[Visioneer]

I have two close friends (both male, I'm female), one that I have known for 9 years and the other for 6, and an X I've known for 4 years that I still talk to but am not that close with anymore (still haven't forgiven him). These are the only people outside of my family (who I'm not that close with) that I have maintained close relationships with in the last ten years. I haven't talked to anyone I knew from school in at least five years, and saw them only a handful of times for the previous five since graduating in 2000. There are accquaintances at work that I talk to but not outside of work.

The closer of my two friends thinks that our relationship is more than a friendship and that the things we do together, and how I act, are not what friends are supposed to be; he believes that the form of our relationship is not like what a "normal friendship" is and that we are much closer than that, more like a couple, and I don't want to be a couple with him. I don't know how to be any other way and it is causing him to be confused, and now I feel like I'm doing something wrong and I need to pull away. I love him, but I'm not in love with him, though I feel great affection for him and sometimes express it physically - I'll give him a back rub or a hug because he looks like he needs it, or lie on opposite ends of the couch with our legs touching... I don't know what normal is supposed to be. I don't know if I'm doing things that are innappropriate and I don't want to make him uncomfortable, and I'm confused. It makes me feel guilty to touch people or let them touch me... I don't mean in a sexual way, just affectionately. Not touching anyone is very lonely and it hurts in my chest after a while but I feel bad for wanting that.

I don't know what any type of relationship is supposed to look like, and I don't know how to form new friendships, even with people who would like to be my friend... I find it incredibly intimidating and I don't know how to deal with it, I get very mistrustful and guarded, I think that they are faking it for some reason. It makes me want to cry that people want to spend time with me. That's backward, isn't it? I feel like I don't deserve it. I am always afraid that if I do something with someone new I won't be able to think of anything to say and they will not enjoy spending time with me. I get nervous and say stupid things and I worry that they think I am stupid or immature or boring or boastful. Sometimes I do pretty well and I feel like I'm doing a good job of it, not talking when I'm not supposed to and talking at other times, not talking too much. When people email or text me I don't know what to do, I don't answer them for a long time and they think I don't like them. When people invite me out I feel too shy and I make an excuse to not go and then I feel stupid for not going. I'm pushing people away without meaning to and I don't know what to do, and other people I bring so close that they get hurt because I don't want more and sometimes I don't even know what I want!

I think some reasons might be that my parents didn't have any friends so I didn't see them interact with people and learn how to do it. I also didn't have any real friends as a child and didn't have a best friend until I was twelve, and had very few close friends afterward. My mother also didn't let me out of the house much and I didn't know any of the kids in the neighbourhood. I would go the entire summer without spending time with people my own age and I didn't even know how, I didn't even know that I didn't know how until it was way too late. In high school the people I loved didn't love me the way I loved them. They felt more like a family to me than my biological one. They were most important to me but I was often forgotten or left out. Maybe I tried too hard and they found me annoying to be around? There were so many little things... I didn't realize that I didn't swing my arms when I walked until they told me so I practiced and now I do it normally. I was treated really badly by other kids at school and was ostracized because I didn't know how to interact, and it made things worse. I didn't learn how to socialize that well until I was an adult and I still have so many problems with it and I'm 29 now and it's almost worse now than it was before. I thought I was doing pretty well with two friends but my psychiatrist says I need to make more. She also says that they have to be female and I'm especially afraid of females. I haven't had a female friend in years and I typically ignore them out of a general feeling that we won't have anything in common. There's one girl I have been trying to talk to at work but she doesn't talk much so maybe I'm misinterpereting the situtation.

My psychiatrist wants me to move out of the house I'm living in now because I live with my two friends and they hate each other and one of them is really jealous when I spend time with the other and gets angry and emotionally manipulative so I'm distancing my self a bit. The other is in love with me and I get to see every day that I'm hurting him, but he is my best friend and I have no one else. But I have no place else to go - the rent is cheap and if I moved I would have to find a new home for my dog (it would break my heart) and sell a lot of my stuff or put it into storage because I wouldn't be able to afford a place that would fit my stuff in, and I'd be really, really lonely. And on top of that my X keeps alluding to regret over letting me go and sometimes I don't want to talk to him but he is lonely and I don't want him to be alone.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone at all, and I don't have any other friends to talk to. And the people that want to be my friends apparently want to help me but I don't know them that well and it scares me. I really don't know what to do. I feel like I need to get away but I've got no where to go and if I went anywhere I would just be alone. When I'm alone I mostly just sleep because it feels like nothing is worth doing. I am so tired. I wish there was a place I could go and have a nice time.

