[mel1982]

If you read my other post you know my wife and I are trying to fix our marriage. I felt like I was in competition with the guy she was seeing while we were separated. I thought I was over it but lately everything she says triggers an emotion and I feel I am competing again. I don't know if everything she told me was true but I feel that I will never be able to live up to this guy, why? I don't enjoy sex cause I am so busy thinking is she enjoying this or wishing she was with him. I think about things she told me when we were separated and just lose all self esteem. She talked about how good sex was with him and I have bought books on sex like I am a virgin or something. She says its fine but maybe my self esteem won't allow me to believe her, and when she says stuff I am just like maybe that is what they did and I can't do those things. I feel I have to do everything she ask cause she has made me feel like he would have or did. I wish I could move on but its so hard to and now I find myself trying to be this guy, trying to be Mr. Perfect. This has made me not like who I am and I change whatever she has a problem with trying to be this guy or a version of him and its killing me!!

[lynn P.]

"She talked about how good sex was with him" - wow that's low and mean. All I can say is I can understand how you feel and I hope you can work it out (((mel1982)). I don't think you should compete and you're fine the way you are. Maybe couples counseling will help?

[mel1982]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

"She talked about how good sex was with him" - wow that's low and mean. All I can say is I can understand how you feel and I hope you can work it out (((mel1982)). I don't think you should compete and you're fine the way you are. Maybe couples counseling will help?

we tried I ended it cause its not working. We talked about the sex and she told me it was good not in a mean way but its just how I am taking it. Feels like no matter what I do I will not be good enough.

Have you been seeing a therapist to help you deal with this issue?

[mel1982]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Have you been seeing a therapist to help you deal with this issue?

yea we were going but I ended it this week and decided to get individual. She keeps telling me she is over the guy and maybe she is but, I'm not. I can't seem to except that after the things she told me.

[NuckingFutz]

I do not think she can empathize at all or she would not have told you these personal things. I think I would rather have my heart ripped out. Marriage is sacred. She tossed that. Scattered. Ouch.

[mel1982]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

I do not think she can empathize at all or she would not have told you these personal things. I think I would rather have my heart ripped out. Marriage is sacred. She tossed that. Scattered. Ouch.

so true it really sucks but, I don't know what to do.

[jenkins09]

Man,

I went through this last year. Actually it is a year to the day that I found out that my wife had an affair. Everything you are going through is NORMAL and dont let anyone tell you different.

You are going to go through the grieving process, because the marriage you and she once had is over and it will NEVER be the same. You are going to have to rebuild a new marriage with her. You will be all over the place, sad, mad, depressed, in denial, and you may experience one or all of these emotions at the same time.

What she did was f****d up and unless you ask for details, she shouldnt tell you. I wanted to know every detail from my wife, it helped me so I wouldnt speculate about what they did. I'm glad to hear your in therapy, stay in it, talk this out until your tired of talking about it, but dont pretend it never happened.

Dont settle. I hope your wife is in counseling to find out why she allowed herself to have an affair in the first place and to learn how to have and enforce healthy boundries. Dont live in a state of fear. Are you afraid she will leave you? if you say how you really feel? I was. The affair shot my self-esteem to HELL.

I totally feel for you. No one deserves to be cheated on, especially in a marriage. Like I said, dont settle for anything less than the best. Know what you want in a marriage and a life partner and share that with her. Put up "hedges" to protect your marriage if you choose to stay in it and if she cant or wont change, leave her.

If you want you can PM me. I have some really great resources that will get you through this. Dont stop posting and hang in there. It WILL get better.