I just need to tell someone this.I just mentioned to husband that he never waited for my stitches to heal after giving birth to his sons,and that I am damaged for life because of it.I didn't say it mean,just as a matter of fact.Because it tore the episiotomy stitches,since he wouldn't wait even 3 days.This followed some sort of discussion....idk what.I dont know how the conversation arose.His reply:.......Oops.,then back to what he was doing.Did I reply?Yes.But I replied in a ***** way.I said, "ouch"...and proceeded to type this.Calmly.Not a dirty look ....nothing.Just looked down and began typing.Want a peek in the window of my life?...There you have it.He didn't refuse to wait for the stitches to heal after just ONE child...but TWO.What the **** am I doing? Why am I here?Am I going to spend the rest of my life with this sort of soul?Whaaaaaatttttt am I doing???????????????????????????????Someone put me out of consciousness.Lord...I need to get out of here.He says I can't make it on my own.I don't know what to do.He has the camper off my truck.I need to get him to put it on.P.S....It's been snowing here.There's no heat in the camper.I told him I want to sleep in the house w/o being ....you know...His reply.....I will wait till you're sleeping.WTF?????????????What on earth...I need out.I'm going to get my son to make him put the camper back on the truck and go.But I need an atm card somehow.I mean I need to be able to get money out.I wouldn't have replied about a dog like that.****!!!!(Still looking calm...I am an idiot.)

Plus I was advised that if I leave...it'll forfeit some of my legal rights in a divorce?So I need an attorney to file papers first?I have been afraid to take this step because my son (youngest) is attending college and I don't want to disrupt this portion of his life.I need him to focus.Fk......It really hurts his heart to see any of the emotional fallout on this....I try not to discuss it ...but,it'd be pretty plain to him.Idk the divorce process.I hate to need a divorce "settlement".I hate when women leave husbands and the husband is having to pay out monies.Don't ask why I feel this way.I have seen men be abused in a million ways.I don't like to make waves...I dont want to have a lawyer ask for things...I'd feel like a bully?IDK.I can't spend the balance of my life miserable...in a loveless marriage.He says he loves me...but,actions speak louder than words right?Do you know how many years I have endured **** without a voice?What has gone on here?I have no expression on my face atm I just noticed.I have had to hide behind no expression for sooooooooo long.Always afraid that a voice would backlash to the kids...cause it always has.....Now I have to wonder what'd happen to Ryan if I weren't here.

[Nola22]

wolfsong, this sounds horrifying--I am so sorry for what you have endured and still are! I wish I could offer you more than love, friendship, and support via the Internet. I'm not sure I read your post correctly, but is your husband threatening to rape you in your sleep?!? Please, if you can get the hell out of the house, even for a night or two to a friend's house or nearby hotel--DO IT!! I can't imagine living with the specter of violence while one is asleep! You have the right to live in a peaceful, harmonious environment where you are respected and loved.

I wish I could help you assemble that camper right now. Even being out on the open road for a day would be better than what you've described. Please get somewhere safe(r) if you are able. And please keep us posted so we know you're alright. Of course, call the police if it comes to that--don't let anyone push you around or far, far worse.



Intensely worried about you, ((((((((wolfsong))))))))).

[Nola22]

I wrote my post as you were posting again, wolfsong...is one of your children home with you?

Also, the little I know about California divorce law is you get half, no matter if you leave or not. You can walk and you are still entitled to half the marital assets. You also can decline alimony, or come to a settlement that does not include that provision. Retaining counsel is your right--it does not make you a bully.

If anyone has more knowledge on the subject of California divorce law, please excuse any mistakes I've made and offer wolfsong the correct info.

You must think of what's best for you as a person in the long run, (((((wolfsong))))). Your son will adapt and learn from your strength if you decide to go. Please, take care of yourself and be safe.

I can't call the police.That would wreck my son.He needs to focus on college.He is taking very very very difficult classes.Plus husband would be arrested....or who even knows what....then the house may go under....further robbing son....it'd all hurt my son.I have a son as well age 21...with schizophrenia.What if he gets out of prison and needs help.In this scenario how would I help him?......Geeeezzz......I'm going to have to just ...idk what.I can't call my mum...shes gone.Fk...I need to think.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Wolfsong - I am so sorry if my recent post about marital rape triggered all this in you. I want to help you, what can I do?

[Dark_Dreams]

Wolfie, I am so sorry for all of this going on. If I could take the pain away I would.

[Sunna]

(((wolfsong)))

This sounds just horrible, Wolfie.

Not merely loveless, but controlling and outright abusive relationship. The "you can't make it on your own" is one of the weapons used by abusive partner to keep the other one powerless and afraid to leave. It is not TRUE. And he told you an outright LIE about forfeiting your legal rights in a divorce. Another tool for keeping you powerless.

From what you said a women's shelter may welcome you. Broken bones and bruises are not prerequisite to ask for shelter. If you don't dare to give him a "look", or make a dissatisfied expression what are you defending yourself against?

And once you are out of his sphere of control why do you think you won't be able to provide supportive warm environment for your son when he needs it? I'd say probably better than with husband around.

