[WarriorPrincess23]

My husband and I are having some issues with our marriage...and I am literally falling apart. I have Asperger's Syndrome (previously misdiagnosed as Borderline and OCD) which is accompanied by some very serious anxiety, and he is neurotypical, possibly gifted. Other details so yall can have a good picture of the situation: I am 22 and he is 24, we've been married now for just over a year and dated for quite a while before that, and we have no kids at this time.

Because I'm AS and he is NT, I have certain needs and areas in which I require extra patience and understanding. Here are some examples:

Me: I have extremely, painfully low self-esteem that can sometimes result in self-loathing.
Him: He literally never gives me compliments, and thinks he shouldn't have to tell me good things about myself because I should somehow magically know he feels this way. He doesn't, however, have any problem with calling me out on things I do wrong, which are numerous.

Me: I am hypersensitive to pain and other uncomfortable physical sensations.
Him: He thinks I should just "get over it," and doesn't mind telling me so.

Me: Sex hurts! I love it though, because I love being that close to him, I crave that intimacy, and a lot of specific physical stimulation, such as skin on skin or rough hands, is actually magnified pleasure for us Aspies rather than magnified pain.
Him: Rather than have sex be an expression of our love, he thinks of it as some steamy banter in which sexual pleasure is the only thing to be had. He will be rough with me, and I will comply and pretend to enjoy it even though it hurts, because I feel like a horrible wife for caring more about my own pleasure than my husband's. Because I am bisexual and have wanted a threesome in the past, he is also constantly making references to imagining other girls are present, specific girls, which makes me feel he would rather be with them than me, and that I alone don't fulfill him. He makes me feel like I'm a f*** buddy rather than his "treasured" wife.

Me: I'm needy. I'll admit it. It's not a textbook Aspie thing, I know, unless you really look into different female manifestations, but there is something physiologically different about my brain that causes me to require lots of attention and affection.
Him: He will never initiate anything physical outside of sex, such as holding my hand, cuddling, kissing, massaging my shoulders, wrapping me in a bear hug. He never talks about me in public or to his friends, and never tells me how much I mean to him or what he likes about me or any of that. He doesn't miss me when I'm away, or get annoyed when I work ten hours instead of seven. He has no passion, no adoration, no emotion any stronger than "meh."

Except...

Me: I can get very depressed, and worse than that I get anxious and have extreme meltdowns in which I have no control over my words and actions. Sometimes I can't even speak, just wail and moan and struggle to breathe.
Him: Rather than doing things I have told him are definite ways to get me through the meltdown and control me (at least a little) and help me ride out the agony until it's over, he makes himself a contributing factor, taunting and yelling and insulting me the whole time, which of course prolongs and magnifies the situation. When it's over, he refuses to take any kind of responsibility for the situation, and magnifies my guilt and shame by blaming the whole thing on me. As if I don't hate and blame myself enough already. This is the kind of thing that I am afraid will destroy us.

There are other factors of our relationship in which AS/NT doesn't play a part and shouldn't be taking place in any relationship. Such as the fact that because we both work and go to school, we are only home in the evenings, at which time he plants himself at his computer or xbox and on an average day, I am lucky to get 15 or 20 minutes of meaningless conversation and maybe cuddling before bed. I can't speak my mind or talk about anything serious. I am constantly walking on eggshells so I don't piss him off. Almost anything I say to him is considered nagging. To make things even worse, he is a huge flirt and texts and plays video games with cute girls all the time, giving them compliments (even sexy ones) and teasing them, and remember, he very rarely tosses a halfhearted compliment in my direction. While he doesn't want me looking over his shoulder or reading his conversations, he doesn't feel he has anything to hide because he sees nothing wrong with it! But it absolutely rips me apart.

And before anybody suggests that he doesn't know that I have any of the above issues and that I just need to talk to him, I HAVE!! In the nicest, most gentle way I could. With the best timing I knew how. He considers it insulting that I don't see everything he does do for me. Which, at this point, I really think is minimal. No matter what aspect of our lives I try to discuss with him, even casually, even if he's in a great mood, he never fails to get irritated and upset.

