So why do I FEEL SO GUILTY??? (re: sex)

If I had cancer, would I feel bad that I wasn't able to have sex with my husband?
If I had arthritis and couldn't perform, would he leave me?
If I had to be hospitalized, would he find someone else to fill that void?

I don't believe the answer to any of those questions is “yes,” so, why do I feel so terrible when my brain finds the idea of sex (in general, not just with HIM), to be so abhorrent that I'd much rather jump off a cliff? I'm ill, why can't I accept that it's just as real as cancer, or arthritis, or an extended separation? I feel like I'm letting him down, that I'm renegging on a part of my marriage vow. I feel like he must hate me, must be looking elsewhere. We “joke” about having an open marriage so he can get what he needs – but in truth the jokes cut like a knife. I don't let on though – most of the time. The intimacy I need and the intimacy he needs are so vastly different. We talked a little last night – he said something to the effect of when he was growing up there were dozens of women he'd see and think “man I'd like to screw her!!” For me it was lots of men I'd see and think “wow, a long hug from him would be fantastic.” Sex has never, ever been high on my priority list. It's never even been LOW on my priority list. It mostly isn't there. And it's not meds related because it's ALWAYS been this way. I just hate so much the thought of not fulfilling one of my husband's greatest needs. I live in dread that he's going to leave me, mostly over this issue. At the same time I don't believe it ever would happen, he's far too committed to his own vows. I think, I hope, I pray. But I don't know what to do

mental illness is just as valid as any other illness. i dont know him but he knows you are ill and if his vows mean anything he will stick by you through all of this. perhaps you can find ways to show intimacy that works for both of you. that will take communication on both your parts but in the end it will hopefully make you bothe feel better about the situation. try not to worry(i know its difficult) it will all work out in the end

I'm in a similar situation, thank Goddess though that I'm not married and sex is a choice not a vow to be broken just because I don't do it. Whoever invented marriage ought to have been strung up by the balls! It's nothing more than a way of keeping track of who and where people are for census purposes.

I really think that it is a matter of love, and if he loves you he will support you through this time until you come to a time where you are more amenable to sharing your body with him. It will happen, women go through a second peak in their 40's and 50's so go slow with it and don't wear through it quickly lol.

I have vaginismus which precludes me from having sex at all because he just can't penetrate, so we make love in other ways. You can show your love without overt sex and you can still be intimate in a way that suits you both. That is what love is, caring in a sharing and loving way, not in a way that is attached to a wedding vow created by some religious male patriarch hundreds of years ago.

I'm sure phrick that your hubby loves you just the way you are and when you get a little better you will be more inclined to share yourself instead of cutting yourself off in yet another way from life, because of depression or other mental illness,

Rhiannon

Hello, Phrick. Is seeing a sex therapist an option for your?

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/low...3/METHOD=print

Be well.

lol im in your same shoes but with my bf not a husband.
I thought i was tending to his needs, i sure was wrong. =/

Hi, Phrick~

I think Rhiannosmoon is on the right track about the purpose of "marriage" theory.

To (try to) answer your question, (the title of OP), why do you feel so guilty regarding sex?
Perhaps it is because of how we are raised in this culture of ours that women, (especially the "wife role"), are expected to perform once we commit into a relationship. As though one of the marriage vows, sex is an expectation of provision. I'm really not sure.

I do know, though, that I simply do not have ANY interest, desire or even thoughts of sex with my husband. I used to feel guilty about it. I used to endlessly ride myself about it. I used to try to provide for him what he needed despite how I felt, but each time made me feel even worse about myself.
It has become so bad that I finally encouraged him to find outside means for satisfaction so long as he was safe about it and I was left alone. And he did, which I am perfectly fine with. (Please understand that I am in no way suggesting that that is an option for your situation. That is a last resort that doesn't work for everyone).

You and your husband still have the love for each other that can get you through these tough times. It's the love and commitment to each other that supports ANY relationship.

I wish you and your husband all the best.

Shangrala