[midnight_soul]

I am very fearful that my one and only true love, my husband, afraid we aren't going to make it. Every time something good happens for us....it is immediately followed by freaking hell. I won't elaborate because it would take a book to explain however, we are both so drained that we don't seem to be in the same room even though we really are. He looks right through me, forgot our 3 anniversary, and he just seems like he doesn't care about me as I NEED. We argue so much, we both make promises that don't last etc.

The two most recent examples are:
I can't work due to my acute pain because of so many surgeries BUT...before Christmas I found odd jobs around town doing very hard core work to earn money for gifts for my kids, and a surprise for him. When we got married I had no money and had to get one of those cheap wedding bands that got all scratched up and all the white gold wore off making it just look awful. I always wanted to give him the one he wanted so....with the money I had left over I DID IT. It is the Titanium comfort fit band that is kind of grayish in color wrapped with white gold (meaning a thin white gold circle on each end) This is the one he had ALWAYS wanted. I gave it to him for Christmas expecting him to just acknowledge me with something, I have never asked him for material things but always enjoyed his gifts from the heart such as writing something beautiful for me, or romantic things from his heart. Anyway, I gave it to him on Christmas Eve with telling him this was a renewal of my love for him. He cried and told me he LOVED it showing it off with such great pride. I waited and waited for something from him.....nothing ever came.

2nd example: For our 3 anniversary of marriage (we have actually been a couple for 7 yrs) considering we are so broke I came up with a great idea. I made him a scrapbook of "my life". I couldn't do the ones you see that cost tons of money buying all the beautiful things you do in scrap booking so I bought a real scrap book, and from there went to the dollar store getting colored pages, construction paper, stickers and two of those design scissors to make all my own designs. I put pictures from my very first baby picture followed by each year on the pages showing my transition into woman hood, funny photo's of happy times, the country girl in me such as on a horse from age 2 and so forth. It had pictures of me with each of my children from their baby photo to present and also included pictures of his grown children with me because they to are...part of my life. Each page took so much time but I did this from my heart working on it while he slept in the night, or when he was at work always making sure I kept it a secret not leaving any evidence of cut up paper etc behind. I was up until 4 A.M. the night before our special day. The very last page I had the very first "I love you" from him to me, put pretty designs all around it as I did on EVERY page and then finally....a tiny copy of our marriage license with our wedding photo next to it.

I was so exhausted after it was finished; I must have spent over 40 hours working on this thing in total taking around 2 weeks. I placed it on our coffee table for him to see as soon as he would awake with a card that I also made saying....HAPPY 3rd ANNIVERSARRY, I love you.

I didn't wake up until around 9 but jumped out of bed with such excitement to see his reaction. He just sat there saying nothing until I finally asked him.....WELL???? DID YOU SEE IT? He just said yeah, it's nice but babe today is not our day. Its next month but thank you for the thought. OMG I WAS SO PISSED! So I showed him the last page as WELL as our actual marriage license and told him....what does that date say? He turned white as a ghost.....he forgot he said and didn't even act as if all that I did meant anything to him.

So, I give up. I have told him I want a divorce. I am sick and tired of being ignored and sick of him only giving me affection when he wants "romantic time" if you get my meaning. Now it is in his hands and I wait. I have moved out of our bed going to another bedroom. It is HIS turn now to show ME he loves me, he wants me or else.

Is that bad or me being a bi***? Seriously, I want true options here to those who may reply.

Sorry, that was long, guess I had a lot to let out. My bad.

Thanks for your time.

I am no Dr so certainly couldnt say for sure however I ask you the question, is he depressed ? Maybe a trip to the Drs would help out here.

[Leed]

Hi ~ If these couple of things are just a tip of the iceberg, and he does stuff like this ALL the time, I'd surely wonder what was up!! I'd think of a couple of things. One -- either he has a girlfriend, or Two - he's terribly depressed about something.

First, I'd ask him what the heck was bothering him, and I wouldn't let it go until he told me. Something tells me that he IS depressed and there IS something behind all this. Maybe he feels overwhelmed by the bills cause he's the only one working ~ who knows. You don't say how old he is ~ since you two have only been married for 3 years, I assume you're in your twenties. Men are pretty immature in their twenties and he might be feeling "put upon" because he has to support the family. Boohoo. If that's the case, he's going to have to grow up! But you may have to help him ~ just sit him down and calmly talk to him about what's up.

