[celticmasque]

Where to start, my wife of 6 years recently found her Faith, and started going to a Southern Baptist Church, to begin with this was ok with me, the finding Faith part especially, now, Im not a religious man, I was raised C.of.E (Christian) and I am spiritual, but lost site of true Faith. Anyway, after a few weeks of going to church I noticed changes in her attitude, her demeanor, the way she talks to me, everything. I told her I had fears about losing her to church, and she reasurred me this was not going to happen, and they re-enforce family values. Yet this rift continued to grow, communication became sporadic at best and always led to arguments, where she just sits there looking/acting 'holyier than thou' and saying this is what she wants now, Faith, church, church friends, etc. I asked her what about her relationship with me? she insisted that nothing had changed, yet her friends, my friends that know her and most of all myself, noticed changes in her, some of them were good, self improvement, stronger will, but then the obsessive parts, the 'you need to come to church with me'. Over the next few weeks this has become unbareable, I cant sleep next to her, I have very negative feelings about her, and myself, I get angry, sometimes verbally abusive statements, I cant control myself, I feel like I have lost her to this church, and it upsets me, makes me feel so hurt, so useless, so angry with her, but mostly with myself, I have tried to talk to her many times on this matter, on how this new part of her scares me and makes me think that this marriage is coming to an end, and all she does is say 'well if that what YOU want, then do it', it always seems as if im on the blame end of this. I wrote somethings down for her today, saying that i still love her deeply and i had no intention of leaving her, but i told her she needed to contribute more financially to this relationship (she doesnt work much, maybe 10-15 hrs a week and the amount she earns per month doesnt even pay off the car payment) so i try to work more hours to earn more money to cover this, but i cant do it alone. It came to a crunch today when yet again we were talking, it started off ok, not good, but ok and went downhill fast, to the point where she told me i mentally abuse her, and she is terrified of me physically do it also ( I have never hit her in 5 years) and we got into such an argument that she stormed out, took a phone and called her 'church friend' and told her to come get her, she was crying and telling me not to talk to her nor touch her, all i asked was for her to come inside and calm down, i even texted her to bring her friend if she was worried about me, but i do not know what i did wrong? I got angry with her refusing to listen to how i feel and she got angry with me but i dont know why. As you can see this is just the surface of my problem and i do need help, emotionally, relationship wise and probably mentally as well.

Yours Celticmasque

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Celtic,

Welcome to pc. Your relationship sounds complicated but not unusual. Church has a terrible habit of changing people and brainwashing them into believing only the words of the bible and only that particular churches interpretation of those words.

The southern baptists are very particular that god doesn't want you to be married to someone who isn't a southern baptist. Your wifes words "If thats what you want then you do it" is very typical of someone who is manipulating and controlling. Trying to get you to leave so that none of it is her fault. But that is a common scenario in most marriages that are in trouble.

To be fair however you need to acknowledge that you may well have changed towards her because you resent the church and its influence over her and her new attitude. She does have the right to choose for herself what and how things influence her, and she may see something in you that was not there before she started attending church and feeling safe or secure.

Anger will not solve or fix the problems you have personally. All that can happen there is a spiraling down into more anger. Remember that what fuels you feeds you and what feeds you strengthens its hold on you.

Maybe you could see your GP and ask him for help by getting a referral to a psych and maybe some medication to help you to balance out and help you to see things a little clearer? I don't know what you prefer in that situation so I'm only offering possibilities which may have a positive impact. Medication isn't for everyone and I don't suggest it is at all, but there seems to be an underlying issue for you which needs dealing with.

I really wish you the best and hope that things are resolved for you both.

[kitty004567]

Is couples therapy (or even therapy just for you) an option? It didn't save my last relationship but helped me understand why it failed. I hope you find your way.