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#1
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I've posted on here before regarding the problems/issues and we started seeing a therapist lately. I am not sure where it will take us but it is worth a try when you love someone instead of giving up.
My boyfriend that I have been dating for 10 months , has anxiety/depression problems I am getting to the point where I do not know does it use it as an excuse or if he is just plain rude. I've been under a lot of stress and pressure from work and school and of course the relationship as well. Couple of weeks ago , I had a minor break down. I was stressed and all over the place. I had a few issues with my professor at school which resulted me to get very stressed. I tried to get some comfort through my own boyfriend but he was very analytical and basically was not able to provide any support. I wasn't asking for advise, I just needed someone to listen and be comforting. The stuff he said made me feel as I was needy. We talked about this at therapy and he said he will try to be more comforting next time. I let that go but it did affect me. I came home the other day and saw him eating dinner, he had actually made dinner but for himself. I was at work and class all day, therefore I got home around 11 pm. I wasn't hungry to the point I wanted his food, I was just sadden by the fact that he didn't think to ask if I woiuld like some when preparing the meal. Given the fact that I love to cook, every Sunday I prepare a meal for us and more for the week since we are both so busy. I usually cook him breakfast, lunch on occasion and when I am out eating or grocery shopping I would always think of him and get him something. I thought he was a bit selfish of not thinking of me, and his never cooked a meal for me. I talked to him about it we didn't argue I told him how I felt. He said sorry and didn't think I was hungry, but how would he know if he didn't ask and his seen me every time when I came home eating because I am hungry after a long day of work and school. I let that go, but stuff like that affects me and saddens me to see how he can be and to add on to the rest of the stuff in the relationship. Last night, I decided to reorganize the closet since it was a mess. He had a broken plastic tubbawear drawer and I had an extra one that wasn't broken. I figured it would be a good idea and a nice gesture to swap it out and give him the one that was not broken. As he peeped his head into the closet he says " I don't want you going through my stuff" I was a bit hurt, I was only trying to do something good for him. I didn't see me as going through his stuff when I transfered stuff to one drawer to another. It made me feel like he was hiding something. Then I saw my socks in his sock drawer so I grabbed it, he said the same thing. I am a bit confused. At this point, I want to figure out, if what I did was wrong before I talk to him again. With all the situations I always try to find if there was something that I had done wrong. Because its getting to the point where its him and not me and it shouldn't be a crime to be nice. Thanks for listening. Last edited by Missquestions; Nov 03, 2010 at 09:23 AM. |
![]() lynn P.
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#2
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I agree with you and I don't think you're over reacting in all the examples you gave. If he's going through the effort to make a dinner, why not make enough for you too, even if you're not hungry, it could be saved for the next day. When a man makes the effort to cook for a woman, it's a very nice gesture. Men cooking as a surprise can be a real turn on. He should be more considerate. I want to point out, I don't think your partner is being rude on purpose and he just needs you to explain how this makes you feel.
With the closet problem - I'm sort of in the middle on that one. Maybe you could have said - "I noticed your drawer was broken and I have a good one....would you like me to give it too you or put in in myself"?? But really it's not a big deal IMO. Regarding support - if he's normally analytical then it's tricky getting him to relate to your emotions. Also sometimes if men aren't comfortable with emotions being expressed - they're not sure what to say or do....so they play it safe and don't do anything lol. So for next time, you may have to clearly say what you're hoping to get from him - you can also let him know for example...you're just want to vent and he doesn't have solve the problem but a hug would be nice.
__________________
![]() ![]() *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) |
#3
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Hello, Missquestions. Print your post for the next therapy session and have the therapist guide you.
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![]() lynn P.
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#4
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Hi Lynn.
He said its hard for him not to give advise but when he does he is a bit cold. I told him I just wanted to vent and a nice and comfort would be nice but he said he can't do that if he is being himself. The therapist said that this is a tricky situation bc women like people to listen and not give advise. The closet thing, I guess you are right maybehe needs his space and privacy. I can't just be nice and not for him to react the way he does at times. The cooking thing is solved but last night he was joking withme and asked if I had made him something to eat. I told him no and I didn't let him touch the food that i had bought for work. |
![]() lynn P.
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#5
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Quote:
I plan too, I started documenting everything that happens so that way it will be easier to bring up. |
#6
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I agree with Byz - that would be a good idea.
__________________
![]() ![]() *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) |
#7
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It mostly sound like you two have a major communications problem. You are doing things (changing out the drawer) you think are X and he's doing things (not making you food) because he thinks Y but neither of you are either checking with the other as to what they think or "knocking on the door and asking permission" to enter the other's life before entering.
You decided to mess with his stuff/drawers. Doesn't matter what your motive was, whether good, bad, innocent, or devious ![]() He decided you would not be hungry, would not want any of the food he was fixing to eat. I'm not sure if you were home yet? But if you were, he could be asked to practice and learn (it's not automatic; we do what we have learned to do, usually in our former lives as children of our parents) to ask a simple question, "Would you like some of this food I'm fixing?" If you were not home yet when he started fixing himself something to eat, you have to pointedly let him know, earlier in the day when you are together, "If you're going to be fixing yourself something to eat tonight, would you include enough for me? I anticipate I'll be home around X o'clock and I'll be starving by then!" We have to let the other people know what we need, they aren't mind readers. Look at you, you thought he wanted his Tupperware bins traded and he didn't! If you had said something like, "I see you have your stuff in a broken bin here but have a whole one next to it, would you like me to swap your stuff out so it's in the good bin instead of the broken one?" He might have been saving the unbroken one for something else or not think the whole thing was worth taking the time for. It sounds like you did it to get his "thank you" and feel appreciated? Doesn't work like that, being appreciated has to come from the other person, can't be expected or maneuvered into. You'll only end up feeling resentful and even used if you try to use other people to make yourself feel good. Only what you do for you can help your self-esteem. Yes, you can feel good doing something for someone else but that is its only reward. Expecting other people to act or feel the way you want them to, especially without letting them know what you want, can't work because they are working on their own lives and goals, not yours.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
#8
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Hi Perna,
Its great to hear from you again, you always seem to give some really reasonable advise. You are right abou tnot knowing what he is thinking and its basically a guessing game and we need to work on our communication. We have been talking about that during therapy though. I have an issue of needing to feel appreciated because I feel like I am always being taken for granted. I think if I try not to do as much for him and just cut back and just do things for me that would be better. And if he is not that type of person that appreciates I cannot make him and do things to get a thank you and that makes a lot of sense to me. I guess man and women are just too different. |
#9
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Perna is spot on. It's all about communication and expressing your needs in a healthy way. Good luck with the T appt.
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