[scaredallthetime]

Hi all,

I am new to this site, so I apologize if I am posting in the wrong place. I am still trying to figure this all out

The "short short" story is that for the past 20+ years I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. I pretty much learned how to deal with it (minimize stress, don't talk about myself, focus on his needs) but now with out oldest son chronically ill (leukemia), it has gotten hard to continue.

Our son as I said is chronically ill. We are exploring all options. We are hoping he can have a bone marrow transplant but that is still up on the air.

Another therapy his hematologist wants to try is experimental. The treatment DOES have have merit as far as outcomes, but I just found out yesterday that this treatment will not be covered by our insurance. That means we will have to bear the brunt of the treatment ourselves, and the costs is over $100,000.

I have already explored if any compassionate organizations will cover the treatment and they will NOT (because it is not FDA approved).

So now I am left with the issue of having to explain to my husband this situation....and I am terrified.

I don't honestly know how to deal with him. Everytime he has to face a stressful situation, he become emotionally abusive to me. He calls me names, tells me I am worthless and threatens to leave with the kids so he can provide for them.

Logically I know this is all bogus (also the kids are both now technically ADULTS, so he can't take them anywhere)....but whenever this happens, I always disassociate and can't defend myself or my children. Then, when it is over, I look back and kick myself because I withdrew into my own little world and wasn't able to defend either myself or my children.

I KNOW this conversation is coming..What I don't know how to do is to stop this cycle from repeating.

If anyone has any experience with a similar situation, I really would like to hear it.

[RomanSunburn]

Welcome to PC, I hope you are able to find the support and understanding that you desperately need in your life right now.

I have to warn you, my advice might not be super helpful, I'm fairly young, no children of my own, and no first hand experience with your problem, but I wanted to offer you want I can.

I'm very sorry to hear about your son. Leukemia, and cancer in general, is an awful, awful thing that doesn't make sense to anyone, especially to those who's lives it has touched. My aunt is battling a brain tumor right now. I know that her treatment is also experimental (she is doing very well right now) and also costs a fortune. But, I believe that the experiment might actually be helping to pay for it (She has four kids, two of which are in college right now, so I really don't know how else they would be able to afford it). Perhaps you could get in touch with the people that are running the experiment and talk to them about financing it -- they must have some sort of ideas on how to help, especially since they must know how expensive it is and that not many foundations will help cover costs since it is not FDA approved. If they can't help, you could also try to have some sort of fund raising drive to pay for his treatment. I'm not sure how this would work, but I know they've been done.

Next, I'm very sorry that you're husband takes his stress and anxiety out by controlling you. Perhaps before you have this conversation, you could write everything out that you want to say, that you think he will say, and you're responses to what he says to help keep you from freezing up. You could also try writing him a letter and giving it to him just before you leave the house for some errands -- that might give him time to calm down before you return (this might be a better way to approach the problem of the way he talks to you and not the best way to inform him about the financial predicament).

You might also want to consider going into therapy to work on your self esteem. Right now, the most important thing, is taking care of you, making sure you are in as good of a place as possible, so then you can take care of and support your son. You are both going to need a lot of love and comforting, understanding and support right now.

I wish you the very best. Please keep us updated on how you are doing!


Ro

[Leed]

Hi ~ It sounds like you're married to my ex. Also, when my son was a little boy, HE had leukemia too!!
My ex was a very emotionally, pschologically abusive man. He was controlling, jealous (for no reason!), and extremely hard on the kids. I stayed with him for 26 years because i was afraid to leave because he said he'd take my kids where I'd NEVER find them ~ and he WOULD too. So I waited until both kids were 18 or over, and then i divorced him.

But when it came down to the health or welfare of one of my kids, i was like a LIONESS -- I'd kill anyone who would jeopardize my kids! LOL And that meant HIM too if he ever once laid a hand on them or refused to let my son get the treatment he needed.

Can you take your son to St. Jude's Children's Hospital?? No one is turned away because of money!! It's there where all the treatment originates, usually, so if this experimental program is going on, they would be doing it there too. If you don't have the funds to pay for it, I'm sure they'd accept HIM in the program ~ IF the protocol isn't already full. They might be able to tell you of any hospital closer to you has openings for entries into the experimental programs so you wouldn't have to PAY. I find it ridiculous that they are asking you to pay NOW since it IS experimental. Usually in these cases, they don't charge -- at least they didn't used to. It would behoove you to check at St. Judes tho and see what they say.

I wish you the very best of luck. I know what you're dealing with as far as your husband goes. Keep a ball bat handy! LOL Big hugs, Lee

[Tatyana2009]

Dear one.

Welcome to pc. I m so sorry your son is ill. What an unjust and sad thing. I wish you all good health and strength.

Dealing with rhis is hard as it is. Then on top - dealing with abuse partner at the same time makes it so atressful that i m concerned about u. Can u use therapy? If only to provide some respite...

As for your question - how to approach him - well, try to do sone relaxation techniques before the conversation. Then go sit in front of him and keep noth feet on the ground. Hands gently resting in your lap. Then be aware of youe body. Take deep breathes and speak slowly. I would start by saying that i find the whole situation very overwhelming and i know its hard for you too. I ve been thinking what to do and researched a little and here is what i found......etc.

If at any point he interupts - stay calm. Take deep breathe and say with no eye contact - i would like you to let me finish. If he does not - say it again. If he still doesnt then get up and leave the room. Do something else. Next time u r in a room together open the window, light a candle. Dont talk about this. Then when time passed and u r comfortable try again. Same routine.

I would like to point - if u feel overwhelmed by his remarks its because he is being abusive and your reactions are normal. Font beat yourself for it! Finding a clinical way - such as the above - may help in reducing anxiety and getting the message across. Good luck! Let me know how goes.

Best wishes to you and your son x