[Jenn1fer82]

I grew up having a deep feeling to want to keep my family together, to fight for them and to hold on to my own dream that I can have the stable family. unfortunately I didn't have that stable foundation but at the end of the day I put aside my pride and pull my family together and keep us together.

My boyfriend's views about his own family is very different than mine and its hard to understand and it worries me that if we dont have the same family values then how will that affect us.

We've been talking about our plans for the holidays. I ask him what he would like to do for his family and he said he doesn't want to do anything. No gifts and we dont have to visit them. He told me not to worry about it because it wouldn't matter and for me to not stress so much about it. He felt that last xmas his family didn't put any thought into him so he doesn't want to invest anytime with gifts this year.

I said why won't we visit his grandma for christmas and take her out to eat or something. He said he doesn't want to deal with seeing his Dad so we're not going to visit his grandma. I ask why can't he put aside his anger with his Dad and visit his Grandma, it is the holiday. He told me he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

No matter how hard things can get with my family, we always find away to come back together but with my bf it seems like he doesn't need that type of connection wit his family right now. Its as thought he's thrown his hands up and doesn't want to deal with his family.

With different views about family will this affect our own future? is this something I should be worried about?

[Leed]

I'd be a little concerned. Especially the way he just shuts down - won't talk about it anymore. If that's the way he deals with things, then you're going to have problems. If everything that bothers him is put in a box and crated up, and can't be opened again, then your problems aren't going to be solved. No one can live together like that for very long. I'd be seriously thinking about ending this relationship. You may love him, but somewhere down the line things are going to become impossible. Don't wait until you have children to decide to get out.

My ex was much like that - I was the idiot and he knew it all ~ so he thought. I stood it for 26 years, and finally I'd had enough. I'm a slow learner. Actually I waited til the kids were grown because of a threat he made. Then I divorced him - I thought he'd kill me.

Best of luck - I wish you the very best. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Skully]

I can understand where you are coming from and it is a great thing to have the type of family values that you have. I wish I were that lucky. There could be a lot of unresolved issues he has with his father that he is not ready to deal with. I have a lot of issues with my father who physically and verbally abused me most of my life. I do not want to be anywhere around him, holidays or regular days. So I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from.

The best thing to do is talk to him about family values and having children. Let him know how you feel and your concerns. My brother has raised his kids the complete opposite my father raised us. That may be the case with your boyfriend. You never know unless you talk to him about it
If he refuses to talk about it then keep on asking him. Just pick a different day. If he continues to refuse, then I would start to think about your future and reality.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Jennifer,

I can understand how you are concerned. I agree with Skully and I think Skully hit on some very important points, especially the unresolved issues which would disincline him to want to invest anything when he is not considered or considered important enough for them to make an effort.

I honestly don't think he shut down on you; if you re-read what you wrote, by your explanation he gave you the reason which was their not making an effort, and that he didn't want to deal with his father, and didn't want to go into why. He gave you enough information and wanted the matter ended at that.

As you grow together and show him the consideration his family did not, you will find that he responds to that in kind. He did make it clear that it was the lack of care and consideration from his family which is the cause of his feelings; he isn't just saying it for no reason. He is asserting his feelings nothing more.

Please don't be too concerned or stirred up, you could find as you grow to know some of his family that you feel the same way about them. I know I couldn't love DJ's family if they didn't love him, but because they show him unconditional love, I am able to love them that way. He is just wonderful to me so if they had been mean to him I would want to know why yes, but not to the point that I would pry; I'd wait until he was ready to discuss it.

Give him some credit hon, he didn't arc up or get nasty, he didn't turn on you and put you down.

Rhiannon

[Jenn1fer82]

Thank you Rhian, you really helped put things into perspective for me. I didn't realize everything he had told me last night was his way to clue me in on his feelings and how he feels about his family is very overwhelming. I was too quick to think that he was only trying to brush me off and not want to deal with anything. Thank you again!

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Hello Jennifer,

I can understand how you are concerned. I agree with Skully and I think Skully hit on some very important points, especially the unresolved issues which would disincline him to want to invest anything when he is not considered or considered important enough for them to make an effort.

I honestly don't think he shut down on you; if you re-read what you wrote, by your explanation he gave you the reason which was their not making an effort, and that he didn't want to deal with his father, and didn't want to go into why. He gave you enough information and wanted the matter ended at that.

As you grow together and show him the consideration his family did not, you will find that he responds to that in kind. He did make it clear that it was the lack of care and consideration from his family which is the cause of his feelings; he isn't just saying it for no reason. He is asserting his feelings nothing more.

Please don't be too concerned or stirred up, you could find as you grow to know some of his family that you feel the same way about them. I know I couldn't love DJ's family if they didn't love him, but because they show him unconditional love, I am able to love them that way. He is just wonderful to me so if they had been mean to him I would want to know why yes, but not to the point that I would pry; I'd wait until he was ready to discuss it.

Give him some credit hon, he didn't arc up or get nasty, he didn't turn on you and put you down.

Rhiannon