[mysecretname]

I am sorry but this is going to be long....

I came to this forum to get help, education and advice to be the best partner I can to my girlfriend who is bipolar. I feel like I have to start from the beginning to get the "big picture" out there as anything else would just add more problems most likely. While the beginning is not that long ago, there has been a lot that has gone on....

My girlfriend and I started dating in May of this year. We met online, talked, met up and started dating. She was very upfront about telling me she was bipolar and pulled no punches. Personally it didn't bother me, but I also didn't really take it seriously (and I should have). We spent as much time as we could together, although that was limited as she is very (very) independent and very (extra very) protective over her two children from her previous marriage. I am going to try to make this as short as possible with all of the important points. We started dating, we started being intimate, she got pregnant (which I was very happy and supportive about, although her a little less). I deployed in July (so that is mid May through mid July we got to spend together). She moved into my house, with my mom (who I paid to move there and take care of things while I was deployed). This was followed by a series of very unfortunate events in a short amount of time. Since July, she lost her job (she was a prison guard), had a custody battle with her ex (which she won), totaled her car (and broke her wrist in it), and we lost our twin babies due to miscarriage. This is especially hard because she has had an abortion and three other miscarriages all of which hurt her deeply. She also feels pressure because I have no biological children and she wants to us to have kids together. On top of that, I am an idiot, and this will take some explanation. I lied about being divorced. I have been separated since September of last year, in the process of a divorce, but in NC (where I was stationed) you have to wait a year to get divorced. I really liked my girlfriend and I couldn't bare the thought of losing her so I was scared and I lied. I know and knew it was wrong that I did it, and I have apologized profusely and tried my hardest to restore her trust in me. She found this out in August, not long before the series of events took place. I know I deserve some comments about how stupid and how much of a scumbag I am for it, but lets try to keep them to a minimum...

From there, she has gotten a new job, although with less hours and less money. Now there is much more background on her... She has been through a lot in her past, her ex-husband was controlling, abusive and cheated on her. She had Stage IV Ovarian Cancer in 2009, she went through Chemo and Radiation treatments. Her family is very unsupportive and always has been. Also, when I say that she is very independent I need to describe just how independent. She does not want any help from anyone. Even though we are dating and we have come as far as the kids call me Daddy #2, she calls them ours, she lives in my house... But she won't let me help with any of her bills, won't let me help get her a car to replace the one that was totaled, won't even let me pay the $40 for her cell this month so that I can talk to her from Afghanistan. I know it isn't all about the money, but I have a hard time doing much to support from here...

Recently with all of this stress, and it is a lot for anyone she hit her "breaking point" as she calls it. She kept saying she doesn't care about anyone, talked about how she would be better off dead, made plans to sign over all of the rights to her children so that they would be taken care of when she was gone and kept telling me she wanted to just move out and I would be better off without her. I told her that I loved her (this wasn't the first time), that I would do whatever it takes to be here for her, and whatever I could to take stress off of her. The next day she went to her doctor and was put on medication (Xanax and Ablify). She started doing better after that (this has been within the past week). But she still seems like she is down to me. She has started talking about moving out and leaving again. She talks about how she can never catch a break and that things will never get better. I try to be supportive, try to take stress off of her, and talk to her about what is going on inside. Most of the time she just replies it doesn't matter anyways, or what do you want me to say, or how am I supposed to feel.... I just don't know how to support her and help her through this. I know that we love each other and I will stay with her through all of this and whatever else happens. I just want to be able to make her happy again. I miss the sound of her laughter and the smile in her voice...

I know this is way too much information at once and most of it is not well written, rambling and out of order. I only hope that I can get some help here on what to do or anything to just make things better for her... Thank you for even managing to read all of this and I look forward to any responses....

[Belle1979]

Okay, start with the first "you idiot" for lying about being divorced. You sound like you paniced and thought that was the best solution. That sounds like it is in the past and unless it's still being brought up as an issue then I'd try to forgive YOURSELF for the white lie.

I don't really have any mental illness - well not extreme illness anyway.. the eating disorders and depression are mostly under control - so i can only offer opinions about how she is feeling and how you can help her.

You sound like a really great guy, from what you have posted here and the replies you have written on other threads.

If she has started new meds it will take a while for the dosage to build up and for her to get back a stable 'emotional' level. You will hear the smile in her voice again eventually. For me I have just come off antidepressants, felt it was time and all out of my system properly now - it's starting to make me wonder if what I feel right now is the REAL me because so far I fell like a horrible person.

You give her the openings to express how she is feeling, just give it a little more time with no pressure and she hopefully will open up.

Just being there as you have been, telling her you love her and reassuring her that you are not going to give up might just bring back the laughter.

"flight or fight" instincts are powerful, very possible that it's just a gut reation for her to want to leave so that she doesn't get hurt.

Hope that everything works out as you do deserve the best x

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello yoursecretname,

Must agree with all that Belle has said. Especially the fight or flight, and I must say that with BP sufferers they want you to fight their flight, but they don't feel that they are good enough to have anyone who loves them, let alone how you love this girl.

She needs the reassurances that you are giving her. Please understand that the one thing you need the most of is a combination of patience and staying power. Which I sense from everything you have written so far, you have a great deal of.

I also think that the reason she is so strict with her independence is because BP sufferers can have issues with overspending during manic stages of their disorder. It sounds as if she is handling that well and is very disciplined in that regard. That is something that you will be grateful for (from the distress I hear from sufferers of BP who have run credit card bills into the almost hundreds of thousands or not paid bills and spent the money on other things).

It really is distressing for them and not something they want to do, it is something which is just incredibly difficult for them to control. If you want to buy her a car then buy it as a birthday gift or anniversary gift just not an I love you gift.

Give her time to get used to being loved. She has been in a dificult and abusive marriage which believe me puts us off getting married again like you would not believe. That is where one of those independent streaks comes from. Being controlled can do that to you and it makes one committment shy.

You will get a lot of help from the BiPolar Forum. Keep up the great work she is lucky to have you!