I really don't think there's anyone else -- you'd be the first to know. lol You'd see signs of it -- funny phone calls at all hours, he'd disappear for hours and you wouldn't know where he was, etc.

So just start communicating. Maybe you haven't been doing that lately. Get him talking - you'll find out what you need to know. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

How can you think he might be having an affair ! You will scare the life out of the poor woman...

I didn't read anything to indicate he was having an affair.

[madisgram]

i too wonder if he's depressed or worrying about something to distraction.
can you ask him re depressed or worrying bout somethin? it sounds so much like severe depression. how does he act otherwise? that may help you decide if it's depression or not. is he on any new meds like high blood pressure rx? many have a side affect of severe depression...i mean severe. it happened to me, that's why i ask.
what you did re the ring was awesome and the scrapbook you made by hand was so incredibly sweet. i am so sorry things seem to be going south without your understanding why. you love him a lot so i'd pick your moment and sit down with him. tell him how his lack of interest makes you feel. i'd suggest your using the "i feel" words so he doesn't perceive it as criticism.
i hope this makes sense. i too don't feel he's got a gf. hugs

[midnight_soul]

He is 53 and I am 49. No girlfriend, I would know trust me on that one. As for him being depressed, I know he is because of all the crap that keeps happening to us. I DO ask him what is wrong, tell him this is how "I' feel when you do or don't do this etc but still, same boat. Sinking fast.

[midnight_soul]

I have asked him many times, wrote him letters sending them by mail, even wrote with WORD on the computer knowing he will see it first thing in the morning before he goes to work, heck I have asked, tried, done every thing I know what to do. He has been acting like this for a very long time now. He claims to love me, tonight he came home holding me tight until I almost passed out couldn't breathe, but he didn't say anything, just held me. Yet still, I am very afraid to trusting he will continue because he always tells me he is sorry and withing a day or two we are right back in the same sinking ship. He WONT go to a Dr. I asked. He just tells me he holds things in, that is just his way of coping. And I reply with the ...when you do that Michael it makes me feel unwanted etc. etc.

I don't know what's going to happen. I took back the ring I gave him last night and was so MAD that I told him....I gave you my heart and you know what Michael, you don't deserve it when you make me feel so unwanted and as if I am taking to much of your time or when we DO have a special time alone having fun some one calls needing some thing and you leave me here, alone making me feel like I come in last before all others in your life.

Hope that answered some questions. I know there is no miracle answers y'all can give to me. I just needed to vent before I hurt him. ( that was a joke, well...maybe. ) Seriously, I wouldn't physically hurt him, but leaving him I may just do and if I do that I hope it rips his heart out so he will understand how I feel. Anger isn't the answer either I know. Just the moment I am in for now.

[impulse]

May I consider all beings precious.
May I always respect others as superior while attaining self-esteem.
May I face my inner darkness and turn it to good.
May I be moved with compassion for the pain behind the spite others may show me.
When I am hurt by others, may I forego retaliation while always fighting injustice.
May I reckon those who betray me as sacred teachers.
May I offer joy to all beings and secretly take on their suffering. May all beings and I be free from ego concerns of loss and gain.

The above are thoughts I meditate upon, when encountering relationship considerations. I'll usually just pick one of the sentences that seems more pertinent.

After repeating the chosen thought for as long as I feel I need to... I grow silent, and focus on the "breath"...the answers seem to float among the mind chatter in the stillness.

[Soul Quake]

It sounds like he's struggling with some internal issues, and in my opinion taking the ring back was an absolutely rotten thing to do.

[phlashback]

I see that you are hurt by his lack of attention... but trying to get back by doing thing to hurt him does not help the situation. If he is depressed things like taking the ring back only will push him farther away.

If you are done with him, then just end it and move on. If you want the relationship then work on it, and help him through his darkness...

My ex fiance gave me the ring back (supposedly as a joke... long story) but that hurt even worse than her cheating on me which is what ended the relationship.

I wish you the best, and hope that you get what *you* want and need.

[AAAAA]

First I would like to say that a true gift is given out of love and expects nothing in return. In my opinion it cheapens the thought and work I put into a gift if you run out and pick me something up. If I give you a gift, big or small, it is because something in that gift made me thing of you. A gift never belongs to you to begin with, it has always belonged to the receiver and you are merely the messenger.

