My personal life is a mess right now. I'm dealing with two very painful issues and I just don't know what to do. I've spoke to my mom and my friend and they have helped but I'm still in so much pain.

My marriage is about to fall apart due to too many years of no pleasure. My husband spends so much of his time off napping and watching silly movies instead of being intimate with me. We have discussed this but passion needs to come naturally - and it doesn't with us. It never has. Not sure if this is a good enough reason to leave a marriage that is decent in so many other ways.

The other issue is getting over a man I'm very passionate about. He pretty much asked me to break up with him (told me to grow a pair and leave him) so I did. I miss him so much but I wasn't fulfilling his needs. How could I? I'm married. I thought he was my one true love my true soul mate. But if he was I don't think he would have been so disappointed in me all the time. This is the one man I really thought I could make happy. I connected with him on a level I've never felt before. But I'm not ready to leave my husband so I couldn't be there for him as he would have liked me to be. So I walk around in pain missing him terribly.

My life's a mess.

[Elana05]

(((Amy)))

I'm so sorry to hear things are so hard right now.
Has your husband ever been open to seeing a couples therapist, even just a few times at least? Relationships can be SO difficult... I have found this to be so helpful, especially to be able to say things to my partner I couldn't say if we were on our own. It is a safe place to talk when you have a good moderator who understands...
From your post, it seems this other guy was putting a lot of pressure on you. IMO, better to try to work things out with your husband and let them evolve or resolve naturally first before tackling another relationship - which can lead to so much more stress and won't usually end well (again, this is just my opinion).

If he is not open to it, you might consider going to see a therapist on your own. (I actually see 2 right now, one with my partner and one by myself ). I think the internal aches in life will keep popping up if you don't address them, as they often come from way down deep or from a long time ago.
Sending many supportive thoughts your way.

Elana

[nice girl]

Elana here is right.. u should try seeing a counselor..
u have to talk to ur husband and make him visit the counselor..
But before that u should try to talk to him..
ask him where u went wrong..
Men can be very stubborn sometimes..
If something has gone wrong they won't sometimes say a word..
i mean unless one says what's going on how will the next person understand right..
so just have a talk with him.. prepare him a meal.. ask him what's up.. try to be his friend.. may be he will open up..
Wish u all the best..

Originally Posted by Elana05

(((Amy)))

I'm so sorry to hear things are so hard right now.
Has your husband ever been open to seeing a couples therapist, even just a few times at least? Relationships can be SO difficult... I have found this to be so helpful, especially to be able to say things to my partner I couldn't say if we were on our own. It is a safe place to talk when you have a good moderator who understands...
From your post, it seems this other guy was putting a lot of pressure on you. IMO, better to try to work things out with your husband and let them evolve or resolve naturally first before tackling another relationship - which can lead to so much more stress and won't usually end well (again, this is just my opinion).

If he is not open to it, you might consider going to see a therapist on your own. (I actually see 2 right now, one with my partner and one by myself ). I think the internal aches in life will keep popping up if you don't address them, as they often come from way down deep or from a long time ago.
Sending many supportive thoughts your way.

Elana

Thank you so much for your support. It really means a lot to me. I'm in serious crisis right now.

I've been married nine years and for the most part, the marriage is good. Couple therapy could help; I know my husband would be open to the idea. I need to look at my insurance.

Individual therapy is something I did before and need to do again. I need to stop procrastinating and look for a therapist.

My whole life I've been so broken emotionally and have been reacting to issues without thinking. I want to start acting like someone I can respect. Someone who is healthy and can take care of herself and can be a good person to others. By doing that I believe I can find happiness.

Hugs

Originally Posted by nice girl

Elana here is right.. u should try seeing a counselor..
u have to talk to ur husband and make him visit the counselor..
But before that u should try to talk to him..
ask him where u went wrong..
Men can be very stubborn sometimes..
If something has gone wrong they won't sometimes say a word..
i mean unless one says what's going on how will the next person understand right..
so just have a talk with him.. prepare him a meal.. ask him what's up.. try to be his friend.. may be he will open up..
Wish u all the best..

