[SakuraLi]

Ok so I`ve been wondering about this for quite some time. My best friend`s mother has been a self neglecter since my friend can remember. Her mother is basically a nice person but she is extreme in self-neglect but yet she dressed her children perfectly and neatly with brand new, clean, ironed clothes growing up! My friend had told me stories of being so embarassed of her mom and my heart goes out to both of them. As an adult my friend has told me about her repeated attempts to get her mom to dress nice and fix herself up. But to no avail, I guess my friend looks to me for support and advice but I have now clue what to tell her. She says her mom is very reclusive too: wears old, dirty clothes, often stinks, has rotting teeth, matted hair, gets irratated when my friend offers to buy her new clothes and fix her hair. Most shockingly of all my friend says her mom carries herself like the queen of England with authority and confidence! She has never seen her mom feel sorry for herself and the way she looks, how can this be? As an adult my friend has come to realize that her mom is most likely mentally ill some how and she goes over stuff with me daily to find a solution and most of the time I`m speechless. Besides the self neglect her mom is a hoarder, is jealous when she goes somewhere with her friends, gave her months of sh** and guilt trips galor when she decided to go to college onn the east coast and needed money to go. and insists that looking pretty isnt all there is or important in life is her mom likely unwell? what do you guys think?

[Elana05]

Hi Sakura-Li,

What a difficult thing to grow up with. My heart goes out to your friend. Yes, this sounds like an illness. It sounds like her mother was there in some ways, but not be there in other major ways. It is impossible to change another person. If her mom doesn't want help, there is little that can be done. (Unless the situation is so dire that she mentions clear direct harm to herself or others). There is the notion of "detaching with love," that comes from the 12-step program ACoA - Adult Children of Alcoholics. (It's not that I'm jumping to any conclusions about her mom as a substance abuser, but rather that many ideas in this group also apply when children grow up with a parent who suffers from mental illness). I mention it because what this type of program might offer (to your friend) is the notion that although her mom continues to suffer, she can instead work on healing from the pain, sadness and shame of the past as well as constant worry about her mom today. Seeking help from a therapist can help in this way too.

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