anyway, he was a lot more receptive than I imagined he would be...not that I got much resolution except he's aware of the risks and said he'll go ahead and go to the dr. In the meantime, withdrawal (and I voiced my concerns about that too...I got pregnant that way when I was 19 from doing that....).

So, that's that. I sorta got my answers, but it's sorta what I already thought.

Oy! =P I am happy we talked about it. I told him afterward that it was uncomfortable for me...and that if I didn't care enough, I wouldn't have bothered having the convo. He seemed to understand.

Sorry if that doesn't make a lot of sense...I'm trying to remember everything from the convo. I don't think I did that great of a job with the convo, but I tried.

(At first, I did get the "Can you not have these conversations before (what's going on this weekend), please? You know I need my head clear." and I was thinking "there's always a (thing) going on!". (Meaning, there's never a good time to talk about it) So I dropped it...and maybe because I did, he went ahead and opened the can of worms. Hopefully he understood how anxious it was making me (even in daily choices...I didn't know I was pregnant before until 2 months in. Had period and everything.)

So I got all of the barriers I expected, but by not pushing, he did talk about it. So that's good.

Ugh. I guess that conversation got to him...woke up just now to find him on the FLOOR of the kitchen...totally passed out. I've never seen him do that...not even in Vegas. I guess it rattled him and he kept pounding back the beer. Now I'm sitting up listening to him breathe and cough to make sure he is okay....I would be horrified, except this hasn't ever happened and it was actually kind of funny. I've totally curled up on the floor before =p

Only 3 more hours until daylight and a very long day of packing for this weekend. Wish I could sleep. He's going to be hurting tomorrow...and prob. really grumpy and hungover, so I guess I'd better savor this feeling for a couple of hours.

[perpetuallysad]

PufnStuf, I'm so glad that he was receptive to your conversation. Hopefully you can go to the Dr and find out exactly what's going on. I'm sure that will put your mind at ease to know one way or the other. And if for some reason he can't father children, it doesn't mean you couldn't adopt kids. Good luck, once again.

[PufNStuf]

Everyone,

I really appreciate your support through this! Perpetual - thanks for really being super-supportive. I'm guessing it will take a while before he'll go to the Dr. I'm going to go ahead and research everything so he won't have to. I'll do that next week and just email it to him...so he can decide when he wants to do it. I'm sure he won't enjoy writing that check, but I think it's important, and I hope he does too.

[sugahorse1]

Yay - glad the conversation went well! I guess that topic is NEVER easy to bring up. I've been with my bf for 5 years, and no real talk of marriage, even though we kind of live like we're life partners anyway. He has 2 kids - one out of wedlock and one from his ex-wife. I've hinted I'd like a child with him and he's skirted the subject, but not rejected. I'm on birth control, and hoping that's enough for me not to fall pregnant until we both decide now's the time.

Well done, PufNStuf.

[gean01]

just believe in yourself and no matter what, stay calm and keep the atmosphere romantic and nice , this will create a good venue for a nice chat with him,