[teebird37]

I have never done something like this before...post on an online forum. But I am so heartbroken and confused I just need some perspective.

I am 26 years old and have been with the same man for almost 9 years. We both grew up in households that were abusive in different ways and struggled and fought very hard to better our lives, to be the first in our families to go to college, to follow our dreams.

His depression has been an issue from early on, and I have been asking him to get help for years. He will go for a little while, then stop, always saying he doesn't see the point or the therapist is useless. Over the last 3 years, his depressive episodes have become more frequent and more intense. He is never suicidal, but rather isolates himself (he is already socially anxious), plays videogames, shuts me and everyone out, doesn't do things, doesn't bathe, doesn't help around the house, doesn't do his art. He has been emotionally and sexually aloof and absent for so long that I forgot what it was like to have him there. For extended periods of our relatonship he didn't work and would lie about looking for work and often I supported him. Since he left his mother's home I have arranged for all but 1 of his living situations and we have for the most part lived together except for occassional short lived breaks. Our relationship has been tumultuous to say the least and I have tried everything to help him but I know that there's nothing I can do if he won't help himself.

I had a miscarriage in February and he didn't come home to be there with me. He was in a depressive episode I think for some time before that. I am ashamed that I don't always know when he is in a depressive episode or when he is simply treating me badly or fighting a funk, and because I want to be patient and compassionate for his illness, it is hard for me to know how to express my anger and frustration and pain and hurt without damaging his already fragile ego. He feels a lot of shame about the way he treats me which makes it harder because if I get upset I just end up having to comfort him and then I feel bad and responsible for his agony.

About 3 months ago I got a temporary job a few miles away and he asked me to move so he could get some space. We were in couples therapy, He had just started working on some of his own projects and was seeing friends so I thought he was taking initiative to get better - he went to see our couples therapist alone and came back saying he was really depressed- it was one of the few times i've heard him really own up to it. a little later he told me he needed space because he was so depressed and he needed to get his **** together and he didnt want to be hurting me right now, but that he still wanted to be with me and loved me and I expected to move home at the end of my project. (Mind you this apartment was an apartment I'd had to get a few years earlier last minute when I came to college and he told me he didn't want to live with me while he was in another depressive episode - a year later he broke up with me, then when he lost his apartment moved in with me for what was supposed to be temporary but stayed.)

After my project was over he asked me for more time, than gave me 3 weeks notice to find a new place because he didn't want to live with me anymore because he said he is too depressed to be around anyone and he needs to be alone to deal with it and get better. I cant afford my old apartment anymore, mostly because of debt I've racked up trying to support us. But he was still saying he wanted to be with me he was just really depressed.

I have really struggled with how to communicate how hurt and angry I am. I finally got it together to explain to him that I am trying to support him taking initiative to help himself however he needs to (he finally made an appointment for an intake with another therapist, but not after blaming me for months that i didn't give him the number after i gave it to him 3 times). I explained to him that when he was ready to focus on our relationship again that I would need to see that he was really seriously taking care of himself and that he would show with his actions that he was going to be as good to me as he says he wants to be. A few days later he was talking to me as if we had broken up - i was hurt and confused and asked him if he wanted to break up and he told me he thought that's what we were talking about. That made me realize that I was an idiot and for some time he wanted to break up with me but was too cowardly to do it right. A few days later we had another talk and he told me he'd known he didn't want to be with me since I had moved 3 months ago, and that he had no respect for me and had been taking advantage of me because he knew that I would always be there - he told me he couldn't keep up with me and I didn't keep a clean enough house for him and that the relationship was making him depressed. But then again a few days later he communicated to me that no he had only known for the last few weeks he wanted to break up with me but at this point I just can't believe anything he says.

I am still in the process of moving all of my things. I am completely shattered. I thought I was going to grow old with this man, I loved him with all of my heart, and part of me still feels like it is somehow my fault that he is so depressed even though I know better. I feel sick all the time, can't eat, can't sleep. I am crying all the time. And all I want is my boyfriend back. But I can't help but feel like I don't know how long he's actually used me..... the thing that makes this all worse is that he finally has a decent job now and I can't help but feel like on some level he's just used me for years as a crutch through his depression... or some more fundamental cruelty... and now that he has this he doesnt need me anymore.

I feel so pathetic.

I would be so grateful for any help or perspective. I have no idea how i'm going to gget through this. I feel like I lost my partner to depression and I am scared that this trauma is going to pull me right down with him.

[acrazynao]

(((teebird37))) (thats a hug just so ya know) i very much understand where you are coming from. i never (so far) have had the courage to leave a similar situation. loving someone who is depressed can be very challenging especially when they block you out of their healing process/life. you may not like hearing this, but it may be better for you both in the long run to be apart. he is an adult and must make his own life decisions. when you can get out and focus on yourself instead of him or his illness you may find that life has more to offer you. it sounds shallow, but you need to look out for yourself. i married the guy, and now am getting divorced after almost 9 years of struggling with myself and him. maybe we got married to early. if we had been dating i may have been able to leave sooner. i have depression myself, so i kind of understand both sides. men seem to have a propensity to turn inward and isolate. it is nothing against those who care about them, just a safety mechanism. i asked my husband if when he withdraws does anything get better, his was response was no, it just goes away. As for your situation, i wish you the best and the strength to set out on your own to find what you need out of life.

[CedarS]

No matter what, one step at a time, get into the habit of regular food and sleep. This will make an immense difference.

Even if you think you can't eat, find something easy and get a few spoonfuls in. Praise yourself for this and an hour or two later, eat some more.

Eat better and you will be able to get some exercise, even a walk around the block. Eat, get some exercise, sleep will be easier.

You are going through so much and also moving, this is stressful. Good time to keep whatever you can simple and go through the motions of taking good care of yourself.

I speak from experience.

Hello, teebird37. No doubt you will have some grieving to do. I expect with time you will look back and see the breakup as a good thing.

Be well.