Thank you For your support.

I'm pretty stubborn myself and have difficulty with verbalizing my feelings. Except when I'm in terrible pain and cannot bear it anymore. (Wish I could stop crying)

[Leed]

Hi Amy ~ Lets start with the "other man" first. Sure you're missing him now, because he gave you that excitement that you're not getting from your marriage. It was dangerous and exilarating ~ it had that element that "you might get caught" type of thing. That made it all the more fun and exciting. It wasn't so much that he was "perfect" for you. He wasn't. It was just more than you had in your marriage right now. That doesn't make it good for you.

Now your husband ~ After we've been married for awhile, the fireworks go out. We get too comfortable with each other, and that's too bad. You need to try to find that excitement again. You two fell in a rut. You stopped working at your marriage, and now you don't know how anymore. You need counseling to learn how to get it back to that fresh, "new" place it once was. That takes work on both your parts. If he won't go to counseling, then YOU go. At least you can find out what needs to be done - and maybe once he sees that you're getting excited about marriage again, HE might join in. Let's hope anyway. LOL. It certainly can't hurt ~ but usually excitement is catchy. So see what you can do in marital counseling ~ and take it from there. Forget that other guy ~ he's no good for you. He was just a blip in the screen. You can make your life with your husband JUST as "dangerous." LOL God bless and best of luck. Hugs, Lee

[Elana05]

Important: of great significance and value.

Amy,

You are important!

[marjan]

I think the most important part of the marriage is the intimacy....if there is not that much of it in your relationship and you want more, and he's not that into it, then that's a big red flag.....I'm afraid to tell you that some guys are just not that into xxx....

I got divorce for the same reason....I was so unhappy and couldn't understand his coldness....First I was thinking there is something wrong with me, but now that I'm out of that relationship and I went out with other guys, I figured out it's just depend on the guy....some guys are not sexual and my ex husband was one of them....He was barely initiating sex and he would never sleep in the same bed with me....I was so unhappy.....

The thing about the guy that you like.....I'm sure you can find connection with another guy too....I'm telling you out of my own experience....when I got separated, I start dating a guy and I thought he's the one....but he wasn't....I was devastated when he broke up with me.....then I met another one and it was even better than the previous one....but different....No two relationships are the same, but each flower has its own smell

Get on your feet and stay strong....take a deep breathe and put smile on your face....think what you want to do.....think about it.....if you want to leave your husband, then do it....It will be a long recovery process though, but then there is hope to find somebody else.....and if you want to stay with him, then tell him what you want....email him....write a letter....

best wishes
Marjan

Originally Posted by marjan

I think the most important part of the marriage is the intimacy....if there is not that much of it in your relationship and you want more, and he's not that into it, then that's a big red flag.....I'm afraid to tell you that some guys are just not that into xxx....

I got divorce for the same reason....I was so unhappy and couldn't understand his coldness....First I was thinking there is something wrong with me, but now that I'm out of that relationship and I went out with other guys, I figured out it's just depend on the guy....some guys are not sexual and my ex husband was one of them....He was barely initiating sex and he would never sleep in the same bed with me....I was so unhappy.....

The thing about the guy that you like.....I'm sure you can find connection with another guy too....I'm telling you out of my own experience....when I got separated, I start dating a guy and I thought he's the one....but he wasn't....I was devastated when he broke up with me.....then I met another one and it was even better than the previous one....but different....No two relationships are the same, but each flower has its own smell

Get on your feet and stay strong....take a deep breathe and put smile on your face....think what you want to do.....think about it.....if you want to leave your husband, then do it....It will be a long recovery process though, but then there is hope to find somebody else.....and if you want to stay with him, then tell him what you want....email him....write a letter....

best wishes
Marjan

Thank you so much for this!!! My husband isn't sexual - not at all. It's a problem. I'm going to try and deal with it with him but I guess you cannot make someone sexual who isn't so I'm not sure what is going to happen.

