[OrangeMoira]

When my husband hurts my feelings and my anger flares up, I get stuck for hours or days. I don't talk, and I get so full of rage that it hurts.

I can't start to calm down until he's away from me and I'm certain he won't try to communicate with me. His presence is fuel to the fire.

We fought four hours ago over a stupid misunderstanding. I know it. I'm so tired but I can't bring myself to go to bed because he'll be there and I'll be seething because I have to be next to him. I'll have bad dreams, wake up angry, and be angry for most of tomorrow. We'll talk tomorrow or the next day and then it will all release and I'll be fine.

It's our pattern. I hate it so much. We're getting better--it used to happen at least weekly without fail, and we didn't always resolve the big issues under the little misunderstandings the way we do now. But I'm so tired of it.

I hate how angry I get. I hate fighting with him. I wish I could just forgive him, but my inside parts are so delicate...when I imagine not getting mad I get scared like he'll walk all over me and yell at me. I know that's a family of origin problem and not something he'd do. I know it but...I don't really know it yet. I feel like such a mean freak, like I'm broken and I'm going to break him.

I will keep trying to get better at this. I'm glad I can vent a little here. I don't have any friends who are married, and everyone close to me is close to him, too. I don't think it's right to talk to them about him. This helps! Maybe I can sleep...

[Leed]

Hi ~ I know what you mean. I am familiar with that kind of resentment because my "ex" used to get me SO mad ~ and frequently too! I didn't want to go to bed either cause if I did, I'd probably slit his throat! LOL Gosh, he could make me mad, and some of the things he said were really mean and hurtful.

Then I heard something that made sense: "Resentment is the poison I take to kill you." Isn't that the truth?? Here we are, madder than heck at someone who doesn't even KNOW it! We're carrying around this horrible resentment against this person who is SOUND ASLEEP - and doesn't know we're resenting the daylights out of him ~ so all we're doing is hurting US. We aren't hurting them at all. If they could at LEAST know that we're stewing over this, it would be one thing, but they don't have a clue! So here we are making ourselves sicker and sicker over this, while they're getting much needed sleep that WE should be getting. How do you like that!!

When I heard that, I could have screamed, I was so flabbergasted. Here I was doing all that resenting for so long and all I had done was hurt myself. I'd never even considered that before. How dumb could I be?? Obviously pretty dumb cause I'm not the only person who's done this ~ Millions of people do it every day. LOL

Now I try not to let anyone live in my head rent free anymore. If they're gonna stay up there they've gotta pay.

God bless and please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[OrangeMoira]

You're so right about it hurting the resenter more than the resened person (if they even know). Totally self-defeating and doesn't solve the problem. I'm gonna remember that quote!

[sunrise]

My therapist says behind resentment there is hope. A hope that things can be different and better. If we didn't want things to improve, we would care less, and not be resentful. What is behind the resentment? Is it telling you what you do want in life or in your relationship? Is what you truly want shared with your partner? If you both want the same thing, then that is a good starting point. Next is building the skills to make that happen.

When people fight for 4 hours over a "little misunderstanding", what are they getting out of that? If they know it is a misunderstanding, why don't they say so and straighten things out, instead of fighting for 4 hours? I don't have the answers. Maybe both people are getting something out of the fight (stimulation? relieving of other stressors in their lives?) if they choose that instead of a clarification to relieve the misunderstanding. Or, maybe sometimes it is that we get stuck in these non-productive patterns and do reach a point where we have had enough and won't do it anymore and are exhausted. Reaching that point of exhaustion can be a good thing, as then we are willing to consider alternatives. If you find a good couples therapist, he/she might be able to help you through. With entrenched patterns (if that is what is happening here), it can sometimes take an "outsider" to pull us free.

Good luck.

[OrangeMoira]

I think a couples counselor could help, too, but I'm scared because I think their tools will be for "well" people. The non-scared part of my brain says that I'm rationalizing because I'm afraid of being vulnerable, and that I could just try it and see!

We don't really "fight." He can say or do any innocent thing and I can get hurt or irritated because of my own mental issues. If he knows I'm upset he gets flooded and silent. That makes me feel like he thinks of me as a scary monster, or that he doesn't care enough to talk to me. My fear/anger/abandonment/guilt feelings blow up worse, and my brain gets on the cognitive distortion train: "he always does this, we'll never work out, I have to get away, he should understand by now, I'm an awful person for fighting, he's a jerk..." Then I do my passive anger thing and hide...and seethe.

We've done enough work on our issues to see the pattern and forgive ourselves and each other afterward. Sometimes we can stop in the middle or shorten the bad times, but not always. We're getting better. It just hurts so much to be in it!

I've never thought about hope and resentment being related, but it's true that resentment happens because I wish things were better. Otherwise it would just be dislike. But until we get better, hope + perfectionism + black and white thinking + tiny disappointing thing = HUGE PILE OF RESENTMENT AND FEELINGS. I could do without the huge pile!

This gave me a lot to think about. I am feeling much better today. Thanks so much for the perspective!!

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