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#1
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Okay - This is a very long story that I will attempt to shorten to just the main facts.
I've been married for 20 years. I love my husband and he loves me. We have always had a good relationship, but it has always been uneven. What I mean by that is - the first 10-15 years of our marriage, I took care of all the responsible stuff - paid bills, took care of the housecleaning, groceries, cooking, ran errands that needed to be done, etc. His attitude was that most of that stuff can wait until he "felt like" doing it. My attitude was that if you don't take care of things, they will build up and cause more work later. For reasons I can't explain quickly or easily, our roles have reversed. He takes care of errands and bills and the "responsible" stuff. I still clean house, cook, grocery shop, but I have become less **** about how it is done or when it is done. He doesn't like this. So, he works full time at a very responsible position and deals with stress at work. I am working part time as needed at a local college. I am and have been looking for another job to bring in more money, but I can't find a place to hire me - I'm overqualified, I'm over-educated, or I don't have any experience. I'm a college teacher. I'm a darn good teacher. I tried teaching high school, but I was miserable...not enough teaching and too much b.s. My husband didn't like the way I behaved or my stress level when I was teaching high school, so I went back to teaching college - part time, as needed. But we can't make it ends meet when I'm not teaching in between semesters and during the summer, so he is increasingly stressed and angry. He's angry at me because I haven't found another job, a better job, or any job...any money. I understand his frustration, but I can't face walking the hot pavement every day for hours begging for a job. I've tried. I've failed. I feel bad enough that I am not contributing enough money to our household, but that doesn't stop him from being mad at me and disappointed in me all the time. There's a lot more to why I'm in this place in my career....I've had full time college teaching jobs, but not in Corpus. It never lasts more than a few months before my husband is miserable because he is living somewhere other than Corpus. So...we come back here where I can't get a full time job and he gets angry and disappointed. As much as I love him, I'm so sick of this cycle that I'm ready to just leave....but I have no where else to go. |
#2
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Is joint counseling an option?
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#3
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Not really Byz....hubby doesn't trust counselors and would not be at all comfortable discussing our problems with someone. But it was a good idea. Anyway, we had a huge fight last night and at least came to the conclusion that we didn't want to be mad at each other....so the storm is past...for now.
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#4
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How about writing, tutoring, or some other part-time self-employment of that sort? Have you any interests/hobbies you could parlay into a little business?
My husband and I usually only had arguments of the type you mention when I wanted something that he felt we couldn't afford. I would sometimes rearrange "my" expenses to make that work (I use to buy $100-$300 worth of books from Amazon each month, for example, and I'd drastically cut that back for several months). Have you an accountant or financial advisor who could look at the situation as a third party and advise the two of you together?
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
#5
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Perna is giving you some good ideas.
I read this last night and couldn't come up with a good response then (don't know if today will be better). My knee jerk reaction is to say eff him and tell you to leave. But that's probably a little bit of an over reaction on my part. I am guessing that you moved into the other apartment? The one with the nice landlord? Is that helping you save any money? And school (uni) starts here in about 4 weeks, is it the same for you? If so, can he just ride this out until you get back to work? I know that not working/contributing financially can make me feel completely worthless, but I also know that my husband doesn't think I am worthless. Maybe if you talked about these feelings you have, when your husband isn't already pissed, he can assure you that he doesn't think you are worthless either, that he is just frustrated (or whatever it is that he is feeling). Also, I would be inclined to remind him that you chose, for his happiness, to leave a better paying job so that you could live where he wanted. He should have been able to see that moving from where ever you were to a smaller town was going to limit you financially. If he wants you to make more money (and I don't think you should have to work an office job, just because he thinks that will make more money, you went to college for what you do and should be able to have the career you studied for), then he's going to have to be willing to move somewhere that you have more opportunities.
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"School is shortened, discipline relaxed, philosophies, histories, languages dropped, English and spelling gradually gradually neglected, finally almost completely ignored. Life is immediate, the job counts, pleasure lies all about after work. Why learn anything save pressing buttons, pulling switches, fitting nuts and bolts?" Bradbury, Ray Fahrenheit 451 p 55-56 |
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