It's been established that hubby, not having a mental affliction of his own (or at least being able to bury what he does have) cannot understand the "illness" aspect of my depression. I used a medication commercial as a springboard for an explanation and told him that my brain absorbs seratonin and/or norepinephrine too quickly, and my medication stops that from happening. When I am depleted of those chemicals, my brain isn't working right.

He still didn't get it. "But you're a very intelligent woman. How can your brain not be working right?"

Nothing to do with intelligence, I explain. It's a different function of the brain. Further discussion led to pointing out that if he ever fears I actually will harm myself, he should call 911.

Still no light bulb. "Just don't get like that."

*facepalm* We're at a stalemate. What can I do now?

[NuckingFutz]

Lots of ways to approach this. Maybe go over some websites with him. Or have him go with you to your next appointment with your pdoc and have your pdoc explain it to him. In my case my sister did not understand my depression on being hospitalized. Could talk to her until I was blue in the face. After 20 years in abusive marriage, she madd a cry for help attempt on her own life. Now she understands. Maybe this is an illness you have to go through to truely understand. But I do not think that someone has to understand it in order to be supportive to help you.

All I really need him to understand is that depression is an illness, not just me being in a bad mood. But even this, he doesn't seem to grasp.

If it were as simple as "just don't get like that," then would he really think I would CHOOSE to "get like that" in the first place?

[NuckingFutz]

Maybe use a comparison. Say like breathing tell him you have no way to tell your brain to stop breathing than you do over the chemicals that effect your mood. Maybe you can get your pdoc to explain it to him?

Would your husband be willing to listen to a 52 minute lecture by a Stanford professor on depression: http://www.insomniasymptoms.net/slee...s-full-lecture

Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky, posits that depression is the most damaging disease that you can experience. Right now it is the number four cause of disability in the US and it is becoming more common. Sapolsky states that depression is as real of a biological disease as is diabetes

[CindyLuWho]

How about next time he gets upset or angry you say, "Well, just don't be like that." It's at least possible for him to control his empotions (although it is difficult). Then explain, that you don't have that option.

I really think sometimes that you can't understand it until you've been through it. I explained it as if it was diabetes. It's not something I can change. It's a lifelong illness I can treat.

Hubby and I had a very productive conversation the other night. Right after a steak-and-baked-potato supper, so I think he was feeling pretty good.

He can understand the difference between intellectual knowledge of something, and *feeling* it. For example, when I have to go to the hospital, although his brain knows this isn't the case, his heart is feeling, "Why are you running away from the problem? I don't want to handle everything by myself." I know he realizes, in his head, that I'm not going away on a vacation to a resort. But emotionally he feels abandoned and resentful, like I'm skipping out on him when the going gets rough. And then he has to pay the hospital bill on top of that. I asked him, "Do you realize how much mental torture I'm in, at the time I'm admitted to a hospital?" He didn't, but I think he does now.

I compared things to being drunk. I explained that there are different parts of a brain, with different functions, that intelligence has nothing to do with it, and sometimes certain parts of a brain just stop working right. For example, lizards have only very basic and rudimentary brain functions. They tell a lizard to eat, sleep, relieve itself, procreate, fight for its survival, etc. A lizard cannot socialize, think creatively, reason, and come up with new ideas like humans do. And when humans get drunk, it's been called "going back into lizard-brain." All but those same parts that function in a lizard, pretty much shut down when someone is intoxicated. That's because the chemicals in the alcohol interfere with the chemicals in the brain.

So far so good. He's understanding.

And then I delivered the big one: That with a mental illness, those brain chemicals are messed up even without the alcohol.

Ding!

Our discussion also included the difference between a situational and a biochemical depression. If someone were to die, and for months afterward I didn't eat, didn't sleep, cried constantly, and could only talk about wanting to go and be with the loved one I'd lost, this would be a situational depression. But I can be depressed even without having something bad happening. That's a biochemical depression. It happens all by itself, no catalyst.

More light coming on. He's starting to understand.

Hubby has never met anyone besides me who has ever been hospitalized for psychiatric reasons, while I can name several just in my own family. Telling him that, opened his eyes to the possibility of a genetic predisposition.