And the son in college... yes it may distract him, but do you honestly think he does not know that mom is not treated right? Do you think he will be upset at you: "You were ok with this for years, why couldn't you just put up with it for a few more. Why do you have to spoil everything now?" Really? Is it possible that your husband somehow got you to believe in your guilt should any disruption happen?

My thoughts go to you... I hope you make it ok through the night, and I hope you will at least investigate various free services available to women in abusive relationships. I believe you are in one.

No CSC....my husband doing things triggered this.This is because of how he is.For instance ,it is 2:15 am.I am awake because of him doing what he wants.When he was done...I said ...albeit quietly...don't you know when someone says no you are supposed to stop?Know what he said?You only said no til your pants were off.Didn't you get off?This is what it's like.I don't mean to be frank....that's more than I should have written.But it's a glimpse into his head.~W~

Thank you Dark,I really believe you would.Thank you.

Sunna,
He doesn't hit me.There's no need.Such subtle things move me.It's not even necessary.He says that cause I am not whole.Unstable.I had left before and came back for appointments and belongings.I found a situation going on here.I stayed for appointments.Usually I sleep in my camper.I slept on the couch.When I got back,this last time, he took the camper off the truck.So it's in the boatyard.I'm going to ask to have son have him put it on.Maybe if I did more than wriggle away or quietly tell him no,let me sleep,I don't want to...he'd listen.But I freeze.I sleep in my clothes.The whole time I am pulling my pants up while he is pulling them down...idk.I feel it's partly my responsibility to be clearer...to say it louder or something.What ever.I'll figure it out.I will.

[Juliaspavlov]

No you've said it properly
he feels entitled for some reason.
But no one is entitled to make you scared.
Ive gone back to my husband because of my sons
one with schizophrenia and one who has died since.
its hard to communicate how stuck we can feel.
Love and hugs to you.
You needsomeone there to help you get thru.
...jjulia

[mgran]

Oh Wolf, I'm so sorry. My first husband did the same to me after my son was born, it was just awful. I hated sex with him after that, even though he didn't rape me again. There's nothing I can do to help you, I'm so sorry about that, but I am praying for you to get somewhere safe. If your husband doesn't know what rape is then I don't see how things are going to get better. At some point I do think you're going to have to involve the police.

[hippiebea]

ahhh wolfie first of all let me say how much i miss you. havent seen you in awhile.
so sorry to hear of your difficulties. if your bank account is joint just go to the bank and get an atm card of your own. and even if it may present difficult challenges you CAN make it on your own. i have done it for many years living on my piddly SSD check.if you can get the camper on your truck pile up the blankets and wear thermals you can stay warm & spring is right around the corner. it sounds like you need to get away at all costs. you do NOT need nor do you deserve to be treated in this manner. i am available at almost all times if i can help in any possible way...even if its just a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen ( i will pm you how to get a hold of me). once you are out on your own there are many programs to help you. hopefully you have money of your own (social security disability??) as you can change where and how you get it so he cant.
as far as telling you he will get to you when you're asleep...that is very disrespectful and abusive. for your safety(both physically and mentally) it sounds like you must get away as quickly as possible!!! you need a safe place to sleep.
it sounds like your husband does not have a care for your well being and it is time to GET AWAY. dont buy into the message that you cant make it on your own because im here to tell you you CAN!!! it will be hard at first but i know you have the strength and determination to persevere. call your T if you have one and remember we are all here for you!!!
much love and hugs

[Scarred Poet]

Aw **** Wolf!!
This is the party in Las Vegas while you had family trauma, guy..yeah?
I refer you to a post about " writing our kids stories?" You remember?
They will write their own subjectively. This is where you write your own personally true story and your loved ones will interpret theirs from your courage.

I had the misfortune to know such a one as the Las Vegas Party Guy. His mistake was that I had come to know the various women in his life and held them in high esteem; sadness for their willingness to accept his bad treatment of them as just a flip out or "bad side", but esteem for them as people with a loyalty unexplainable.
His mistake was also that I had never been exposed to what he really thought about "the fat, hairy, ****s...only fit for ****ing and sending home...until I call them again... they stand up until they see the **** and then they beg"... One loose moment and I saw the Devil.
WTF?
Friendship stone cold dead.. How can anyone think and behave this way? How could anyone ever be safe here?
No-one human can feel this way, no-one human can ever be safe here.

Please, please Wolfie, don't worry about others consequences. You are the one under attack, and a sneaking, bullying, cowardly attack it is. It is the one that couldn't make it on it's own..
We have talked just enough for me to get just a glimpse of your massive potential. I don't know how to help, but you have to get out from under this blackness.
Send me a picture of the fastenings for the camper and I will talk you through the fitment. Meanwhile get a lawyer and talk to your kids.

I have to think.I just have to think and make some calls.Thank you so very much...I mean it.Thank you Scarred Poet and Hippie bea.~W~

All I keep thinking when I read this Wolfsong, is how can you help your kids if you can't help yourself?


