[salukigirl]

Anyone who knows me knows I'm all for gender equality and not pigeon holing women and men into little societal compartments. However, sometimes I think "Can't you just be a MAN?!"

Yeah, I don't always want the tough, macho guy that can't be sensitive or caring. But I also don't want a dude that can't do anything for himself. I'm sorry....but when I know more about fixing up a house or repairs than my bf.....that's bad. When he is almost 28 and still has his MOM do his taxes?! I mean come on!

While I know a lot of these stereotypes are brought on by society, I feel like some of it is built into them by evolution. Just like, no matter how tom-boy I am, I still feel a strong need to someday be a mom. I feel like, my man should still feel a need to be even just a little macho sometimes.

I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes I want him to come home covered in dirt and grease and sweat and work on his car. I definitely do not want him to come home and whine about the same thing every single day! You accept it, then you get over it.

Maybe I'm not talking about being a MAN but just not being a child. I haven't relied on my parents for anything since I was 17 and moved out. As soon as I left I bought my own car, my own phone and my own insurance. And I have always done my own taxes. So when I ask my bf a simple question about my W2 and he doesn't even know what I'm talking about?! Or I try to talk to him about closing out one of his credit cards to lower the APR....he starts talking about calling some debt consolidation place!

I said....you are NOT 100,000 in debt or back taxes or months behind on bills or in collections with anyone. Debt consolidation can ruin your credit and be very expensive. Just close your account to lower your APR and set up a payment plan. But he doesn't understand any of it.

UGH! A 23 year old girl should not be more proficient at dealing with everyday life events than a 28 year old male counterpart! Grow the F up and start taking responsibility for your own life!

Sorry....ranting....

If your friend does not measure up to your perception of a man, why do you choose to remain with him?

[Leed]

Hi Salukigirl ~ I know what you mean. Unfortunately there seems to be more of THOSE kinds of guys than the other. LOL At least the ones that I have run into. The last 2 generations have had the electronic playthings, so long gone are the guys that went out into the garage to work on engines with their Dads. Now they might know how to take apart a computer -- but they don't know anything else.

We had to be self-sufficient when we left home. No way could we go running back home for help! We found out what we were supposed to do, and DID it. And we women worked right alongside our men! But now the men don't know HOW to do things -- so the women have to show them. LOL I can't tell you how many times either myself or my daughter has had to show a guy how to change a TIRE!!! Good grief!!

Oh well -- give me a good ole mechanic anytime - to heck with some white collar worker! Hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

sounds like he's like a bunch of ppl who may be male or female. have a sister like u described. think it's not being a man, imho, but more like just some ppl having their heads in a hole, don't problem solve, etc. u on the other hand sound like you are realistic and take responsibilty for your life. perhaps he's not the one for you, idk, but i'd be frustrated with someone like this if i was in a relationship with them.

[salukigirl]

Thanks guys. It didn't used to be an issue. It has become one recently bc he isn't the man I met. He has become really depressed bc he isn't where he wanted to be right now. He used to laugh all the time, go out, have a good time, not take anything too seriously. Now he is getting mad at the littlest thing, complains about work all the time etc....

If I had that guy back who I met 2 years ago....the other stuff wouldn't even matter. I'm self sufficient and don't always want my bf to do those things bc, personally, sometimes it makes me feel that he doesn't think I know what I'm doing. But I guess without all those other things I just mentioned, I'm just getting frustrated.

I told him it's really hard to keep being sympathetic and try to keep him motivated. So I guess those things I mentioned are just manifestations of me seeing him be so friggen down. Part of me wants to be supportive but part of me wants to yell "Just grow up! I know you're not where you want to be but who is?! Suck it up and move on!"

[Perna]

I know what you mean; my husband's accounting department called him one day to tell him his W2 was ready and he responded with silence. No, "okay"; no, "what's a W2" no nothing. The poor accounting clerk said it a little louder and I think at some point he said something along the lines of, "I don't know what you mean" (if he doesn't understand something, it's always 100% the other person's problem, he'll say he doesn't understand you and then wait for you to be understandable; won't help by trying to tell you what it is he doesn't understand, just that he doesn't!).

I remember the story because he came home so angry at her/them! He was in his mid-50's had been working since he was 14 and didn't know what a W2 was? (was my reaction :-) When I tried to explain it from the clerk's point of view I got a hurt response that I was supposed to be on his side.

My husband is extremely competent in most things. He has weird quirks and blind spots (hatred of any acronyms, especially if they aren't explained! :-) and I get angry at him when he, an electrical engineer, can't get electrical appliances/things to work. He once failed to plug in the vacuum cleaner we'd been using for years and announced the plug was not the right size for the outlet (I immediately grabbed the plug and rammed it into the outlet, no problem :-)

I keep forgetting that what I think of him and his competencies and background and life experiences and what they actually are/were is not the same thing. The map is not the territory, sort of. I want certain things but that doesn't mean they are going to exist outside my little head all the time.

My husband isn't depressed so I haven't had to deal with that particular issue with him. But I do try to remember that there is a larger picture now, even when we're at odds with one another over a particular situation, and there's my own overlay of what I'd like or what I fear and imagine for the future. I'm back to deciding what I'm going to do in the future, even though it hasn't gotten here yet with its actual situations. My husband is 150 pounds overweight and 7 years older than I am and smokes, has high blood pressure and I'm already worrying about when he becomes disabled and whether I will push him around in wheel chairs or not and how resentful I'll feel!

Of course he's not the man you met, he's been living with you all this time now and we know you are all lightness and joy to live with, you both make a good living so you don't have any money worries and you are established in your relationship and careers so you know one another and yourselves well and have few worries there. Where could a depression come from under such circumstances :-)

I didn't start growing up until I was 33-34 and met my husband when I was 35, marrying him when I was 39. Now we rub against one another companionably (married 21 years) and are a great team in harness. I actually had to go to therapy for 20 years I was so slow at growing up. Why aren't you all in couples counseling?

[salukigirl]

Well we had tried couples counseling and it helped. However, we aren't married. And he doesn't have mental health insurance. I get free counseling through the school.....but couples is only covered for spouses. When we were both students it worked out well. And I feel like an appt every couple months to re-ground us is all we really need. It's like we'll go in....talk everything out....realize we were both being jerks and everything's fine for a few months. Then the cycle starts over, and we need the little reminder "you guys are being stupid" and it's fine.

Both of us are extremely stubborn which has proved to be difficult but him being stubborn has helped me see where my issues are. I know I can be difficult sometimes and that's why I want to be patient. Just sometimes I feel like I gotta let all this crap out. Remind myself of why I loved him in the first place. Kinda sit back and let all the little things go.

Thanks for letting me vent!