[Can't Stop Crying]

Right now I am in the pit of despair. I am overwhelmed by caring for a severely depressed teenager and struggling with my own MH issues. I also have a younger son who needs help understanding what is going on with his brother and just plain needs a mom. My husband lost his job almost a year ago and that put me into the role of primary breadwinner. He is working, but it is not close to what he had before and I am on leave from work while I try to get myself together. The pressure is unbelievable!
He pouts and moans about how I don't give him enough time/attention. I tried to explain to him that right now I have nothing left to give. He is jealous of my T, but doesn't want to talk about the things I talk about with T because it is too upsetting for him.
I love my husband and want us to get through all of this together. I feel so guilty for neglecting my marriage, but I am literally maxed out. I just need him to be strong for a little bit, but he is not interested in doing that...

Help! I guess I just needed to vent

[SakuraLi]

maybe you should set aside time for yourself to relax after your therepy sessions alone outside of the house. maybe a half hour each day. sorry i dont know what you mean by your mh issues. Im new to learning all the psychology terms used here. Is your husband giving u such grief because he is mentally ill or just selfish? also maybe u could also set aside maybe a half hour each day to just relax with him and reconnect. i know ur kids need u but u need u too! so try to make time for u alone and with ur husband. i hope u will get things worked out good luck

[Leed]

You are definitely on overload. You can't take care of things at home if you're on the brink of breaking. You have GOT to find some way to get some time to yourself - AWAY from home. There is just too much pressure there, and people are pulling you apart.

Take an hour and go somewhere - when you feel the pressure rising, grab your purse, and tell everyone you'll be back after awhile -- you do NOT need to tell them where you're going. Don't even take your cell phone with you because they'll be calling you constantly. Just leave - go somewhere for a cup of coffee, or sit at a park by some water (if there is any ) and just relax. Nothing is more relaxing than to just sit in the quiet - with no one pulling at your from all sides. You need to do this EVERYDAY. You deserve some quiet time, and you're certainly not getting it at home -- no one seems to respect YOUR needs.

You'll be a better wife and mother if you have your own outlet. Take care of YOU FIRST -- then you can take care of the others. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Can't Stop Crying]

Thanks Lee

I guess the thing my husband is struggling most with right now is that I am normally the "strong and responsible" one; he can't comprehend that I literally have nothing left to give him. He takes it personally and thinks I don't want him. I've told him that is not true, I just need a little time, but I guess I'm not very convincing because he doesn't believe me.
Right now my "me" time is on PC - there are simply not enough hours in the day...but if I can grab a few minutes here and there on PC, it helps

[danvb]

Hello Can Stop Crying...

**sigh** Do you ever just STOP what you're doing, take a great-big-deep-breath and let it out slowly? Sometimes it helps to just tell yourself to put the brakes on whatever it is you're doing RIGHT NOW that's stressing you out and ask yourself, "Is this stuff REALLY that important? What would happen if I let go of this stuff RIGHT NOW and just let my mind rest... for just a minute or two." Have you ever been able to tell yourself, "I care, but I don't care" and mean it? Do you know what that means? I care, but I don't care... It's a very powerful thing to know. It can put things in perspective. Can Stop Crying, you've lost your perspective. Forgive me for being so presumptuous as to act like I know what's really going on in your life, because I don't. All I can do is attempt to be your mirror, reflecting those things that touch my intuition.
Yes, you CARE about your husbands happiness, but you are not RESPONSIBLE for his happiness. You tell yourself otherwise. You do. You are a responsible, loving wife and mother. You care about your family and would do anything to make them happy. But, in doing so, you are trying to do the impossible. You simply can-not-do-it. No one can. It can't be done. It's like trying to hit a constantly moving target while you're riding on a merry-go-round. In fact, from minute to minute you have no way of KNOWING what it is that will make anyone happy. You can only guess what it is that MIGHT make them feel that way. Even then, even if you guess right, it will not remain so for more than a fleeting moment. Frankly, most people, including yourself, have no idea of what they really want or what would make them feel happy beyond the immediate here and now.

Do you see what I mean? You can care about your family's happiness, but you can not care beyond that. You can not actually MAKE them happy. They can only do that themselves because only they know in their own hearts what it might be that may make them happy.

Anyway... I'm going off on a tangent.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that the pressure you are feeling is the pressure you are putting on yourself. Yeah, I know. That isn't the kind of stuff people want or expect to here in this place. It sounds sorta harsh. I know. But, all the same, I still think it's true.

