[wounded1]

OMG, how do I explain all of this? I will give you the basic dynamics: My older sister and I were raised by a single parent mother who never remarried. She had a boyfriend for seven years (when I was 5-12), but that's a whole other story. My sister was a very defiant child, my mom (who was an abused child and an abused wife) hit her (or rather they would hit each other) until my sister was fourteen, then the light bulb came on and she stopped. Out of guilt, my mom has always let my sister run her life and our family. I moved to another city at nineteen to get away from it.

My sister has always been the arrogant, harsh, never had many friends type. I knew when we were growing up that this was her defense mechanism, but even as an adult she is still that way to those of us in her family. She lived with my mom until she got married at 29. She entered medical school at 32. Although her marriage was over for her two years in, she stayed with him and had a son before residency. My mom offered to have them move into her house and she would act as a nanny so my sister could finish school. My mom became my nephew's mother. My sister is a doctor now, my nephew is six, and my mom is his full time guardian while my sister travels to work (and to Las Vegas whenever the mood strikes her.)

They moved to where my husband and I are, and we all live in the same city once again, (they all still live together). While the first year they were here was OK, the last six months or so have been nothing but fighting. My sister says whatever she thinks to me, my husband and friends think she is downright rude, and she seems to take pleasure in the financial struggles my husband and I are going through right now (we were dumb enough to borrow money from her once, which she thought gave her the right to be even more condescending to me). We had a blow out a few months back, I kicked her out of my house after she laughed in my face about my husband and I not being able to afford a mortgage, and after holding my tongue for the last year about her behavior and the situation she's put our mother in, finally spoke my mind to her in an email. We haven't spoken since.

My sister has been away more than she's been home in the last year, leaving my mom to deal with her frustrating husband and to raise her child. My (65 year old) mom is tired all the time, angry all the time, and defensive about my nephew. Today my mom and I had a fight because I told her my nephew had been mean to my son yesterday. She took this as an attack on my nephew, and told me I favor my youngest son, shun my oldest, I think everything is someone else's fault, if she was my sister she would tell me to go "f" myself etc. etc. All I've ever heard my whole life is how selfish I am, how dramatic I am, etc. I have spent the greater part of the last fifteen years trying to figure myself out (yes, I've had therapy), and understanding who I am, but they both still have no clue. They both have this preconcieved notion of the person I was and am. They hear what they want to hear when I talk, question my motives for everything, and think I "judge", when it's they two of them who have created some sort of competition within our family. I finally sent them both an email today saying I'm tired of explaining myself to them, and that I don't care what kind of sister, daughter, mother or person they think I am, I'm not going to let them make me feel bad.

My son's birthday is next week. The holidays are coming and my family is very small. How do I deal with them through all of it?

[Leed]

Hi --- I think first of all, you need to decide if you really WANT to deal with them this Christmas/holiday season. There is no law saying that you HAVE to. If you would rather not, then just spend this holiday season with your husband and kids -- and let it go at that. It would be much calmer, nicer, and cozier. But if you feel you HAVE to include them, then prepare yourself for drama - and probably ruining another Christmas.

Are you speaking to anyone yet? Or are you still on non-speaking terms? Who is going to host the goings-on? Do they expect YOU to do it??

As for your son's birthday, it's up to them to bring a gift to him if they're going to. (they should!!) If you had planned on a big party for him, it's up to you to ask them - or not. If your son is having friends over, I doubt he'd want grandma and auntie hanging around. If it's family only, then I guess I'd ask them

But Christmas - if you're "supposed" to host it, you can beg off -- it's expensive and you can't afford to. If someone else is hosting - you don't HAVE to go. It will cause hurt feelings if you don't, but you're probably not on very good terms right now anyway.

It sounds to me like all of you need family counseling. Can you get your Mom and sister to go with you?? This needs to get straightened out before you lose each other for good. And family is all anyone has. Family is precious - you need each other, if you can figure out how to get along. See if they'll go to counseling. Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[wounded1]

I had a major fight with my mom, and figured out that the strain in our relationship boils down to two events: me leaving my hometown at 19 and "desserting" her, and going wedding dress shopping eight years ago with a girlffriend instead of her (she had the flu - I had to hurry, I was relocating to the U.S. from Canada to get married, and wanted to make sure the dress was ready in time). She hasn't "forgiven" me for either. My sister wrote me today that she never wants anything to do with me ever again, and I'm fine with that. She also says she won't be seeing our family at Christmas, but will "send gifts" - which shows just how much my kids mean to her. My husband has been a great friend to me today, and has helped me to understand that at 65 and 42, neither of them will change and I have to accept that. You're right Lee, at the end of the day all we have is family, but my husband and kids are all the family I need. I can't continue to be "wrong", and for them to be "right", I can't take the drama.

Thanks again for the words of advice. It's always easier to deal with the craziness in my life when I get such wonderful support from the people here.

Happy Holidays!