[notablackbarbie]

...because i am ugly, messy, fat, and repulsive.

Aaargh!

Of course i am writting this now after seeing him again after class at college...and the other one IS in my class. And they both have a great smile. And one has green eyes I make no sence and dont know what i want for me at all. I am too bad to be with anyone.

I know i shouldnt be in a relationship just for the heck of it, or to "feel complete" or just to not be alone... I just hate bumping into crushes and the encounter is just another reminder that im 25 now, never dated, always afraid of judgement and rejection, and just feel totally behind compared to peers that are engaged/married/have a child and living their lives while i am a worthless pile of sh**

Its the new year, what is in the past is in the past, and change is possible and i shouldnt compare myself to others, and i shouldnt make a big deal about everything/freak out about how I appear all the time/try to please everyone still...and...and...and...I know! I am just so stupid!!

Ok, end of rant about embarassing and pathetic day. Bye.

Hello, notablackbarbie. Shame is a negative self-concept you may choose to change by challenging the distortions that embody it. Good luck.

[Leed]

Hi ~ You have certainly used some pretty awful adjectives to describe yourself -- and I don't believe them one little bit!! I think you're just being WAY to hard on yourself, and you're just having a bad time of it right now. I don't know why you don't like yourself right now, but I guess we all go thru that at times. If this is how you ALWAYS feel, then you need to see a therapist to find out why. You are JUST as good as anyone else. You are JUST as attractive as anyone else. You have JUST as much worth as anyone else. Perhaps you're a little shyer than some --- I am too. I don't make friends easily. It's hard for me to start up conversations or to trust people quickly.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. If you feel that your feelings are justified, then you DO need to talk to a therapist. Please find a good therapist in your area, and make an appointment. It will help --- I've been in and out of therapy most of my life, and it's done me a world of good. It just might help you too. Take care and God bless. I wish you the best. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

Oh, I admire that you have real crushes but can see how they'd be problems when you run into them; I had a made up, imaginary one at your age so I couldn't run into him ("Michael") but yours aren't that far removed.

Make some friends, talk to people sitting next to you in class, raise your hand and ask questions of the professor and then get braver and answer questions they ask. Start allowing yourself to be seen a little bit so it's not so hard to approach you. What people don't know about us because we don't engage with them, they take to be stand offish, cold, and other things we're not! Conquer your fear of being rejected. Your self esteem can't grow if you don't "exercise" it by putting it to the test and talking to people and getting real feedback instead of imagined.

[eskielover]

Sadly some of the negative words we tell ourselves are negative words we have heard about ourselves much of our life.......there is a whole reprogramming thing that is needed & takes quite a bit of time.....but if you never start the reprogramming process, it will never happen.

Perna has some very good advice....if you get yourself out there & allow people to get to know you even if it's through engaging in your classes rather than actually with anyone specifically to start with.....your real you will come through.

I remember always getting a lump in my throat & shaking all over before I wanted to say something in front of people.....then I wouldn't end up saying what I wanted to say because I thought it was too trivial. That surprisingly has changed over the years......now I need to hold back speaking out in groups....but I find that lump in my throat & the shaking has actually disappeared.

As for the crushes....you know the right information....it's important not to feel we aren't complete without having someone else in our life. I have realized that when marriage is supposed to be, the right person will show up.....until then.....don't sweat it no matter what your age is. Keep walking the path you are heading on at college to be able to confidently take care of yourself with a career.....then everything else will fall into place. In the time being work on your always being afraid of judgement and rejection. Heaven knows that doesn't work in a marriage & if you don't get rid of those feelings (which I am sure aren't just applied to being with men), even having a relationship will be difficult because you will always be waiting or it to happen......& it's definitely not something to take into a marriage & teach any children you may have. Much better to deal with our selves & get them in order before having relationships. Much better to go in with confidence in ourselves. Interesting for me, it wasn't until I decided that I didn't ever want to get married & didn't ever want to have a family that the person I ended up getting married to & staying married to for 33 years came along. He was a good person, but just didn't know how to be responsible in life & become financially responsible when it became necessary.....I just could no longer trust him to take care of me because he showed that I had needed to take care of myself all along even when I wasn't feeling up to it. So I decided that since I had to take care of myself no matter what, I couldn't do it around him because I always felt the need to be able to trust him to care for the things I wasn't feeling up to even though I knew I couldn't trust him to do it or to tell me the information I needed to take the proper action myself. Much better off knowing my own stuff & knowing how to take care of myself & what needs to be taken care of. Depending on another person is great if they are dependable or you have at least worked through the team work process.

This is why it's so important to be self sufficient before going into a marriage as you never know when you are going to have to be that way anyway.....even in a good marriage the roles get defined by the strengths of the people involved.....but without proper communication, it will not be successful....much better to know you are capable on your own......then pulling a relationship together ends up being wonderful team work.

[notablackbarbie]

im sorry for my earlier rant about ^^ from last week. It was just stupid and unnecessary. And its too late to delete what i wrote. Thank you all for your feedback. Im also sorry for bothering you all with my mess and confusion. I really just dont make sence at all; dont know what i need or want; and am just so wrong with everything and one. Again, i am sorry.