Maybe if I did more than wriggle away or quietly tell him no,let me sleep,I don't want to...he'd listen.But I freeze.I sleep in my clothes.The whole time I am pulling my pants up while he is pulling them down...idk.I feel it's partly my responsibility to be clearer...to say it louder or something.What ever.I'll figure it out.I will.

If you say No, let me sleep & i don't want to, and are trying to get away and pull up your pants, then you are not giving consent and he is raping you.

Even rape victims give in at a certain point in order to survive - that doesn't make it enjoyable, it's a survival technique.

He actually deserves to be arrested and punished for what he is doing to you.

You do not deserve to be treated this way, but he tells you that you do and you are believing it.

you deserve to feel safe in your home and in your bed.

I think that if I contact the lawyer before I actually leave it'd protect my rights to support from him.I don't want much.Just enough to get by.I know I didn't earn that money.He makes alot.It'd not be horrid to ask for enough to maintain the vehicle properly,food,gas,and necessities.I don't intend to encumber him.I just have to survive.~W~

*Jadedmoonbeam I just read what you wrote....Ty so much for taking the time ,I appreciate that.I can't call the police.I think this is my fault because I'm not clear.But that aside....the less ugly any of this looks...the more I can protect my sons Psyche.It is fundamental that his college not be impeded upon.Of three sons...he is the youngest.The only one to do so well.I have to know that how I handle this will impact his future relationships,school,thoughts of hisself,and who his parents are and therefore...who he his.He is of utmost concern to me.If you met him and knew him you would agree.He is the best.I will make calls today.I'll figure it all out.Thank you very much.~W~

[lynn P.]

(((Wolfsong))) - I'm sorry this is happening. Do you have any extended family you could stay with, until you can find a place of your own? I doubt your husband would leave, since he seems the stubborn type. You could also go to a womans shelter and they would put you in contact with legal aid and housing.

Since your sons are adults and they'll be fine if you / your husband get a divorce. If you don't want to leave, you can sleep in a different room(lock on the door) and clearly state you don't want physical contact. If he respected you, would you want to be with him and stay - wondering if counseling for him would be an option? I hope you can find a resolution.

[vertebrae]

Hey there wolfsong ...

Just read your posts here on this thread you began. Terribly sorry that you have to endure this from your husband. Truly sorry.

Nix the idea of taking your life. Won't solve anything. Will leave turmoil in its wake for your sons. Best option, in my opinion, would be to leave the living situation you are presently in and get some distance between you and your husband.

I'm not really familiar with the different options available to women who choose to leave a manipulative relationship / marriage, but there has to be some options / organizations / legal asssitance out there.

I would use the power of the Internet to track down these potential leads in this area if I were in your position. There must be some type of social services / social outreach program where you reside which serves to act as a safety net for others like yourself.

Hang in there. Don't give up. Stay as strong as possible with what you have within yourself.

Peace,

vertebrae

[KathyM]

What the heck is wrong with these silly men? When they look at their women, all they can see is a vagina?? Ya know there's a REAL good reason why women are supposed to WAIT a while after having a baby - medically (can become pregnant again), and emotionally (pain/trust issues - unless BOTH are way too eager).

If my husband ever said anything like that I would be FURIOUS(ly hurt). It's about TRUST, fool. When I say NO, you LISTEN - when YOU say NO, I LISTEN. It drastically cuts down on unnecessary irritation and confrontation. Sometimes he changes his mind, sometimes I change my mind....and I'm NOT talking just about sex.

Also, I love my husband from head to toe, inside and out. When I look at my husband, I care just as much about his heart and mind (and everything inbetween) as I do about his penis.

So if he wants to spend the rest of his life touting the awesome abilities of his....rooster - he should go brag somewhere else. I'm sure the local prison would LOVE to get an "oops" on your "big bad man."

What....you haven't sacrificed enough? Geesh - sorry Wolf (you too Cant'stopCrying)

I'm sorry Wolf - I couldn't get past the first page. You know we're all rooting for you, your safety, and your peace of mind.

((((((((((((((Kathy))))))))))) I've still been thinking and making calls.I wish my mum was still here.Gahhh up since 2a.I better go sleep whilst he is at work.Then I can be up tonight.I will check in later.Thank yall so very much.

[bebop]

hon let me tell you this. you deserve everything you can get out of him! you worked hard throughout your married life with him! you need to get out of there and get that alimony from him! you do deserve it! don't let him take over you. you deserve so much better.

[Leed]

It is time to start thinking about YOU and not everyone ELSE!!! Your SON can take care of HIMSELF. What about YOU??? Who is going to take care of YOU?? No one unless you do!!!

You have GOT to put a STOP to this ABUSE!!! This "man" that you're living with is ABUSING YOU. You cannot keep living like this. It's not going to stop unless you do something about it. You ARE strong. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK.

This so-called "man" is an animal. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. I'm sure HE won't get out, so YOU have to -- tell the police what he's been doing to you. This is criminal!! He belongs in jail.

I'm behind you 100% --- men like him don't deserve to be free. Hugs,, Lee

[mgran]

How are you Wolfsong? I've been thinking of you... are you staying safe?