I work my butt off as a full-time student and almost-full-time employee. The house is impeccable and you could set your watch to my laundry day. I balance the checkbook and pay the bills (because my filing system is, to him, mind-bogglingly organized). I give him unasked-for backrubs and make him sandwiches (even though he was originally the agreed-upon cook of the house, and I am now underweight because he has neglected this chore and because I am practically supporting the both of us including his expensive video game habits I don't have time to cook for myself). I ask him how his day was, how he is feeling, what he needs of me to be happy, what I can do for him. I shower him with compliments and he knows I adore him. I have lots and lots of flaws, yes, and they're pretty massive. But all these things I do without complaint. And more than that, I love my husband with a passion that few people could imagine.

Ever since AS came up as a possibility, I have tried to discuss it with him several times to talk about the possible reason why my mind might work as it does, and things we could do in light of it to make life easier for both of us. He brushes me off and doesn't take it seriously. He says that it doesn't matter why I have the issues I have, I just need to get over it. That I should be strong enough for it not to affect me in the way that it does. He doesn't think the fact that I may place on the autism spectrum, of all things, warrants a single change in our lifestyle and relationship.

I know I outlined a lot of his flaws. But he really is a good man, and a saint to put up with me for so long. He doesn't do any of the above to be malicious. To be honest, his biggest flaw is his apathy. He will admit it, but refuses to do anything about it.

If everyone has a soulmate, which you may or may not believe, if everyone has one person on this earth that they were meant to be with, I know that he is not mine. It is either someone else entirely, or him in the future after a lot of growing up by both of us. But I'm ok with that. Whether he is the man I'm supposed to be with, he's the one I, without a doubt, want to be with. Who I am choosing to be with...even if it kills me.

But I'm getting exhausted. He doesn't understand me, and doesn't care to. I need so much that he is not giving me, that he thinks I'm wrong and unreasonable to want. I don't want to insult the many, many independent and high-functioning Aspies out there, but a lot of us actually do need a greater-than-average degree of being taken care of...yet I'm the one doing the caring and providing. I'm not independent enough for this.

I just want more than anything to be happy with him. Why is it that everyone else ends up with a fairy tale and I am stuck in this hopeless apathy, this farce of a happily-ever-after. Why do I crave so much to be adored, provided for, cared for and desired by my husband, and why does wanting these things make me feel like such an ungrateful and selfish failure of a wife?

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Wow princess,

First welcome to PC Your situation seems complicated. Someone who loves you won't speak to you in that manner. Just take care and be aware of the support network you have here,

Loving support,

Rhian

[sharon123]

Have you considered counseling?

[Perna]

Hi, WarriorPrincess, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

I think there's a lot you can probably do with yourself that might help the relationship, before you try to tackle your husband and his problems? Were I you, I would work on my self esteem; it's wholly about ourselves, not others, what we think of ourselves. Doesn't matter what someone else calls you or does around or "to" you; how well you know and get along with yourself is 100% your responsibility. If you don't like and respect you, how can someone else?

I would try some counseling and learn some ways to help yourself so you don't need as much "help" from your partner.

[pachyderm]

Your husband may be neurotypical, but he does not sound typical to me. I hope not, anyway.

I think Perna has some good ideas: less trying to change your husband and more trying to do things that make sense to you, that help you, that make you feel better about yourself. Not easy, I know. A psychotherapist might help.

Welcome to the Community, WarriorPrincess23. I agree that you may benefit from therapy.

The Steps to Better Self-Esteem Forum is here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=34
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/ment...nal_health.htm
http://www.mental-health-matters.com...ss&Itemid=1916
http://cmhc.utexas.edu/booklets/selfesteem/selfest.html
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Assertive-...Being-Arrogant

But I'm getting exhausted. He doesn't understand me, and doesn't care to. I need so much that he is not giving me, that he thinks I'm wrong and unreasonable to want. I don't want to insult the many, many independent and high-functioning Aspies out there, but a lot of us actually do need a greater-than-average degree of being taken care of...yet I'm the one doing the caring and providing. I'm not independent enough for this.

Having agreed with Perna, I also agree with you. Your husband will take but will not give. At some point I hope he is willing to go to therapy to work at attaining a relationship that is more beneficial to both of you.

Getting him there could be quite difficult:

Neurotypical individuals often assume that their experience of the world is either the only one, or the only correct one

http://www.neuro-typical.com/about.html
http://www.righthealth.com/topic/Neurotypical

Since he believes only he has the correct answers, you are facing a very troublesome situation. Moreover, since he may have to learn step by step to recognize and appropriately respond to your needs, the process will take a lot of patience and time.

I admire your gumption and wish you the best. Remember to take care of yourself too.