So... what are friends supposed to do/be? I looked it up on Wikipedia and it makes sense for the most part, I just don't know how to tell when I'm doing something wrong sometimes. I need to go to sleep I think. I just needed to tell someone this stuff I guess so I hope it wasn't too long for people, sorry if it was. And thanks if it wasn't.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Pink_Lotus

I didn't realize that I didn't swing my arms when I walked until they told me so I practiced and now I do it normally.

It's all learned behavior Pink_Lotus and everyone has to practice/try different things to see what works for them. Your not swinging your arms reminded me of my carrying my books at my side instead of in front of me like a "girl" was supposed to (I have 3 older brothers). I never did master it well as it was just more comfortable to me to carry them at my side.

It is never to late to learn because other people tell us how we affect them. Your friend wants you to be a couple and you don't want that so it's probably a good idea if you get some distance from him. That's all you can do, see how your behavior affects other people and try to adjust to it. With the opposite sex that can be even more difficult because, while they can be friends, they usually are also mates or brothers.

For me, friends are there when I need them (or I'm there when they need me) and keep in touch but are not a constant thing. One's self and what one is doing in their own life should take priority and, sometimes people come along who fit in to what we're doing for awhile or we with what they're doing. Very few friends last for more than 10-20 years, usually only those we had when we were young and kept up to date with. I have a couple good friends from high school (1960's) but even the couple friends I made since (1970's and 80's) I no longer see or communicate with.

I have a couple friends now; one is a guy (also friends with my husband, use to work for my husband) and we might meet for dinner or something but we each have our own space and interests. I was just out of town and he came and took care of my two cats (he has cats also) while I was away. We're not constantly with each other, friends don't usually have time for that unless they're mates too. My husband and I are friends. My girlfriend I haven't see for a couple months but have talked on the phone once or twice and I know where she "is" in case I were to need her help and she knows she can call me if she needs mine.

Friends are more about "interests". One meets them in school or at a club meeting of some sort or in a group on the internet, etc. But as life goes on and that school/club/group and its place in one's life changes, the friendship changes too or dissolves because the interest isn't enough. My best friends (from high school) live far away from me and I, from them but we have a long, shared "past" so that works of glue kind of. My two current friends; we have pizza on Tuesday nights with the guy and he helps with the cats and house and we exchange the favor for him. He doesn't work currently and we're retired but he's looking for a job and when he gets one, I'm sure the relationship will change some, we won't see as much of him. My girlfriend finished the project I was helping her with and also got a job and is much busier now and we don't have as much in common anymore, don't see or talk to each other as much. I have no doubt if I called her and needed her help with something that she'd be there but both of us are busy with other things than those that kept us together in the past.

Best of luck in getting this sorted, Pink_Lotus.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Good luck with this pink lotus

Rhiannon

[sunflower227]

What do you like? Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy doing on your own time?

I think that when a person lives alone, that person is given the opportunity to figure out what they enjoy doing and what keeps them entertained. Friends provide support, but they cannot "fix" you. I think it's really important to pay attention to whether the friends who do try to fix your problems are being supportive to you (i.e., you feel good and strong after talking to them) or if they are just seeking chaos-seekers (i.e., they thrive on anyone's chaos which does not help you out at all.) But since you haven't lived alone, you live with roommates, you need to establish your boundaries so that you can still take advantage of that opportunity to figure out what you enjoy doing on your own.

If you can't be a friend to yourself, how can you be a friend to someone else? Take yourself out and show yourself a good time! The friend thing works itself out, all you have to do is stay honest to yourself and keep your word when you give it.

Take care!