[ChipmunkGal]

I will make this short and sweet. Literally 10 years ago my husband (who was not my husband at the time) had cheated on his girlfriend "Vanessa" (who he claims was the love of his life for years prior to meeting me) with a woman "Sophie". He and "Sophie" have remained friends through the years even though he has been through a handful of relationships since "Vanessa" and he had broken up. He says that "Sophie and himself both regret it and neither of them feel anything towards each other for years. My question is....does it make sense that I'm worried that he is still friends with "Sophie"? Does it make sense that I'm worried that since he cheated on "Vanessa" with this "Sophie" woman once before that Im worried he will cheat on me with "Sophie"?

[lynn P.]

I'm confused - do you have a husband right now? I thought you had a fiance a few months ago who broke up with you.

[PrincessStarr]

My initial thoughts are this:

It is not really about who Sophie is...or Mary or Elizabeth... or Jane Doe. It is about who your husband is. Should he eliminate his friends so that you can feel secure? I think not. By the same token... "WHAT" is a friend to him? And, what does the relationship entail? Does he have other friends? If so, does it seem that he handles those relationships any differently? How long have you been married to this man and what age range are the two of you. All of those factors play such a part in the dynamics of this situation. Wondering

[KDlady]

it sounds like you don't trust him - doesn't matter what the name of the girl is or what the situation is. - just my thoughts

[lynn P.]

I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm wondering if someone is using CG's account to ask their own question. A few months ago CG was engaged then broke up and has been dating. Unless she recently got married.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by PrincessStarr

My initial thoughts are this:

It is not really about who Sophie is...or Mary or Elizabeth... or Jane Doe. It is about who your husband is. Should he eliminate his friends so that you can feel secure? I think not. By the same token... "WHAT" is a friend to him? And, what does the relationship entail? Does he have other friends? If so, does it seem that he handles those relationships any differently? How long have you been married to this man and what age range are the two of you. All of those factors play such a part in the dynamics of this situation. Wondering

Holy crap! if they're only your initial thoughts you'll have the girl paranoid about any relationship you're like a gattlin gun.

I'm with you Lynn, I thought CG had a finace but broke up, unless they got back together and wed quickly? that does happen (though I'd rather pull all my teeth out with pliers than get back together with someone I'd broken up with that is just asking for trouble imo)

[PrincessStarr]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Holy crap! if they're only your initial thoughts you'll have the girl paranoid about any relationship you're like a gattlin gun.

I'm with you Lynn, I thought CG had a finace but broke up, unless they got back together and wed quickly? that does happen (though I'd rather pull all my teeth out with pliers than get back together with someone I'd broken up with that is just asking for trouble imo)

LoLoLoLoL

[ChipmunkGal]

Thanks you guys! Yes, it's me the same Chipmunk Gal. I was recently married in July.

[ChipmunkGal]

Oh by the way, I'm very flattered that you remembered what was going on earlier this year. So yes back to my question, I guess I don't trust him. I suppose that is the bottomline. By the way, we are in our early 30's. Does trust have anything to do with not feeling loved/appreciated/taken for granted? It's going to sound strange but when he acts sweet to me, loving, supportive, gentle, caring and considerate I feel like I can trust him. When he acts otherwise (rude, offensive, insulting, vulgar etc.) I feel very weary of him and his intentions. It makes me think he is "up to something". The only threat that stands out is this "Sophie" friend of his. That's why I ask. Thank you guys again for reading/posting and providing feedback.

Bloody hell you two have good memories lmao ! I hardly remember who posted yesterday let alone months ago !

I would tell him to cut off all ties with her but thats cos I am a jealous person.

[PrincessStarr]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

Oh by the way, I'm very flattered that you remembered what was going on earlier this year. So yes back to my question, I guess I don't trust him. I suppose that is the bottomline. By the way, we are in our early 30's. Does trust have anything to do with not feeling loved/appreciated/taken for granted? It's going to sound strange but when he acts sweet to me, loving, supportive, gentle, caring and considerate I feel like I can trust him. When he acts otherwise (rude, offensive, insulting, vulgar etc.) I feel very weary of him and his intentions. It makes me think he is "up to something". The only threat that stands out is this "Sophie" friend of his. That's why I ask. Thank you guys again for reading/posting and providing feedback.

