[BuddyBear0129]

I have been seeing a gentleman for about 1.5 years. He is a really good guy for the most part. (I mean that I have been able to figure out that many times he is "being a guy" and I am being a female). When he and I are together, we have a *really* good time. We laugh, we sing, we dance, we talk, we, well you get the idea. The chemistry both mentally and physically is just outstanding.

Then enters the daughter. She lives with him every weekend, Thursday-Sunday. I have never wanted to take the place of her mom, or take her place with her dad. What I have wanted is to be respected for my place with her dad. This child sneers at me behind his back when she hugs him. She consistently interrupts any conversation that we are having. She acts helpless when he is around. When she and I are alone, she is a great kid...she acts very mature for her age and is quite kind and wants acceptance and for me to like her as any normal 10 year old would.

I am not in a position where I feel comfortable disciplining her about the way she treats me when she is with her father. I have had a few conversations with her privately assuring her that she can have her space with him and that I needed to have mine too. Those conversations have gone nowhere.

I have spoken with my boyfriend about this, and he tells me that I act as immature as she does and that I am the adult and should be able to just ignore her. I know that I have responded in an immature way before. I have also ignored her, left the room, called her out on it. My boyfriend does nothing but tell her what a great kid she is.

This has become a major source of frustration for me. He and I both have lives that won't allow us to only see each other Mon-Wed, and seldom does he want to go out on the weekends because he has his kids. I am unsure how to get over these feelings. I know that if push came to shove, she could destroy us because he would naturally choose her.

Do you have any suggestions for things I can do for *me*? I am open to different ways of approaching both him and her as well, but am particularly looking for ways that I can stop my own frustration.

Thank you in advance for your help,

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey buddybear,

Sounds like she is massively jealous of you. Of course she would be, she had her dad to herself every weekend until you came along and she isn't at all happy that you are taking up his time.

I went through the same thing with my partners daughter until she realised that as far as I am concerned evenm though I totally adore my partner, I believe that their relationship is just as important.

Her mother had led her to believe that he had left her (the daughter), for me and had told her he didn't love her as much now that I was on the scene.

I made as much a fuss of her as I could without it being ridiculous, and continually gave ground in as much as I didn't interfere if they were sitting together or doing something together; I in fact would tell my partner to sit with his daughter because they don't have as much time together as he and I do.

This led to an amazing turn around in Penny and now she and I genuinely love each other and she knows that I am not in a game for her fathers affections. If there is any discplining to do I leave it to him, and I only ever say anything if it is something I really don't like. But to be honest behaving like an adult and not playing the childs game of emotional tag, she has matured a lot and no longer feels threatened.

It is hard sometimes to remember that kids are kids. We treat them more and more like adults at such young ages these days and that needs to be wound back and understood that they are not mature and do not have the life skills adults do. How much older than she are you? ...see what I mean?

Honestly giving ground to a child is not a loss or a triumph for her; it is showing her that you respect her relationship with her father and that you don't want to interfere in that, but rather encourage it to be close and naturally happy. But you need to tell her that you don't want to take her place in her fathers affections. Being the adult and giving them their own time and space will go a long way to fixing the issue,

Loving thoughts,

Rhia

[Perna]

Oh, Buddybear, that's tough. I am both a stepchild and a stepmother and found your description of your boyfriend's daughter to be "normal" for children her age and in that situation and very much my experience.

I often got "between" my father and stepmother when they were trying to kiss hello when my father returned from work in the evening (I was younger at the time). I think if you were there permanently, behavior such as your boyfriend's daughter exhibits would decrease over time. I think right now, with her father and mother split and you only a "girlfriend" there's going to be a lot of uncertainty and jealousy no matter what you say, especially if your boyfriend does not discourage or comment on certain behaviors. I don't think working with the daughter right now can help much as one doesn't know the mother's input and the father has none. . . They're still 100% of her world and you are still only an occasional add-on. If you lived with your boyfriend, moved/rearranged the apartment, etc. so it had "you" as part of it, then you might slowly make headway but the daughter has no reason to listen to you and gets more of what she wants by not?

I was living with my husband, in our house when his son, about the age of your boyfriend's daughter behaved very much as you describe his daughter behaving. When we were a "threesome" my stepson would monopolize his father and I would be kept waiting, ignored, etc. I began encouraging the two of them to spend time alone but then, I had my husband/boyfriend-at-the-time to myself the rest of the week.

I think you will have to talk to and come to some sort of agreement with your boyfriend so you get some time to yourselves. However, if he doesn't want that, then I see trouble ahead? If the situation can't be made more "normal" where his kids know their father is available as "needed" then I think they'll continue to test that. Once my husband and I married and had the son over "whenever" and I got a solid relationship with he and his brothers so we were "just" family, like all the rest of it (and became good friends with the ex-wife) a child wants/needs more "care", especially when not in their "home" (with their mother) environment. Think about how you would like it if you went to a party where you knew/cared about only one of the hosts and were stuck there for X period of time, without choice?

[jenkins09]

Lord help me I can relate. When I married my wife her son, now my step-son was 10 and I dealt with the same things. Its normal, and always remember, no matter how "mature" they act they are children.

It would appear that the dad has created a triangle with the lot of you. This isnt good. He has sent the message that he sees you both as equal, this isnt the case.

I am going to tell you what I did. I approached my wife and calmly expressed to her how I felt and what I observed taking place. You have to choose your words carefully so he does not get defensive and throw up a wall. Just let him know you need him to set a boundary with his daughter where your relationship is concerned.

He should also have reassured his daughter that she still has a special place in his life and that you wont replace that. As far as the discipline goes, he needs to be the one to do that. That is my opinion. That doesnt mean that if she is raising hell you dont do something but as far as correction goes, I feel its the place of the biological parent.

This way the child doesnt resent you further and it lets the child know that dad isnt going to tolerate his daughter disrespecting you. Its a tough situation, but it does get better. Once she knows your safe she will calm down, but right now in her mind your trespassing on her "turf."

I think if you can keep in mind that it has nothing to do with you and that she is insecure of her relationship with her dad it might make it less frustrating. The dad really needs to step up though and have a talk with his daughter and do it with you present. She needs to know you are both on the same page and that her behavior will no longer be tolerated. Do you see marriage in the future?