One good thing has come. When he refuses sometimes to take me to emergency counseling *right away* during a crisis, it teaches me that I *can* get through it, I *can* wait until, say, he has something to eat, and I *won't* go crazy in the next few hours.

[Yoda]

sounds like progress. good for you

[sunrise]

Way to stick with it with your H! I know it can be tempting to just give up but you kept trying to find a way he would understand. That's part of a good relationship.

I am glad you are making progress, LovebirdsFlying.

I tried to get my sibs to watch Sapolsky's lecture. Those who did now have a much better understanding of the illness.

Continued success.

Thanks for all the support, everyone. Hubby and I note that in the past 3 years, since I've been with him, my symptoms have improved but not entirely gone away. This is because the stress factor has lessened, leaving only the biochemical factor.

I am glad you are getting better.

As of last night, I seem to be slipping into a depression. Nothing triggered it, that I can think of. There are physical symptoms involved. Mostly body aches and pains. Usually, and it is the case this time too, when I have a depression I have the physical sensation of pressure on my chest. Last night I described it to hubby as feeling like all three of the cats are sitting on my chest at once. My thinking is very slow, and therefore so are my body movements.

I told hubby today that it's like my brain isn't cooking on all four burners. I have a pilot light out. I have to push myself to do the very basic things. Right now all I want to do is sleep. But I did manage to get the dishwasher going, and I also have a goal set today to replace the litter in the cat boxes. I cautioned hubby that it may take me half a day to get that done. Also, he did some laundry yesterday and there is a load sitting in the dryer that is primarily my clothes. We agreed that I may or may not get to that. I'm just doing the best I can.

Our discussion included the fact that a lot of people misuse the word "depression" when they really mean "sadness" or "disappointment." As in, "Damn, the Bears lost? I'm depressed about that!" In truth, sadness is a normal emotion, while depression is an illness. What I am feeling right now has very little to do with sadness.

Hubby can grasp the "pilot light" analogy, and I have made it perfectly clear to him that there is nothing he or I can do to re-light it. I just have to wait for it to re-light itself, I suppose. Also of interest to him is the fact that a hospitalization or even a doctor's visit would do me no real good at this point. I am not a danger to myself and have no intention of self-harm. Nor am I even in crisis. I'm just operating in a diminished capacity, that's all.

[Perna]

That sounds like a great conversation, LovebirdsFlying. I remember when I was having my shoulder pain and was in excruciating pain such that I couldn't sleep and when my husband woke to go pee I told him we had to go to the ER right away and he explained that we were going to wait until he'd finished sleeping.

The husbands and other care-takers get to practice good self-care too, so they can help us; it's like the airline oxygen speech, get it on yourself and then help others/children.

My husband inspires me, I remember what he's like (just like I use to think about what my T was saying/doing) and that helps me when I'm in a hard place of my own.

Originally Posted by Perna

That sounds like a great conversation, LovebirdsFlying. I remember when I was having my shoulder pain and was in excruciating pain such that I couldn't sleep and when my husband woke to go pee I told him we had to go to the ER right away and he explained that we were going to wait until he'd finished sleeping.

I mis-read that at first. I thought he said you'd have to wait until he finished peeing. (Which would have been very funny. )

In a way that might seem selfish of him, but on the other hand, he can't safely drive if he's sleepy. And my husband is the same way. Nothing interrupts his sleep, if he thinks it can wait.

Follow-up: I did manage to get the litterboxes taken care of. When hubby came home, the dishwasher had been run but not emptied yet, so we joined in together on that one, and then he cooked supper even though he had just worked a full shift. I was able to clean up after that.

Still not operating on all cylinders, but I'm plodding through. Hubby is used to pitching in around the house, because even if I'm fine, depression-wise, I still have back problems. He does most of the laundry and vacuuming anyway, even on my good days.

As you can tell by it being 3:00 in the morning and me posting this, my sleep patterns are messed up. I have two appointments in the morning, so I need to try to get some sleep.

Good for you and your husband, LovebirdsFlying.