TRIGGER warning/Wolf

Thank you both.I want to say more.I am just still upset.I re read my post and the part about Russell has me all crying like a baby again.I am just not in a good place in my head atm.I cannot believe this poor boy is is the psychiatric unit of a prison and won't take visits or calls from me and wont allow the p-docs there to say anything to me.So I am crying out to God asking him...Why he allowed me to love this darling soul just to forfeit him from his mommys life.I want to make him tiny and carry him in my pocket and protect him from the world and protect the world from him.He is so dangerous and so vulnerable.Sorry,just ranting.Another day to breathe,ugh...in 5 minutes I will be smiling,acting silly,helping people as if everything is perfect,laughing at jokes,being silly,writing.....I have no ability to have just one mood facet.One second mad,then ecstatic,then crushed,then flirty,then withdrawn,then intense,then political,then controversial,then a mum who is telling someone some perspective on their situation,then the bottom is falling out,then the world is lovely...everyone is perfect...the planet is sooo beautiful.....every tiny facet of life is magical...,then I am afraid...hiding from anything outside my home....everyone has the potential to hurt me and probably will...all plotting against me.....things look so dark...I am nuts.I know I will be silly...giggly...advising...philosophical...I am so fragmented...so shattered.So changing ,in constant motion within.Sorry I am writing so much.I am spiraling down...spiraling up....wading deep water....standing in the shallows....in constant motion...stagnant...if I thought it wouldn't impact anyone else...I'd end it.But it will...it'd set an example for my babies...my grown men/beautiful sons.....and everyone who ever knew me.So I am here...inconstant....flickering shadows on the wall...just a shadow flickering candlelight on the wall....intangible....elusive even to me.For I cannot count on myself to be anyone thing at any one moment...except intense...deep...deep enough to drown in myself.Confusing anyone or anything around me.How can anyone take me serious if I possess no constance?One second I am crying...the next silly,the next serious.I can't wait to die.It is the only thing that hasn't changed in decades.Even with that...I know my soul will be flitting about wishing to caress the faces of my sons...offer a hug...unable.God please make my head shut up.Someone shake me and yell just stop it Traice...be quiet...don't think...don't cry...don't feel...bearhug me and lay me down...just hold me and make me quiet.Ok...the only way I will stop this is to go wash my face and smoke a cigarette and get a coffee and pace....till it is spent.I'll be ok again.God I hope I have cancer.Ughhhh ughhh....I will be fine...I will be fine in a minute just a minute and I will be perfect.I will.Nothing will permeate my heart.I will BE FINE.

Geez I sound crazy here. >.<