[Charlie Fox]

My boyfriend stays very close with at least three of his ex-girlfriends. We met over a year ago and got close through email, etc while he was out of the country. During that time, he had a girlfriend that he told me was basically on the outs with but never actually got the chance to formally break it off. When he returned about five months ago, he broke up with her for me. Before that time, he was, at least physically, pretty honorable, although it was certainly emotional infidelity to some extent. Now, she has started contacting him again. He talks to her frequently, has met up with her for lunch twice recently. He always tells me about it. Doesn't hide it. She sends him gifts. She does not know about me and he won't let me come to events where their mutual friends will be. He says this is because she has mental health problems and he fears for her safety if she finds out.
His most significant ex he is even more close with. He stays at her house about half of the week. She lives two hours away but is the mother of a two year old child he is helping to raise. This part is complicated, but if you know the back story seems understandable. He loves the child and is the only father figure he has. It is not his child, but they owned a home together where she lived when the child was born. When he stays there, he rarely answers calls from me, often "falls asleep early" with the little boy. I have not met the little guy, although I have seen countless pictures. He is also very close with her. They are good friends. They talk every day. About the child he says, but that's not totally true. He is a huge support for her, and I believe she is for him as well. When I am with him and he speaks to her on the phone, I have to be quiet. He says this is because she would freak out about me being in the house and then he would have to deal with her and fight with her. They have been broken up for three years.
The third ex is his first love. She lives 3000 miles away but they text daily and chat. They talk on the phone about once a week. Email each other, send pictures. He will show me the messages when I ask, but mostly is very protective of his phone. Even takes it in the bathroom with him when he showers. I only really found out their relationship was so close because I happened upon some emails where she was very inappropriate, calling him her long distance lover, etc. She continues to be inappropriate, saying how she misses him and how great they would be together. He claims he has let her know that she is being inappropriate and he is with me. But it seems that he still feeds into it. He tells me they have maintained the long distance friendship for years, through two past girlfriends. But one of her texts said that they had only begun heavy contact a few months ago. He claims that their level of contact goes up and down through the years. He refused to do facebook.
Is this normal? There seem to be explanations for everything, and he at least presents as being very open and forthcoming with this information. Still, I can't seem to shake the feeling that I am being deceived. The strange thing is that he is really into me and spends a lot of time with me. If he were really running all these schemes, why would he be so awesome with me? I can't wrap my head around it. I want so badly to trust him. If he is being totally honest and honorable, how do I shake this feeling? What can help?

[IceCreamKid]

I think it might help you if you focus on what you want in your own relationship(s)--this or any other relationship. I knew someone like you describe and he told me some of the same stuff you have listed here. I don't think he meant me any harm, but he was going to have other women in his life and that was it, and it did upset me. I didn't want that. End of story. Sometimes we meet really great people who are wonderful in many ways, but also, at the same time, there are deal-breakers connected to being with them. I get the impression this might be the deal-breaker for you, and if him seeing a gaggle of other women is distressing to you, maybe it should be, and you should move on to someone who is sincere about committing to you, and you only.

[Perna]

I think he has too much of a good thing; all these women who he thinks "need" him and make him feel good about himself. It does not sound like something I would want to be part of; he has no reason to change so you will have to decide if you like the environment he has created for himself or feel crowded out. It's not "wrong" but it doesn't sound like something I would want for myself? He'll never be exclusive to you, which is pretty much what a good relationship is about? Leave him for a woman who doesn't want a full-time man?

Pretend you marry him, buy a house and have 2.5 kids; he'll still be texting and spending emotional time with the other women, helping raise the non-son, etc. Would that be what you'd want? The non-son raising takes time, money, and emotional investment; do you want to contribute more so he can contribute that to someone else and their child?

[Charlie Fox]

I really appreciate this advice and there is some great insight in there. He does feel needed by these girls. I just don't want "moving on" to be my first option. I can say that in the past I have been ok with having other girls in my boyfriend's life. I dated a musician for five years, we lived together and have a child together. He went on tour regularly, and I had seen "groupies" pawing after him. I was ok with it. I totally trusted him. I can't seem to remember what it was that made that different other than just gut feelings. I also have complications in my life and come with my own baggage. I have a six year old son from my previous relationship, and have to maintain contact with his father for obvious reasons. The time required for child rearing isn't the problem for me. I guess my point is that I can be ok with some compromises and let some things slide. Sometimes I do feel fine with all of it and feel confident in our relationship and his feelings for me that it doesn't bother me. Then sometime, I put all these points together as I did in this post and I get totally neurotic and ruminate on it. He is a really great person and I know he would do nearly anything I asked to help me feel more secure. I just need to know what the right things to ask are. Would having him talk to them with me listening help? Or asking if I can talk to or meet them? Is it ok for me to refuse to keep quiet? Is it totally selfish and awful for me to demand he tell his ex about me even if it will send her into a deep dark depression? Should I snoop or spy? Am I just being insecure and should just give it time to work out?