[Distressed2010]

I have 2 sisters. The one elder to me is Mona and we have an eldest one as well.

Mona has always been very manipulative towards me and I never figured this out until recently when I was in therapy. She'd be nice to me as per her convenience, when she needed advice or needed to borrow something of mine. At other times, she was mean as hell! Telling me things like I wish i had a dog instead of you as a sister, why didn't you die when you were born, and much more as a kid.

Well, now i'm 27. And I've made the conclusion that I really don't like her. All my life I tried to be nice to her because I felt something must be wrong with me, especially since my mom always told me I'm so rude and mona is so nice and diplomatic and I should be more like her, I should learn from her... because she was nice to everyone but me or she'd be nice when my mom was watching.. and then different behind her back.

Well today, she was describing these relatives we have who in my opinion are a lot like my sister. She was saying that they're materialistic, and mean, etc etc. And for a while I kept biting my tongue but then it blurted out, and i said "wow, i know someone in our family that's like that as well..."

Okay! So maybe i started it first but I just can't stand seeing her, I have so much pain associating with her. I don't know if that's normal?

Anyway, She started saying "Look what she's doing mom! Is this why you guys call me over? (She's married) To start with me???"

And she turned the whole thing towards me. Fine. But this is ALWAYS THE CASE. Even if i speak normally to her and say "when you did xyz, i was really hurt". She flips out and says the same thing to my mom.

Now, my mom doesn't get to see her much, not because she lives far away, she doesnt. infact shes only a 15 min drive from us. But my sister is so busy, she's a socialite and is always at birthday parties and luncheons, parties, etc etc. So when she drops by its usually for like 10 mins and my mom likes spending time with her because my mom doesnt have friends. My dad is sick, so she's normally taking care of him.

I'm temporarily staying with my parents. But in the past it has occured that this pattern repeats and my mom starts yelling at me "why did you have to do this? why did you start?? See, now she's leaving. all because of you.." (btw, I don't always start. Its just that you can't say anything to my sister, she's very aggressive).

Then, my sister runs out the door, my mom behind her begging her to come back in.. and finally after 10-15 mins of begging her, she'll come back in with this attitude towards me and my mom blaming me because she left.

excuse my french but, WHAT THE ****!!! I feel so hurt when this happens.

My sister manipulates my mother into thinking its my fault and so now I'm double hurt because my sister's being a b***h and my mom is too naive to see it or she ignores it just coz, idont know which one is true, but this really hurts me.

1. Can anyone suggest how I can deal with this situation??
2. Can anyone also please suggest me how to deal with the following situation: I'm moving to another city and its the city my sister is absolutely in love with. And NOW she wants to come and stay with me, even though she was so mean to me when I stayed with her a while back and I swore I'll never stay with her ever again, I barely talk to her, only if she's over.. that also SOMETIMES. How do i deal with this? I feel like if i say "no", the entire universe will collapse in my family.

3. It really really hurts me when an aquantaince says "Oh why're you bored here? You've got your sister!! come on! don't be bored" and I have to shut up and say "yes you're right" because I can't tell them that we don't get along. This really hurts me as it leads me to what I wish for that I never had, a sister/brother that is loving and supportive and doesn't constantly compete with me, which I never had.. then these feelings of sadness start sprouting... what do i do here?

[Leed]

I swear, you must be talking about my oldest sister!! She tormented me from the time I was born. She's 7 years older than me, and she's hated me from the beginning. And I'm not even the "baby" of the family. I'm the 3rd born out of 4.

She blamed everything on me - not on any of the other sisters - just me. And of course I got the punishment for things that SHE did. My parents coddled her because she was a sickly baby -- well so WHAT? She got OVER it!! Sheesh. She left home at 18 and moved across country. Each time she came home, she'd start something with me, but my Mom NEVER saw it. Naturally, my Mom would get mad at ME.

When she came home 7 years ago when my Mom died, she was in her 60's ~ you'd think by that age, she'd be done with this nonsense -- NOPE. She started right in on me to the point that my kids even got mad. I had to make her leave my home.

Recently after a sickenly sweet letter from her, I wrote her and told her that I didn't like her years before, and i don't like her now - do NOT contact me anymore!!! And what does she do?? She calls me to get a phone number!!! ARRRGGGHHH! And she had to make a stinking remark about my housekeeping. I want to KILL HER.

I wish I knew what to tell you -- If I were you I'd just be HONEST with her -- get your feelings out because they're going to eat you up. If you don't like her, tell her. And if people say something to you, just say you two don't get along. There is NO SHAME in that. That's what I tell people. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Maybe others will say you should handle it differently -- but if you want to feel better, I'd just be honest with her. It sure made ME feel better. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Leed

I swear, you must be talking about my oldest sister!! She tormented me from the time I was born. She's 7 years older than me, and she's hated me from the beginning. And I'm not even the "baby" of the family. I'm the 3rd born out of 4.

