Mom issues

As a young child, I always thought my mom was great. She was a stay at home mother and did everything she could for us. When I was 15, the cat was let out of the bag that she was an alcoholic--she would get drunk while my sisters and I were at school and be passed out on the couch when we got home. Eventually this lead to her be unfaithful to my dad and their divorce.

After my parents were separated, my mother started dating a man she had met in rehab. (They were "meant for each other" because they were admitted on the same day.) I knew from the beginning that this was a bad idea, and I was only a teenager. During the beginning of their relationship, it was obvious who her priority was--him. She did everything she could to have keep my sisters and I away from our father, but when then she would be gone all evening with her boyfriend. Leaving me to cook the meals for my sisters. In the mean time, my father finally gave up trying to spend extra time with us because it was a hopeless battle...my mother used us to hurt our father. My mother and her boyfriend stayed sober for 3 years, then when my older sister went to the army, they began to drink and beat each other. They were both arrested several times. She would leave him, move to her mothers house 4 hours away, then come back to him. She did this several times, each tme I helped her, because by then I was in college. The last time she left him, he died of an overdose. She was devastated---blamed herself.

She eventually moved in with her mother and met another man (within 3 months). She married him after being together only 5 months. They both drink and beat each other, just like the first one. This past summer, my family and I went for a visit, and she had put him in jail because he was hitting her and threatened her life. I helped her pick up the pieces, paid some of her bills, got her a cell phone and called off work to help her move. By november, my step father was out of jail and they were back together. I am still paying her phone bill and a storage fee for the things from her first boyfriend after he passed away.

I feel like I have been taking care of my mother for my entire adult life, helping her pick up the pieces after a relationship has went sour only to have her go back to the man she was with. I know that it is her life, but what should I do...I feel like she has done nothing but use me since I was a teenager (first to hurt my father, then so that I could take care of her).

Theres other things that she has done, even when I was a young child that I only recently figured out. For example, I had acne as a young child and she took me to the doctor and had them prescribe medications over and over. I felt like there was something wrong with the way I looked. I have never thought I was pretty and now I know why...because she did this. She made me feel this way.

I am sure there are other things that have happened but I just cant remember.

Should I feel bad for not wanting to help her anymore? I feel like enough is enough, I have my own family to worry about.

She is an adult with a drinking problem, in my head she wont face up to her problems and deal with them while you are bailing her out, you are actually doing her no favours by 'helping' her...

I feel it would be good for both of you for you to allow her to work things out herself.

Hi ~ Actually you're enabling her. You're keeping her from taking responsibility for her own actions. If you would go to Al-Anon, you would find out how to STOP from doing these things, and they will help you to stop. They can show you how to live with an alcoholic relative - how to stop enabling them and to live your own life without falling victim to their disease.

You don't "owe" her anything. She HAS used you - and if you stopped doing ALL these things today, you shouldn't feel guilty about it!!! She is all grown up now and wears big girl pants ~ it's time she started ACTING like it. She may struggle for awhile, but it won't take long before she figures out that she's got to start acting like an adult!!

Live your own life sweetie. You've got it coming. Be happy - and don't feel guilty. God bless. Hugs, Lee

You do not have to feel bad at all!!!!! I JUST realized this with my father. He is an alcoholic, on his third marriage (of which they both got into cheating on their significant others). He has basically abandoned all of us for her.

I have always let him claim me on taxes even though I moved out before I graduated high school. Finally I said "no!" "I'm the one paying the taxes and I'm the one getting MY money back!". It took several years though because I felt bad for their financial situation. But, I had to remind myself that he put himself there. He is the one that buys at least a 12 pack or a case a day. He's the one that cheated on my step-mom and ended up in jail for trying to strangle her. He is the one that put himself in this situation.

So even though it hurts so bad to watch your mother do this to herself, that's exactly what's happening - she's doing it to herself. What you are doing is enabling. One more person to do something that (to her) is justified simply because she gave birth to you. You do not owe her anything if she can't help herself. I hate to sound so harsh but save yourself. This is a cycle that will only hurt you if you stay involved in it.

So, my mother calls me a couple of hours ago crying...my stepfather had beat her and done other horrible things to her. She is four hours away and wants somewherre to stay. I told her I would have to talk to my husband...my husband said he would support me in my decision. He said that if I was not ready to say no, don't say no. I know that I should have said no, I really do. I realize I am enabling her, but in the back of my mind there has always been this little glimmer of hope-that she would wake up and realize what she is doing. Anyway, I told her she could come up and stay. I told her that this would be the last time, I cant do this again. I told her that she cant have my stepfather her ever again, or they will both be kicked to the curb. In the meantime, I know that my husband said he would support my decision, but I am worried that it will cause problems between us. We were already having problems before that we are working through and now this. I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do.

Hi confusedand hurt

You laid it on the line, and you are BOTH adults now. We all make our own mistakes in life, but you deserve at least a shot at living your own life and making your own mistakes. If her staying with you causes a significant strain on your marriage and family life, she's going to have to go find another place to stay.

I'm sorry your mother has had such bad luck with relationships - but it's not your fault, and it's not your responsibility. Your chances of mending and healing the relationship you have with her will be much better if you're not living under the same roof - or having to carry each other's burden.