You are angry and hurt. Those are valid feelings. But what you are doing to express those feelings is destructive on so many levels. It is not healthy for either of you. I honestly don’t mean to be offensive, but you’re acting like a spoiled toddler. I get it, you need a response that will make you feel loved and needed. I’ve been guilty of this myself, but if he is able to respond in a way that gives you what you need right now it will be short lived, and what will you do next time to get those needs fulfilled? How do you outdo yourself? My point is that unless you find a healthy way to get through this, this relationship is doomed.

If your husband is depressed, then your actions are only re-enforcing the negative feelings he already has. If he is unwilling to seek help right now, how about getting some yourself? Learning positive communication skills is a step in the right direction. Find a therapist that you are comfortable with and when the time is right ask him to come along.

[madisgram]

((((midnight)))) i do hope you can get to the bottom of this with yr husband. sounds like u've tried constructive ways to communicate too. i am sorry you have this to go thru. please keep us posted. we care.

[madisgram]

I DO ask him what is wrong, tell him this is how "I' feel when you do or don't do this etc but still, same boat. Sinking fast.
midnight just wanted to reply to your response.. i meant to use the "I feel" without pointing out "when he does or doesn't do something." the suggestion is like this:
i feel sad cause i feel we are slipping apart.
i feel sad... etc
i feel ignored and don't know what to about this.
i feel happy when you hug me so tight. i feel confused about this cause i don't know why i feel i can't connect with you in other ways. i miss that connection with you.
idk if my suggestions will help you with this but i did want to clarify that the focus needs to be about your feelings rather than attaching it to his behavior. does this help, idk.

[Perna]

I was a little concerned because you talked about how secret/surprising your gifts were; how was he to know you were going to give him something and that he "should" give you something back? If you have no money and pretty much decide to not give each other gifts, it actually becomes a burden if one party breaks that unspoken rule and does give a gift and not only a "gift" but a special gift.

I would feel badly for him, that he honestly got the date wrong; I know it took my husband of 21 years many of them to get our dates right; his birthday is August 23, our anniversary is September 23 and my birthday is October 26, LOL. The anniversary and my birthday dates often got/get mixed up.

I would think about your giving gifts to him and why you do it. Gifts are supposed to be exactly that, no strings attached, no expecting something in return. Holding someone else emotionally hostage because they don't give you a gift when you give them a gift makes for a difficult time for both.

Be honest with yourself and him, if you want a gift for a certain date, if your birthday or anniversary is important to you in that way, you have to let him know; he's not a mind reader! I explained early on that I must receive a chocolate Easter bunny every Easter from my husband and now, guess what, it's a fun tradition that has us both laughing when he has to scramble last minute to get one.

[AAAAA]

Very sound advice Perna as usual. The ONE thing that caused the most trouble in our marriage was that I believed that he should know what I’m thinking. Or if I say one thing “I don’t want a gift” I would expect him to know that I really do, I just want him to want to give me one. Or when I would say “no, I don’t mind if you mow the lawn tomorrow” I would expect him to know that I really DO mind. To me: him asking the question was him acknowledging that it bothered me. HE was actually doing nothing more complicated than asking if I minded if he put it off another day.

A lot of miscommunications come from what we each perceive as “normal”. My father mowed the lawn every single Thursday, if it rained then it was done the very next available time. If something in the house needed to be repaired, he was very gifted in that area even though it was not his trade and he did it immediately. My mom didn’t even have to tell him something needed to be repaired.

His upbringing was very different. A leak wasn’t an issue until you had to replace dry wall or sub-flooring in their house. Why do today what you can put off until a week from the next Tuesday that the moon is aligned with all of the planets?

There are many things I can relate to. For many years whenever something good happened I could not fully enjoy it because I knew something bad was going to happen and it was going to be 10-fold. I had to really re-examine my priorities. Now any day that I have a roof over my head, food on my table, and my loved ones are healthy is a good day.

I know how frustrating it is to feel that everyone in the world is more important than you are. My husband’s blackberry is going off constantly, work, work, work. He recently went in to have a procedure done to see if he had cancer. As we were pulling out of the parking lot from the hospital his phone was going nuts, voicemails, emails, text messages, and phone calls. All from work! He was so goofy from the anesthesia that he couldn’t have helped them anyway, but he gave it a hell of a shot.

It took a lot of years for me to realize this is just who he is. He has a strong work ethic and he works to provide for us. It still overwhelms me sometimes, but when I have had enough, I tell him to turn it off, it’s MY time now. I don’t do it very often so when I do, he knows that I mean business.