[chigirl8]

They have been separated for nearly a year now. And I have had the priveledge of hearing all the details of how terrible their relationship was. Him and I have been seeing each other for about 9 months. We both have said that we should only have remained friends, and for a time we were. During that time was when I was enlightened on how poorly they treated each other. The most difficult part for me though, and yes I asked.......is hearing how he loved her, and she was special to him. Why have I tortured myself wanting to know? Because I feel that I'm a way better catch than his wife, but he can only see through the eyes of a man who has many regrets and was betrayed, and does not trust women. To give you an idea of their relationship. He verbally and physically abused her. She also emotionally and physically harmed him (head butted, slapped, spit in his face) I'm not defending him by making her look bad. I've actually felt I had to be the one to give him a harsh dose of truth. That only a coward hits a woman, no matter what she has done to him. You leave the situation if you feel you are losing control. And yes, he has admitted his shame and regret over that. On the other hand, the way she has damaged him is still very bad. She cheated, and became pregnant, and he suspected that the kid wasn't his when she was born, but the wife finally admitted it when the child was a year old........he had already fallen in love with the baby. And yet they still remained husband and wife. I can't understand this.........Anyway, over the past 9 months, I've heard it all. But the part that hurts me the most is hearing that he loved her, and she was special. Doesn't sound like it from what I explain, but he says they had good times.........ouch, that hurts me too. Even while we were dating, he would still be punching the walls of his apt. (I wasn't there...he only told me) thinking and obsessing over the betrayals. He always says she gets away with everything. From what I hear, she does seem pretty crafty. But, he says the anger comes from feeling like he had been taken for a fool. Yet, he contradicts himself, by revealing that yes he did love her. I always had the belief, if there was a true and real love between two people, you just couldn't hurt them in these ways. Anyway, now that he seems to be much better, and has nearly healed from his pain, I am suffering because he still has not fallen in love with me. I did tell him many months ago that I loved him, but at that time, he said his heart could not feel the same about me. So, I left it alone, and decided to do he best I could and be patient. Yet, he still does not feel love for me. He says he cares about me, and feels very strongly about me, but it is not love. I've asked him if he even knows what love is? But clearly, he believes he does, if he's sure he felt love for her. This hurts me so much, and I've cried many many times over this. I feel inferior to her, btw, she is beautiful too. I'm also afraid of meeting his kids. He has two older kids from a previous relationship which the wife took care of as babies.....she took over the mother role right away (his words) I'm also very insecure about that. I particularly don't enjoy children, I'm more of an animal lover, but am willing to make an exception for him.....he knows this.
Him and I get along very well, but lately I'm starting to feel like I will never receive the love I'm seeking from this relationship. I also feel that he doesn't appreciate me for the unique woman I am. Hope that doesn't sound conceited, but other people have told me I'm one of a kind, and I know that I'm different, and have even been called weird and TOO good. I don't think he really likes that about me, and I so desparately not only want to be accepted for that, but admired for it. I just don't feel special to him, and he is so special to me. He brought me out of a deep depression which I fell into over feeling so very lonely and bored of life.....I don't have friends that I actually hang out with, and barely have a family. I often think I should leave him even though it would be so difficult, so that I could find a real loving relationship, but am afraid of the loneliness that would follow seeing that I barely have any support system. I just don't want to go back to that dark place. I also am afraid that I would not find another man that I am so comfortable with, besides the jealousy over the beautiful wife. We have a lot of fun together, but then I start obsessing over her, and he gets mad and I get sad. I feel stuck.

[salukigirl]

It sounds like you're not ready to be with him or vise versa. Of course he loved her! They were married! I would be a fool to say I don't care about my exes or used to love them. Obviously I did if I stayed with them and remained in a relationship. Just like I would never expect my bf to say he never loved his exes.

You saying you're not appreciated does NOT sound conceited. We are all unique. And you should feel appreciated for who you are. If you do not feel that way, that's a red flag.

The fact that he holds on to so much anger is what scares me. While it sounds like he wouldn't ever go back to her, anger is still caring in its own way. I understand how you feel bc I used to get jealous whenever my bf would get angry talking about an ex. She cheated on him, left him for that same guy and married the guy within 3 months of leaving my current bf. I understand how hard that would be to get over, but it does still hurt just to hear her name or any mention of her (typically by one ***** "friend" of his who does it just to piss me off)

Personally, I would distance myself. Sounds like you both have some work to do on yourselves. He needs to deal with the feelings he is having and, its not fair to you to continue in a relationship he can't give 100% of himself to. On your end, it is a whole different playing field being in a relationship with someone who has been divorced. It's not just an ex that you can say "see ya" and it's done. There are many more things that complicate matters. Even to just give each of you a new perspective on the relationship I would give myself some space.

I would try and talk with him about you two maybe taking a step back. You have already mentioned that you have thought about leaving. So maybe this is good "test" for you? Take a step back. Give yourself (and him) some time to clear your heads. It's so hard to get a clear perspective on something when you're involved in it 24/7. I hope you two can have an open conversation about what he needs to do to get over this marriage and what you need to do to be okay with the fact that he has an ex-wife.