I am more concerned about his treatmet of you, than this Sophie person. I would say that If he acts rude, offensive, insulting or vulgar to you... then everything else is null & Void. If you two are not going to treat each other like queens and kings, who is going to? I say, that unless you are looking to raise and train a man (which cannot be done) then this whole relationship needs to be reconsidered. There are men out there that would NEVER think of treating you in this way. You deserve that. What difference does it make if he is "sweet and loving" to you today... if he is the rude, mean and insulting tommorrow? Again, I say, that unless u are only there for the rollercoaster ride... reconsider carefully.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

Thanks you guys! Yes, it's me the same Chipmunk Gal. I was recently married in July.

Thanks for clarifying this CG. I was concerned someone else was using your account - this has happened before when someone has an automatic password and someone else in the house uses the account. I remember your story so clearly - you wanted implants and your fiance left abruptly. Is this the same guy???

If he's verbally calling you names and not showing empathy for your feelings - I would be concerned. It seems you didn't pay attention to the 'fed flags'. Yes I would be concerned him being friends with someone he has a sexual past with. Sorry to be 'Nosey Nancy' lol - but did you get the breast implants you really wanted?

[Muser]

Originally Posted by Tishie

I would tell him to cut off all ties with her but thats cos I am a jealous person.

I would too...but that's just me. If his other female friends don't bother you but this one does...because of the history between them, what would it hurt for him to cool it with her? I assume he still has other people that he can be friends with.

The important thing to me is how this friendship with her makes you feel and sounds like you're not feeling to sporty about it. It would be a kind gesture on his part to distance himself from her.

I would be careful though about making this request very often because it could be interpreted as just plain old jealousy.

Best wishes with all this

[50guy]

He should cut it off if you ask him to. I had a simuliar situation. I was friends (platonic) with a female at work for 2 years. There was a lot of gossip at work about us and it caused some problems with my DW of 37 years. She was very upset and asked to to stop the communication/friendship. I was against stopping it but, in the end......my DW won. I still don't think I did anything wrong, although she sure did.

It wasn't worth the hassel and was beginning to cause bitterness. I'm the kind of person that is like "whatever". I didn't do anything wrong and she tries to make me think I did. This is still a problem 2 years later. I'm not going to give in and am holding firm....I didn't do anything wrong. The problem is that too many women think it is cheating or whatever if their man talks, laughs or enjoys another woman's company.
It wouldn't bother me if my DW had male friends. I live a double standard life. I trust her, she doesn't trust me. I'm ok with it. It's just her insecurity.

[ChipmunkGal]

Wow, thank you all! And to Lynn - no I didnt get the implants. This is a new man with a short courtship. He seems to have no issues with my breasts and encourages me to do what I think I need to do to feel beautiful.

[Muser]

50guy- I think you did a kind thing for your DW to phase out this friendship.

I also think... and maybe ChipmunkGal will agree....it means a lot to us girls what other people think of our relationship. If there is gossip and even if the gal-pal thinks she's got your interest peaked....that's a huge insult to us girls. If other people thought my guy had interests elsewhere....even if I believed that it was platonic...it looks bad. If a guy is willing to say "DW, you are more important to me than this friendship" ...that is huge!!

At the same time, we all have to be mature enough to realize friends are not necessarily friends with benefits.

[lynn P.]

I also forgot to say, I don't think he would cheat again with Sophie because they already experienced that 'thrill' before - they're 'old news' basically. Since he was friends with her for some time before you came along - I think it might be unfair to expect him to cut off the friendship. So my advice is, you can try to see what's his position on this, but if he's firm about the friendship - I wouldn't push it, if I were you.

Instead you could even be friends with her too. If he's willing to let you also be friends, this would show there really isn't anything to worry about. I doubt they would ever want to sleep together in the future. BTW I'm happy you didn't end up marrying the other guy.

[Perna]

I don't know if I'd worry about my husband's ongoing relationship with people from before I knew/married him. I would have satisfied myself about that before I married him; did you not know about the relationship? Did he hide/fail to mention it?

My husband was married before me and had lots of female work friends and acquaintances from many years before me but I worked the same place he did and met them and watched them interact and saw more of the "whole" picture and did not see anything anywhere in his behavior (or any of the other women) that would lead me to believe he would cheat on me.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I think the most important thing is the way he treats you. I always worry about whirlwind romances, you just don't have enough time to meet the whole person