I know my life can't stay like this but I'm not so crazy about change either.

Hello, Amy. Once you have accepted the life you have is a source of distress, the threshold inquiry is to think about what needs to change to ameliorate the distress and enhance the meaningfulness. Perhaps the dimensions of wellness may work as a framework for looking at change and meaningfulness: http://www.uic.edu/depts/wellctr/dimen.shtml

Once you have gone through this process, you might talk to husband. More particularly, you might ask him if he will work with you on issues that involve you both. You might even ask him if something occurred in his life that explains his blase attitude towards sex. Find out if he would be willing to see a therapist about what he might do to make your marriage more sexual.

This might not be something you want to do right now. Sometimes the fixer in me tramples on the listener.

Be well.

[marjan]

Originally Posted by Amy

Thank you so much for this!!! My husband isn't sexual - not at all. It's a problem. I'm going to try and deal with it with him but I guess you cannot make someone sexual who isn't so I'm not sure what is going to happen.

I know my life can't stay like this but I'm not so crazy about change either.

I know how difficult the change might be.....When my ex husband and I got separated, for a long time I couldn't eat or sleep....the sleeping part was the worse thing ever....but I went through it....and I'm so happy that I did....I felt so unhappy and unattractive when I was with him...and of course I gained weight, because we ate more than doing anything else....He was even complaining why I kiss him....He told me several times that he doesn't feel kissing and nobody in his family do that! OMG....now that I think about those days, I think I was crazy to stay in that relationship.....

Just think deeply....Is it good to stay with him and have affair? Is it good to stay with him and say no to sex all the time? these are questions that you are the only one who can answer to them....

but for me....one day of freedom is better than living in that hell.....

After we got separated, I filed for divorce so quickly and we got divorced within 4 months....In Canada, you need to wait till at least a year to get divorce unless both sides claim that they were not together.....well....he was so mad at me at that time and he agreed with me to say that although we were living together but we were not intimate.....(and that was so true....he never slept even in the same bed with me!).....yes, our divorce went through very quickly....and guess what? after exactly a year....he changed his mind....he was sending me flowers, letters, talking to my friends to get me back....yes, it's been four years and he still tries....I'm so glad that I got divorced from him....so glad....but at the time, I was so fragile and not sure if I'm making a right decision.....

There are lots of good guys out there....You can feel alive with them again!

good luck
marjan

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, Amy. Once you have accepted the life you have is a source of distress, the threshold inquiry is to think about what needs to change to ameliorate the distress and enhance the meaningfulness. Perhaps the dimensions of wellness may work as a framework for looking at change and meaningfulness: http://www.uic.edu/depts/wellctr/dimen.shtml

Once you have gone through this process, you might talk to husband. More particularly, you might ask him if he will work with you on issues that involve you both. You might even ask him if something occurred in his life that explains his blase attitude towards sex. Find out if he would be willing to see a therapist about what he might do to make your marriage more sexual.

This might not be something you want to do right now. Sometimes the fixer in me tramples on the listener.

Be well.

Thanks so much for this! Tomorrow I am going to sit down with him and talk. Maybe things can and will improve. He is scared to lose me (not like I'm a real prize or anything) but he wants this marriage to work.

I'm comfortable here and don't want to leave but as I said something has to change. I can't walk around feeling undesirable forever. And him telling me he thinks I'm beautiful isn't doing it for me. I need to see it in his eyes, his hands, his actions. I feel I'm missing out on a wonderful part of romantic love and I'm angry and frustrated.

I suppose nothings perfect, but I'm not sure where one draws the line of what is or isn't acceptable. Life can't just be about paying bills and cleaning the house.