She blamed everything on me - not on any of the other sisters - just me. And of course I got the punishment for things that SHE did. My parents coddled her because she was a sickly baby -- well so WHAT? She got OVER it!! Sheesh. She left home at 18 and moved across country. Each time she came home, she'd start something with me, but my Mom NEVER saw it. Naturally, my Mom would get mad at ME.

When she came home 7 years ago when my Mom died, she was in her 60's ~ you'd think by that age, she'd be done with this nonsense -- NOPE. She started right in on me to the point that my kids even got mad. I had to make her leave my home.

Recently after a sickenly sweet letter from her, I wrote her and told her that I didn't like her years before, and i don't like her now - do NOT contact me anymore!!! And what does she do?? She calls me to get a phone number!!! ARRRGGGHHH! And she had to make a stinking remark about my housekeeping. I want to KILL HER.

I wish I knew what to tell you -- If I were you I'd just be HONEST with her -- get your feelings out because they're going to eat you up. If you don't like her, tell her. And if people say something to you, just say you two don't get along. There is NO SHAME in that. That's what I tell people. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Maybe others will say you should handle it differently -- but if you want to feel better, I'd just be honest with her. It sure made ME feel better. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thankyou Leed, for sharing that with me. I can completely understand what you mean. Both of my sisters, who are elder to me, have always been so mean to me, saying really bad things to me, but for each other, they've been so nice and giving. They'd steal my things.
If my parents protected me, they'd get after my parents and say they only are on my side.

Hah! my eldest sister even TESTED me one day when she brought a fish food, claiming it was chicken. I had allergies towards sea food and one bright day, her husband (the prick who sexually molested me) decided that my allergy was probably psychological so they should test me on it. Luckily i didn't get sick because later in life, i found out, I was allergic to shell fish only, not general fish. But still, that episode stayed with me for years, and that's just one of a million episodes that I had with both my sisters. I couldn't trust people for years! i still can't but I'm trying to open up and do that slowly now... gotta start somewhere!

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Thankyou Leed, for sharing that with me. I can completely understand what you mean. Both of my sisters, who are elder to me, have always been so mean to me, saying really bad things to me, but for each other, they've been so nice and giving. They'd steal my things.
If my parents protected me, they'd get after my parents and say they only are on my side.

Hah! my eldest sister even TESTED me one day when she brought a fish food, claiming it was chicken. I had allergies towards sea food and one bright day, her husband (the prick who sexually molested me) decided that my allergy was probably psychological so they should test me on it. Luckily i didn't get sick because later in life, i found out, I was allergic to shell fish only, not general fish. But still, that episode stayed with me for years, and that's just one of a million episodes that I had with both my sisters. I couldn't trust people for years! i still can't but I'm trying to open up and do that slowly now... gotta start somewhere!

And also, I think she already knows I don't like her because we do have this tension between us. But if I say that, then my mom will try to make me feel guilty about it by saying "see what you did. What if you need something from her. Stop breaking relations!"
And also my therapist said You can't pick family.. but you can pick your friends. I dont' talk to my eldest sister any more but Mona I'm only in touch with in terms of when she's over at my parents place thats all. I don't call her ever, don't go shopping with her, or anywhere.. she goes on her own. Actually she won't ever take me with her friends because she's always scared they'd like me and start being friends with me, and i dont know why due to her own insecurities she doesn't want me to have them as friends. I feel like she's always competing with me and getting jealous of friends that I have or of my personality so I dont share anything with her anymore at all.

[Elana05]

Hi Distressed2010,

I'm afraid I don't have much as far as advice right now. But I recently found this article and I thought you might relate...

Elana

http://pubs.aarp.org/aarptm/20110102?pg=128#pg128

...The only thing is that I think there is a typo in the article. In the corner it says of toxic people that they can be "mean to others, nice to you." I think what they meant was "mean to you and nice to others." Well that is my experience anyway. (This is my mother when she is in one of her moods).

[sarek]

Its often very tempting to try to be nice, keep the peace, try our utmost to make sure its not our fault.
But sometimes it is really not you. Sometimes its really the other person and they are really toxic.
Keeping the peace and playing nice will never help unless somehow they can find change within themselves. No amount of pleasantness is going to change that.

In a situation like that there comes a time when you have to cut your losses and disengage from such toxicity because its negatively impacting your life.

So maybe you should limit contact to the absolute minimum possible. Avoid places where she is as much as you can. Its sad, and it may feel like defeat but it can actually be a liberation.