Given up at 22

Hey all. I'd love to hear your advice because I have nowhere left to go at this point.


I'm living with 2 emotionally abusive parents - one is manipulative, selfish, passive aggressive, silent, angry, secretive, controlling, a liar, plays a victim, always gets people to believe he's right. That's my dad. My mom is good, sometimes, but she has a lot of moments where she can't stand the sight of me, where she calls me horrible things and digs at my insecurities and character and tells me I'm aweful and do aweful things all the time and always tells me there's something wrong with me. But she can also be loving. If it was just my mom and I, it would be ok. But my dad CONTROLS her. He spends all day with her, works with her. He has positioned himself in the center of the house, and designed the house so it's all open space and he can hear everything that goes on everywhere and he can keep an eye on everything. If she talks to me, he interupts. If she hugs me, he watches over us and stares at her so she is nervous and pulls away. He believes I am a piece of garbare, he says I've ruined his life. They truly believe that the things I say and do are not normal and not ok. Just a note, there's absolutely nothing not normal about me (in the sense of what I do or say). If my dad wants to ignore, I leave him alone, and then he starts manipulating my mom to believe I'm treating him badly by not speaking to him. If I speak to him, he doesn't respond, ignores what I say and questions I ask, and then later controls my mom into believing I was bullying him and being rude. These are all not that bad, I'm used to him. But the thing is - I NEED a mom. I HAVE a good mom. And I want nothing more than for her to ask me and genuinely want to know anything that's going on in my life or WANT TO BE INVOLVED. She doens't want to be invovled, but sometimes she walks to hear about it, but my dad changes her perception of me and always creates massive problems. If a few days goes by with no explosion from him or my mom, he's feeding fuel to the fire slowly building small problems each day to my mom until finally she believes I'm that bad.
And I'm 22.
I used to have my brother, but now he too believes my dad is right. He says he regrets taking my side for so long and has stopped talking to me for years now. He has always had very few emotional needs and no attachment or needs from my parents ever. Everyone always said he was 30 when he was 5. Now, he truly believes I am not a good person (disgusting) and am getting what I deserve.
I need to move out, but the problem is I have my own major issues - mainly stemming from being raised in this environment of not getting any of my needs met - i believe my father is the only child my mom ever had (we were raised by housekeepers). The problem is - she is all I have. And I want that love that i've felt from her, the only love i've ever gotten, SO bad. But my dad, and my mom after my dad spends enough time convincing her i'm a problem in this hidden agenda way that makes it looks like he's the good guy and i'm bad, i don't even know how he does it. But he knows EXACTLY what to say to get her to agree with him and apologize to him and then come back to me and tell me i've done something wrong. My mom is all I have, I have no one else, and don't love myself at all. I work full-time now in a great job - it has helped, but these issues are too great to let that be enough. I've stopped taking care of myself, which is probably the worst issue of them all. I can't get myself to care enough anymore. I dress horribly now, I've gained more than 30 pounds and am not looking at stopping anytime soon. I shut myself down to any potentially negative situation and have even stopped reacting in social situations so I have a glazed look. I don't even speak that much anymore, mainly just laugh at work and with people, without contributing anything. I've isolated myself from people for years and don't find any comfort or happiness in social situations. I haven't been interested in any romantic or sexual relationship in years. I feel as if I would like to die, but don't know how to on the outside, so I've killed myself in every other way besides my heartbeat. I've deadened myself, and don't really have motivation to change that.

You could ask why I am posting this then. It's because my parents have shifting their threats, screams, "whats wrong with me" energy to kicking me out. They send me an eviction notice last week, my mom told me she's been meeting with a lawyer, and my dad plans to change the locks within the next 3 weeks. But I have nowhere to go, I don't want to leave, or do anything, or start draining my bank account for a life I don't want.

I hope you all don't simply recommend to me medication, because the truth is medication won't fix these emotional problems. And I've tried therapy in the past, and these problems are too baked into me at this point to be extracted by a therapist. I truly am at a dead end and am ready to be done. There's nothing I want, I can't be fixed.


I am truly looking forward to hearing what you all have to say. Thank you for reading.

So you don't want to go to therapy and you don't want to go on medication.

Here's the thing. Medication won't change your parents. But it will help you "cope with crap." And you seem to be dealing with a lot of it right now.

If you're 22 with a full time job the best situation for you would to have your own place, which would probably offer you a nice sanctuary. If this isn't a financial option then start saving up.

You might like going to free support groups where you can hear others with similar issues. It will reduce some of your isolation and give you a forum to vent your feelings.

Hello sunset9,

It is really unsettling that your parents feel the need to evict you and speak to their lawyer and change the locks on the doors. Why have they done this? I'm sorry you have to go through this it can't be helping you in any way. But I think that for you to get away from this very unhealthy environment is the only way you have a chance to rebalance your life and get away from the influences you say are disrupting you.

Your post started off reasonable and descended into chaos. I feel there is more happening with you than you tell. I'd like to know the situation from which your brothers defection arose. What brought him to say he no longer believes you? There is no way that therapy cannot reach and soften inbaked issues unless the one with the issues doesn't want to have them softened. Medication will not fix the issues and it is not meant to; as Amy22 pointed out meds are there to assist you in coping with the situations you are in.

This is NOT a diagnosis just an observation. You have drawn a verbal picture of someone with depression some paranoia and depersonalisation (but no anxiety), who amazingly keeps down a full time job. I honestly suggest that you take your job, move into an apartment and really honestly get yourself to a doctor and blissfully away from your father

At 22 you need to move on get away from all the poison in your life
YOu need to look into your community and see if there is a hostile you can go to until you get housing an apartment for yourself
I agree you need meds the will help keep your mind clear and give you strength to cope
Therapy will give youthe direction you need to survive on your own You need to get a space a safe haven just for you now take care

Being evicted would be the best thing that could happen to you but I am sure it doesn't feel that way at the moment. You want love from your mother, you deserve love from your mother but your mother doesn't have the capacity to give you real love.

You need to develop friendships with people who appreciate you. That will not happen if you stay with your dysfunctional parents.

(((((( sunset9 )))))) It hurts being thrown out by those who are supposed to care the most (parents - if they even deserve that term). But I do think that leaving them and getting your own place will be a positive step forward and a start to your healing. Let it be your choice (screw them!) I'll be thinking of you and sending you positive energy - I'm really sorry you're in so much pain. Finding a good therapist .....(some or even many are mediocre at best in my humble experience and opinion - dump them too....) will help you more than you'd ever imagine. And finding people who appreciate and care about YOU, which your parents so sadly failed to do.

It sounds like you are in a toxic environment. And if I am honest, I glean an overdependence on your part on your mother and also on your parents' providing you with a roof over your head.

It's time for you to find a way to wean yourself from this dependence on your mother and to establish some other interests and relationships. I agree with the others that you should move out and learn how to live on your own. Maybe then, by developing more self-sufficience, your relationship with your parents can improve. They may be overwhelmed by being your sole source of everything in life (in addition to their own personal issues).

I hope this does not sound too harsh. Please see a therapist and start to explore how you can focus more on enhancing YOUR life (not theirs) to be more fulfilling. I am wishing you all the best.