Yes, you love your husband. And yes, you love your children. But sometimes love isn't as much about DOING for the ones you love as it is about stepping back and letting them do things for themselves. And THAT is usually a very hard thing it do... and it can be painful. But, easy and painless isn't all it's cracked up to be. It eventually comes at a very high emotional cost to everyone involved.

You can support your husband in whatever it is that makes him happy, but you can not do it for him. The same holds true for you children. You can offer them your loving support and offer them the benefit of your experience, but that is all. You can not make them happy no matter how much you want to do so or how hard you try.

It appears that your husband is much more emotionally needy than you are prepared to deal with. That's to be expected. You can never give him what he needs. The more you give the greater will be his need to take. I'm afraid that that's the way it seems to work. In your marriage, he has assumed a more or less submissive role that he believes fits his self image. You, on the other hand, are also playing a role that you believe fits who you are. As you've said, you are the "strong and responsible one." It may not be clear to you right now, but, for whatever reason, that is the role you've chosen for yourself.

You are both playing the roles you've chosen. Unfortunately (I would actually say "fortunately", but that's only from my perspective) for you, you have grown weary of your role. Being the "strong and responsible one" in a relationship carries with it a the great burden of always having to appear to be strong and responsible, even when you don't actually FEEL that way. Wow. What an amazingly heavy load it is you've chosen to carry! The trouble is, you've grown so weary of carrying that self-imposed burden that you can no longer do so. It's just gotten to be too heavy to bear. Now THERE'S a big surprise!!

Even though it probably isn't clear to you, that's where you are now. You want and need to lay down your burden. But don't know how to do so. In fact, it's been so long since you originally chose to carry your load that you can't even remember when you weren't carrying it or when you chose to do so or even why!

But ya wanna know what? You CAN lay down your burden. You don't have to carry it any more. You never did have to carry it. You just thought you did because of some long forgotten and unimportant reason.

I'll tell you, though. Laying down that burden might not be an easy thing to do. You've carried it so long that to NOT carry it any longer will feel foreign and unnatural to you. You will long to feel its weight on you back once again. You will miss the familiarity of it all.

Laying down your burden is as simple as setting down a bag of groceries or a putting away a suitcase.

You don't have to think about it, you just do it.

Laying down your burden involves recognizing that you can not do everything for everyone in you family, that to do so is not possible. It involves celebrating the wonder of yourself knowing and believing that laying down your burden is both an act of self love and an act of love for your family. It involves allowing others to grow, even if that growth is painful for you to watch and for them to experience. It involves recognizing that you husband must carry his own load and find his own way. You have been carrying his load for him much too long.

Please forgive me for going on and on with what sounds like a bunch of gobbledygook. I know how it sounds. But then, I also know that for me, all this stuff is true.

It certainly might not be true for you, though. That's for sure! It's up to you to decide for yourself what works for you and what doesn't.

Whew!

I've really gotta stop all this carrying on every time I find a soap box that I think might carry my weight!

Whoa!

[turquoisesea]

(((((CantStopCrying)))))

I don't have words to make this go away. My boyfriend has seen me in a lot of stages of my depression and it was/is really hard on him. He has a touch of SAD-type or dysthemia depression, so he can actually understand part of what I'm talking about. Even HAVING that understanding it can be hard for him at times. It is just plain HARD to be the 'strong one'...

It sounds like your husband doesn't have this understanding. Have you considered joint session with your T to try to explain, or talked to your T for ideas of how to get this across?

With depression, some people can never understand if they have no experienced it. I dunno your husband. If you can't get him to understand from a mental level, try to get at it from a physical level. One therapist of mine said 'depression is like a car wreck - you don't just get up the next day and feel better - its like you have broken legs and arms and are all wrapped up in casts'...

Im sorry you're not getting the support right now. Any time for yourself you can get will help I'm sure - keep posting and sorry I don't have better advice, it's a tough situation

[Can't Stop Crying]

D - thanks for your insight and I agree, we choose our roles in life, especially with our families. Sometimes the circumstances change and the chosen roles need to adapt. I guess that's where I'm at right now...begging my husband for help because the circumstances we were so accustomed to have changed and I can't do this by myself!

T - thanks for the support, someone suggested writing my husband a letter, so he can't avoid my words...maybe I'll give that a try