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Old Feb 09, 2011, 09:21 PM
DespondentDaisy's Avatar
DespondentDaisy DespondentDaisy is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2011
Location: California
Posts: 283
I only really have one of those issues in my current relationship: minimization and blame.
It stands out to me because I've become more aware after verbal and sexual abuse in the past. In this case, my boyfriend is for the most part a great guy. I just end up doing the chores around the house more. Though he doesn't have much time, I get frustrated sometimes that I end up taking care of everything it seems because I can't let a dish sit more than overnight or let it get dusty or let the laundry go too long (I do my own and usually the bed sheets, he just does his own religiously). So it’s not a matter of him blaming me, as much as his minimizing some of his faults and not being able to change. Like his problem handling money; he recently gave me a big load of money to hold on for him because he knew otherwise he would spend it. I see signs like this from him that I know are not good in a boyfriend, or any mate for that matter. Growing up I had a mental step dad who spent too much and stole from my mom and other stuff so I worry about these things. But the thing is that he seems genuinely anxious about these things. He wants to change. My ex-step dad just worth it off to my mom and didn't take responsibility to anything, somehow turning it around and being mad at her for calling him out on things. I know part of my anxiety over this is left over from baggage I still carry from my past, so I thought I put it out there to get a couple second opinions on it.

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Old Feb 10, 2011, 06:51 PM
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Leed Leed is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 6,543
I think your boyfriend is different from your stepdad in that he genuinely WANTS to save money -- he just cannot trust himself so he gives it to you. I think he wants to change, but something like that is really hard to change without therapy. You might suggest he get therapy if he can afford it. Make sure you let him know that it's because you CARE for him that you're suggesting it and NOT because you think he's nuts. LOL Perhaps you both could go to couples therapy. It sounds like you could use it. You have issues about him --- and he may have issues about you. So why not both of you go??? i think it's a pretty good idea if your relationship is going to last. I sure wish my first husband and I had gone -- we went to therapy after 7 years of marriage, and the therapist said something he didn't like and he got up and left -- never went back. The marriage didn't last either. He was a jerk.

So it's best to find out now if this relationship is worth saving or not. Make a call to a good therapist and see what happens. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Thanks for this!
DespondentDaisy
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