[Elysium]

This last week, I looked up an old friend on FB and actually found her.

We started out, in 1998, as friends working at the same place, and one night she needed a ride home. She was married with an 18 month old daughter and their car wouldn't start, so I drover her home. From there on out, we were best buds. Our boss called us the bobsy-twins.

Over time, we became quite close and she would spend more time with me, as her husband was emotionally and physically abusive to her. Over the next three years, her and I became quite co-dependent with one another. I fell in love with her...I fell in love with her little girl, and I was helping her through a bitter divorce and helping her get on her feet financially to support her child. Once her and her husband were divorced, her and I were going to move in together and get our own place. By this time, we were already romantically involved.

Three weeks after we moved in together, and after the divorce had gone through, she found out that she was pregnant. I promised to help her through it and told her I'd be there for her and her kids. I was happy. I felt like I had my own family and they meant the world to me. A few weeks later, I found out that she had been allowing her abusive ex to come over to our place and hang out when I wasn't home. I put my foot down on that and she said she'd stop it...but she didn't and I held my ground. I moved back home....and soon, her ex was living there with her.

This went on for about a year. I was still there...I still loved her and I still loved her daughter. I helped her through the pregnancy and her ex was even treating her well because he new I was watching all the time. When she went into labor, I was there with her...so was her ex, but I got to help her deliver, and when it came time to helping her breast feed the first time, it was me who held her son to her, as she was so exhausted she could barely keep her eyes open. It was a beautiful time for me. I felt like a real Mother.

Over the course of the next year and a half, her life started to fall apart. She was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder and she couldn't keep a place for her and her kids to live. I tried to help, but was noticing that the people she was turning to for help were all people that were not good for her. She started hanging around people who were into drugs. She started dealing drugs. Eventually her Husband took her kids and moved across the Country to start a new life. Which now I know was the best thing that could have happened to those kids. They are doing well and succeeding in their kid lives.

Anyway...I eventually had to move on from her...I loved her and wanted to be with her...but she didn't love herself enough to work on getting herself better. So I let her go. I would occasionally check in with her to see how her life was going, but I only did this a couple times before I couldn't stand to see it anymore. The last time I saw her, she was homeless, living in a shelter and trying to shack up with this guy who was going to let her live with him if she'd provide sexual favors. I moved on...it was really difficult and my heart was broken, but I knew I couldn't save someone who clearly wasn't ready to let themselves be saved.

So last week I looked her up. I didn't think I'd find her; after all, it had been about six years since we had any contact at all. I had moved about 10 times since then and I really had no clue where she was. But there she was, with a FB acct. I sent her a FB message....10 minutes later we were talking with each other on the phone, catching up.

Yesterday I drove down to see her. It's only about an hour drive from where I am. It was good to see her. I was excited, but terrified. Here's this woman, whom I love and I thought she was gone forever. Now she's had six years to get herself in a better place...and I was already thinking...maybe...if she's better...? So we spent the afternoon together and we went out to dinner. We had a good time. She asked me if I wanted to spend the night. My heart fluttered like a hummingbird on crack!! I was soooo scared. I wanted to say yes, but I had stuff I needed to do at home and I knew I had to be careful and take care of myself for my own sake. So I said No.

Twenty minutes later I was driving home...with her sitting next to me. She stayed the night at my place. I don't know why...that just felt safer for me. Well...nothing sexual happened at all. Which is just fine with me because there is a lot that would need to happen in our relationship before we got back there and I was really forcing myself to do good self care...and going from "I haven't seen you in years" to "Wow...was it good for you" just didn't seem like the proper thing.

I just took her home a couple of hours ago and I've been really torn about hers and my relationship over the last week and where I would like to see it go.

Some of the issues I'm looking at....

A) I am finally starting to focus on my own self care and getting my self stable. To add a relationship with her into this mix, with our history of being so co-dependent on each other, might not be the best thing for me at this time.

B) She is finally in a place in her life where she is in her own apartment, and she is learning how to care for herself and be self sufficient. I wouldn't want to derail any of her progress, because it's not an easy thing to accomplish.

But even though she's in her own place....a lot hasn't changed for her. She told me about a lot of her friends that she has, and how lucky she is to have them, which is true...we're all lucky to have good friends...but, these people that she hangs with do drugs....they're into meth, or weed, and she has been sexually involved with almost all of them. She has told me about past partners who have told her that they had STD's, and I keep thinking....for all the ways she's improved her life....she really hasn't. She is still surrounding herself with people who are not good for her, and who don't have her best interest or even their own best interest at heart. She is hanging out with some really dangerous people. People who have felony warrants out for their arrest, who use drugs and sex and in this respect I have to say that she is not able to keep herself safe and protected. If she were able to keep herself safe, she wouldn't be surrounding herself with all these unhealthy people.

I guess I just needed a place to put all this. I keep thinking I can rescue her....I want her in my life...but I don't want her in my life the way she is with all of these friends who do drugs and other stuff. I want to be able to take her away from that and show her a better life. Get her some medical insurance and get her teeth fixed...get her health in order and then maybe start a family later on. But this is just insane thinking right? I know I can't be her hero without sacrificing myself in the relationship and I just can't do that anymore.

Why did I do this to myself? Why did I look her up? I am longing for someone to care about, and for someone to care about me...and she accepts me for who I am...and loves me for who I am and that feels nice. But isn't it too high a price to pay for that? I mean...I think I'd be really stupid to get involved with her again and it would totally be self-sabotage to do this to myself. I just want to have someone in my life so bad.

Why is it this way? Why won't she just leave the nasty life behind and open her heart and mind to the healthy life? She has to want it...I can't do it for her. Why can't she want it....for me....for us.

Why did I do this to myself?

[fadedspirit]

Elysium, please don't beat yourself up about this. We know it's easier said than done. You still love and care about this person. When we love and care about someone, no matter how long we've been away, we just want to know that the other person is doing better for themself and sometimes in that other person we can find a minute of solace in our own life.

You wanted to believe and hoped that she would have changed for the better. You had to see for yourself and you did so because you care above all else. Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is care enough for our loved ones to let them go. We can lie to ourself all we wish, but in the end, everything we do in life is a personal decision, no matter what it is we choose to do. We see your act as very strong, caring, and courageous. Not everyone has the heart that you posess to do that.
*safe hugs and hoping you feel better*

[Perna]

Sometimes the rescue fantasies can derail us. It doesn't sound like, at this time, she can be your equal. Go with your heart and the recent information you have found. So far, it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job thinking things through and taking care of yourself.

[marjan]

we all want to rescue the ones that we love....but sometimes it's not possible if they are not willing to get the help....
Don't be harsh on yourself....I wish you were not looking for her at all....Just protect yourself and don't go after her.....and be very careful to not get any kinds of STDs....
with love
marjan

Toxic love.

[Miracle1986]

(((Elysium)))