[Elana05]

Endured lunch with my dad and his wife yesterday. Well, it wasn't too bad except that my dad (who has a history of dismissing whatever it is that I am doing) asked about my return to studying and my eventual return to school. And of course he waited until we were about to leave to ask me about it.
Dad, "So you are getting back to studying?"
Me, "Yes"
Dad, "Do you really like it or are you just trying to prove something?"

This is the extent of whatever asks about what I am doing. He has asked me a total of six times if I really enjoy this area of study, or has said "I don't know what you see in that!"

I have always had this problem with him where if he cannot relate to whatever the conversation is about than he completely shuts down. Which pisses me off. I listen to him go on about whatever he is interested in (just good manners).

I know my T has told me that I can't expect much from him. This is just how he is and I should look for support elsewhere. But it is hard to have him actually ask me what I'm up to, and then have him essentially put me down by looking at me like I'm nuts. It feels especially hard because I don't have much family. I've got him and his wife and my mom, who I can't talk to either for other reasons. Maybe I should really just let it go. It is so hard.

When I got home I actally wrote him an e-mail (yay therapy) telling him that if he was going to ask me about my interests then he couldn't ask me what I was trying to prove. I said that he could ask me about the subject, or what interested me about it but to please not look at me like I was some kind of freak. (The subect is science, not an unusual subject by any means).

He has said many other things in the past to put me down and I know that I'm simply getting triggered. But in the end, the message that I get is that he thinks I am too dumb. I'm finally at a place where I know this isn't true -- but I am just so sick of having him act this way toward me.

[madisgram]

YAY, ELANA! good job!!!!!!!!!!

[AAAAA]

Have you tried to face this problem head on? For example if he says something that hurts your feelings or bothers you in some way, ask him what he means. "Are you trying to imply that I'm not intelligent enough to enter this field?" "Why do you find it so surprising that I am interested in this?" "When you say ... it sounds like you are saying ...."

Sometimes what we hear and what they actually say are entirely two different things. By asking a direct question immediately, you can accomplish several things. You learn exactly what he is trying to say, he learns that his tone, or the way he phrases something is insulting to you.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I think you handled it well Elana, good for you for pursuing a course that is something dear to you and not dear to good old dad...maybe his response is how his father faced his decisions?

[steffi01]

good for u Elana ! just remember we dont choose our parents. he seems like he has problems of his own. just take him as he is , i think then u will find peace in your reltionship with him. as someone said get ur support elsewhere coz this channel in my opinion has problems. he needs help trust me Elana n i think this is the best he can do for u. study n make a productive life for yourself n let go plz. my sister kept on dragging the situationn with our mom for years on end until she turned 36 n had a baby. it was a waste of time on someone who didnt deserve one minute of my time she said after she finally decided to let go. its a tough learning or character building situation .thats all ! u r still so young n life is in front of u grab it n become the next bill gates or whoever. think humanity , think the planet think big u deserve it , u can do it.