[blewinbird]

Hi. I'm new to the board and a bit crazy at the moment, so excuse the rambling and any faux pas I might make. Wow, I don't know where to begin. The prospects of writing this all down, all the crap in my head, seems a bit silly. But, here I go.

I'm at one of the lowest points in my life right now. I've been crying for the past 3 days non stop. Actually, I've been crying for the past few weeks, but I've been able to stop when ever my husband got home. He just left for work, out of the country, for a month - so now I cry and don't stop. I am on medication, but it has stopped working for me for the past month. I am going to go see my doctor next week. I just can't seem to get out of my head that my husband doesn't love me. I know that he loves me, but I'm afraid he doesn't want to anymore. This issue has been in my head since the first day I met him. I know that it's all internal and I have a serious self-esteem issue. When I was single it was easy for me to mask the depression and low self-esteem. Whenever someone got too close, I became aloof and found someone else to date. There was a point where I was dating 4 men at the same time and everyone I knew thought I had it together. I was successful, independent, and I seemed confident.

I was all that, only if I was able to keep people away. Then I met my husband. Instant chemistry and he wouldn't go away. No matter how hard I pushed, he came back and we eventually got married. He was so romantic, emotionally open, and very supportive. He changed when we moved in together. The romance lessen, he clammed up, and he started to feel I was a burden on him. Before getting too close to him, I showed him the real depressed me. I warned him and even made him go see a therapist to learn more about depression. I knew I was depressed. I thought I had it under control, but there were moments when I thought I was losing it. I knew that and wanted him to know before deciding to marry me. Apparently, at the beginning, it was too much for him. It was and my depression was growing.

We worked through that tough period through therapy. Everything seemed ok, but now I don't trust anything he says to me. There is something inside of me that has shut down. I do feel like I don't want to be married to him anymore. I told myself that it was just the depression and I should wait it out. But it's till here. There have been some things he has done and said these past few months that has triggered me to close down. I feel so resentful and angry towards him. I reason to myself that I'm just being a baby and have no right to have any bad feelings towards him. He is supporting me financially, at the moment. He is affectionate. He is not having an affair. What more can I want? Is there anything more I can ask from him as a husband? Dare I ask for more?

I've actually asked for more but he doesn't have it in him to give it to me. I do ask for too much. I learned to live without it, thinking it was too silly of me as a grown woman to need that. One of the things I need from him is undivided attention. The eye to eye contact, a full body hug where he's not looking at something else, or even a simple phone call where there is nothing else he much rather do than listen to me tell him that I love him. What I want is the man who courted me. The man who was eager to spend time with me. Now, I feel he spends time with me out of obligation. He used to call whenever he got the chance. Now, he calls to appease me. We use to make love to make love. Now, it's just sex, and only when he needs it.

The last straw, in my mind, was when he was about to leave. That day we didn't do or say much to each other. He packed and then we watched some tv. The night before he fell asleep. No sex, no affection. I asked him about it and he said that it wasn't important to him and that he was going to be back in 4 weeks. 4 weeks is a lot of time for me to not see him, not touch him, not hear his voice. For him, it was nothing to be that long away from me. Not a big deal. He won't miss me. I don't blame him. I have been a crying ball off crazy lately.

Sorry for such a long post. In the end I know it's me. I'm depressed and lonely without anyone to talk to about this. I've been doing things independent from my husband. It should work, but for some reason, I've just been feeling more alone. I want to walk away and just leave him alone. He doesn't deserve all this grief. There is no amount of affection that will save me from myself. I don't know. I'm confused. Can anyone give me some insight? Thank you, if you have read all of this. Again, sorry for it being so long.

[acrazynao]

Welcome you sound like me when i first started posting. or rather before i started posting but after i got fed up with feeling abandoned by my husband emotionally. if you are going to walk away don't think of it as him "deserving all this grief" you have a right to be happy and feel appreciated. if you choose to walk away do it because you will be a stronger person and a happier person. i didn't walk away (well not yet) i had an affair. probably not the correct response, but i found someone to temporarily take the place of the emotional support i wasn't getting at home. it is hard to believe that "there is no amount of affection that will save me from myself" i have felt similar, but i have to believe that there is a way to over come that insecurity. i haven't always been so insecure but have grown more so due to my husbands lack of attention and caring. i have to hope there is a way for both of us to go back to feeling more stable and in control. him avoiding you is not a natural response for someone who cares about the other person. i realized how bad my marraige had gotten when we stopped hugging before we left the house or upon our return home. it got to where i didn't even miss it which was weird since for the 8 years we were together i always had loved the feeling of coming home to him or him coming home. i get told that the spark in relationships can dim and return. right now i hope that is true, and if not that i am strong enough to walk away

[blewinbird]

Thank you for your response. While I agree with you that my husband's actions might have something to do with how I feel, I need to take responsibility of my depression. I am at a all time low at the moment. It's so confusing, frustrating, and very easy to just dump all this on my relationship. Yes, it might have to do with some of it, but I think I'm in no position to make any decisions until I snap out of this funk.
My husband is affectionate, just not as affectionate as I would like him to be. I guess I'm asking where do I draw the line from appropriate and really just being too needy. Something I need to figure out, I guess.
I see walking away, for my situation, as something I've done way too much and very easy. Being strong, to me, is to stay and try to work this out. I think? I'm just too raw to know what's up right now. Thanks for reading my rant and responding. You did make me feel as though I'm not all together crazy!