[michael426]

Hey everyone,

first post here so have some patience

I just got out of a relationship with a girl that lasted three months. This is the third relationship that has ended with me breaking up. And being relieved.

My last relationship came about pretty quickly. I'd met this girl a few times at social events over a period of a year, then decided to ask her out. We hit it on pretty quickly and things got somewhat intense, then when we started dating it cooled down pretty quickly for me. I started getting annoyed with her, felt she was invading my space, that she was controlling me. So I stuck with it for a while, thinking I just wasn't used to being in a relationship (the two before were pretty brief), all the while keeping these feelings inside because it didn't make sense to me why I would feel this way. That got me so depressed I eventually ended the relationship.

I just see this pattern where if a girl comes too close, I start feeling the pressure and want out. It is like I can't take anyone having a say in my life, especially girls. I'm okay with female friends, though I don't have any close one, mostly the girlfriends of mates. And I don't feel stressed about them.
I have wondered a lot why I feel this way. It's like a rage. They get too close and I feel controlled, manipulated and not in charge of my own life. Sometimes I wonder if this is somewhat tied to my mother. She was pretty overbearing when I grew up, explosive anger, controlling, yet I deeply care about her. She was the one to run the family, my ally. And I guess I sort of became her help in the family, cooked, took care of my brothers. I was the one who was responsible, the kid who got good grades, the one who went to church. Yet there's been a lot of anger and ambivalence towards her. She overstepped some of my private boundaries when I was younger, though I don't think that had sexual undertones. I had some random infections that kids get, worms, urinary tract infections etc. I just remember the intense humiliation of having to pull down my pants for her «inspections» and her eager «playing doctor» on me (she's a nurse). There was no saying no.
Also there have been times where I have felt uncomfortable walking around her with my t-shirt off, like the way she looked at me felt «eerie». Lock that with her coming to me to talk about her relationship with my dad, it has made me feel the need to back off sometimes. It's just taken some time to acknowledge the need for strict boundaries.

So I've wondered if all the issues I have with other girls is somehow tied to her. That I'm projecting my image of her on other girls. I have wondered if therapy might help, but I feel to proud to go see my GP about this.

Michael, 24

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Michael

Welcome to PC. It seems that you are to me pretty much on the money with your assessment, bearing in mind though that it could relate to teachers or other significant people in your life; there could be more to it than the surface indicators.

Therapy would be the proper course for this issue. And you don't have to tell your GP why you wish to see a therapist; if you feel the need to then just tell him you feel down or depressed about something that you don't feel comfortable discussing.

I really wish you well with this issue and let you know you do have support here at PC, we all need that support and we all give that support when we see the need for it,

Rhiannon

[Perna]

It could be because of your experiences with your mother and you may want to see a therapist/counselor and discuss it, see if you can get a different general response going for yourself but it could also be that people are all different and each has their own personality and affect us differently; this last woman could have been crowding your space, according to you/what you like. I know my husband feels uncomfortable around his ex-wife that way but not around me when I do the "same" sorts of things; he just didn't/doesn't care for her touch and does mine. It could be you'll find a woman that just feels "right".

[michael426]

thanks guys!

thing is, I don't really feel that she's been "objectively" crowding my space. She's just been doing nice things, inviting me to do stuff, sleeping over, texting me nice stuff. I mean, to me to me that's alright to expect in a relationship. But for me it's been stressful, at least once we started getting serious.

Maybe there is some right girl out there, though I'm addressing this since I'm already through relationship number three and it's the same thing again.

thanks for the advice tho. I'll let you know what happens.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

If you are affected by the way your mother has parented you and are having issues with that parenting where the boundary lines are slightly blurred then you are going to have reactions and they are going to be angry reactions.

Just because your mother didn't do the unthinkable does not mean that other boundaries were not crossed and that would evoke a response from you which compromised your feelings and concerns.

You are obviously trying to "normalise" the relationship with this girl but the behaviours from your mother as you grew up would be creating anxiety and friction within you and so creating the same anxiety and friction within any relationship.

I suggest a counsellor to begin with and if the counsellor cannot get through the wall they will send you to a psychologist or psychiatrist, who would help you to rebalance things and sort them out.