[Yoda]

This Sunday my grandmother will be celebrating her 94th birthday. She has Alzheimers and no longer know who her family is. She has to stay with her children for the past several years and Sunday they will be taking her to her home for the day and her kids and grandkids can come celebrate her birthday there.

I would like to go but a couple of problems. She lives "up a crick" literally. No way my Audi can drive through the rocks and water in the creek. One of my sisters and my mom want to go but my youngest sister does not want to go because she is a B---- and she hates everybody in the family and doesn't want to be around them. Just as well but she is refusing to even drive my mom and sister there and it is only a half mile. Neither mom nor other sis drive or have a car. I asked how they were going to get there and they said perhaps Aunt B might take them or perhaps Uncle E (my abuser).

I have an aunt and uncle that live a few hundred miles from here and my aunt's health is declining so there may not be many opportunities left to see her. I really don't care to see anyone else in the family except for two aunts that live locally that I can visit at a different time. I told my mom at Easter that I am done pretending that nothing ever happened and I don't want to be around my abuser again. She said, oh, were you serious when you said that, I thought you were making a joke. Plus she doesn't recall the conversation we had in 2000 when she found out and she then accused my dad of being the abuser and said I was confused so really I don't know what she thinks happened but I am sick of the sh$t and if she really wants to know what happened she can ask him.

So this is the dilemma. Should I contact my Aunt and Uncle while they are in and ask to meet them for breakfast or something when my abuser won't be around? I feel that I should explain why I don't want to be around him and I think perhaps it is for the best if more people know the truth but I am not sure. I am angry at my abuser and at my mom for not believing me so perhaps a decision made in anger is not best. That is why I am posting here to get feedback before I decide what to do.

You must choose what is right for you. One caveat, what if your aunt and uncle do not believe you either?

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

You must choose what is right for you. One caveat, what if your aunt and uncle do not believe you either?

hmmmm now that thought hadn't even crossed my mind. Not sure what I would say. I'll have to think on that for a bit.

[REEG]

Yoda, thanks for the post! I can relate as I have been setting more limits over the years with my abuser, and because of the family enmeshment not seeing her also means not seeing my grandfather who is now 96. It's hard because my mom passed away when I was 20, and up until the last few years, it's been my role to take care of them for her.
One thing my T reminds me that is helpful- I can set limits without getting into great detail with family. Maybe your situation is different, but I feel complelled to 'thouroughly explain' my actions, when often a simple "I don't want to see X anymore, I get too upset when I do" often will suffice.
Byz is right, only you can decide the best way to handle it- sometimes I find it helfpul to journal or mentally rehearse a few scenarios before I settle on one.
Good luck- keep us posted!

[lynn P.]

I think you should make plans to go separately when your abuser isn't there. If you chose to explain why, it's up to you. Personally I would tell them and be prepared in your mind, just in case it's not positive. Maybe if all the relatives know, he won't get invited to these events in the future. BTW it doesn't matter who believes you - you know the truth -that's all that matters.

I'd say visit with them separatley without explanation. Blow it off as family drama not worth getting into if they ask.

How are you doing, Yoda?